A week without a Newfie Joke Thread ???

[walking buffalo]

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack , being a Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.

But, all of Jack's neighbours were Catholic. And since it was Lent,
they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing
such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked
to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that
he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass,
and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said:
"You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant,
but now you are a Catholic."

Jack's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighbourhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed
into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,
he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water
which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Codfish.

[The Fisherman Guy]

I'll have some Catholic Moose please!

[Redfrog]

Da Newf was away in the bush on a rig when his wife gave birth to twins. A boy and a girl> His brother was all excited and asked his SIL if he could name the twins since his brother was away. she said shore!!

He named the little girl Denise and the little boy.................Da nephew.:sHa_shakeshout:

[airbornedeerhunter]

Two Edmonton born brothers had just bought an empty building downtown and planned to renovate it into a nice restaurant. They were sitting in two chairs just inside the doors discussing their plans when they looked up and saw a man wearing a "Newfoundland" T-shirt peering in through the window at them. They laughed to themselves and commented how it must be his first time away from home. The Newfoundlander opened the door and asked "what are you fellas sellin here'? The brother chuckled and one of them said "arseholes"? The Newfoundlander smiled and replied " well, it looks like you're doin pretty good, theres only two of ya left"!

[airbornedeerhunter]

A fish and wildlife officer from Alberta had requested to be posted to Newfoundland so he could see the east coast but more importantly because he thought he could outsmart Newfoundland poachers. One morning he was patrolling near the wharf in the local community and noticed a local fisherman with two live lobsters in a fishtub sitting on the quay. The season being long over he decided to investigate. He confronted the man and accused him of poaching. The man, whose name was Jimmy replied " I'm not a poacher, these are my pet lobsters" The Alberta fishcop was puzzled and asked Jimmy to explain. " I got these two when they were just babies, they live in a giant aquarium in my shed, every day I bring them down here and drop them into the water so they can go do their thing on the bottom, after about twenty minutes I whistle and they come back up on the landwash and we go home" The Alberta fishcop was skeptical so Jimmy offered to prove his story, he dropped them off the wharf and sat down, after about ten minutes the fishcop spoke up and said " well, are you gonna whistle or what" Jimmy replied" why?" The fishcop said " so those lobsters will come back" Jimmy smiled and responded -----" What Lobsters'?

:sHa_sarcasticlol:

[airbornedeerhunter]

A Newfoundlander and an Albertan are sitting at bar in down town Edmonton drinking a few pitchers of beer. The Albertan had just returned from Asia where he was on business. The Albertan gets up to go to the washroom and whack, he hits the man and says: "That's a Karate chop, from China". They have a few more pitchers and again the Albertan goes to the washroom. Wham he hits the Newfoundlander and says: "That's a Judo Chop, from Japan". ticked off, our friend from Newfoundland keeps drinking with the Albertan. When it's time for him to go to the washroom he clubs the Albertan and tells the bar tender: "When he wakes up tell him that was a tire iron, from Canadian tire!"

:fighting0030:

[Running Bear]

Did you hear about the newfie coyote?

He chewed three legs off and was still caught in the trap

[lineman4 life]

Poor fellas. Can't even count past 2 cuz ders a tree in the way

[airbornedeerhunter]

On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to
count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But
Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.
At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's
because you are from Alberta, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite
the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but
Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only
the letter "m".
That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained
to him, "That's because you are from Alberta, son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he
seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked
his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times
bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alberta?"
"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
:sHa_shakeshout:

[dragon]

Why's there no CSI in newfoundland???


Cause it's all the same DNA

[dragon]

4 guys in a car driving across canada. 1 is from BC, 1 from alberta, 1 from PEI, and 1 from newfound land.... All of a sudden the guy from BC rolls down his window and starts throwing perfectly good BC apples out the window!
The other guys say "HEY HEY HEY! what the hell are you doing? those are perfectly good apples!"
He replies "Guys... Where i come from we have so many of these apples I can't stand to lay my eyes on another!"
The 3 other guys look at each other and shrug in agreeance and they keep going.
A while later the PEI fellow rolls down his window and starts tossing out PEI potatoes.
The other guys once again pipe up "HEY HEY HEY! What the hell are you doing? those are perfectly good potatoes!"
To which he replies "Guys... Back home in PEI where I come from, we have so many of these potatoes I can't stand to lay my eyes on another!"
The other guys once again mutually agree and keep driving.

A few minutes later the albertan opens the newfies door and tosses him out!

[skain11]

An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:
"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Newfoundlander replies:
"Lord tunderin' Jaysus, ya must be stunned as me arse. If dey fell forwards, dey'd still be in da f*&^%n boat!"

[Roughneck12]

4 guys in a car driving across canada. 1 is from BC, 1 from alberta, 1 from PEI, and 1 from newfound land.... All of a sudden the guy from BC rolls down his window and starts throwing perfectly good BC apples out the window!
The other guys say "HEY HEY HEY! what the hell are you doing? those are perfectly good apples!"
He replies "Guys... Where i come from we have so many of these apples I can't stand to lay my eyes on another!"
The 3 other guys look at each other and shrug in agreeance and they keep going.
A while later the PEI fellow rolls down his window and starts tossing out PEI potatoes.
The other guys once again pipe up "HEY HEY HEY! What the hell are you doing? those are perfectly good potatoes!"
To which he replies "Guys... Back home in PEI where I come from, we have so many of these potatoes I can't stand to lay my eyes on another!"
The other guys once again mutually agree and keep driving.

A few minutes later the albertan opens the newfies door and tosses him out!

hahahaha. Thats a good one.:bad_boys_20:

[airbornedeerhunter]

Two Newfoundlanders and an Albertan are running from the cops. They run into an alley and see a pile of sacks, which they decide to hide in. The cops follow them into the alley and kick the bag with the first Newfoundlander in it The first Newfoundlander goes “meow!” and the cops go “Ah, it’s just a bag full of cats.” They kick the bag with the second Newfoundlander in it, and he goes “woof!” and they’re like, “OK, dog in a bag, whatever.” Then they kick the bag with the Albertan in it, and he goes “potato!”
:sHa_shakeshout:

[tbone616]

A Newfoundlander loads up his car, straps his boat to the roof and is on his way across Canada to Alberta to work in the oilsands. By the time he gets to Saskatchewan he really starts missing the ocean. He pulls over to the side of the road to stop for lunch and looks out across the praire. He thinks to himself that that blowing wheat looks alot like the ocean and this gives him an idea. With a quick check around to make sure no ones watching he throws his boat out in the field and starts rowing. Awww this is great it almost feels like home he thinks to himself as he sits enjoying the sun on his face. A few minutes pass when another newfoundlander is driving by and sees this. Well he slams on his brakes, jumps out of his car and yells to the newfoundlander out in the boat "Oi, it's byes like you that give us Newfoundlanders a bad name and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ***!"

[airbornedeerhunter]

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfoundlander. He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to help me? "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is add 1/3 to the mass of your brain, and you'll be a Newfoundlander .The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon made a mistake and instead of adding 1/3 to the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as he recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the surgeon said to him - "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of adding 1/3 to your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain, I'm sad to say that you are now an Albertan!

:mad0030: :sHa_sarcasticlol:

[airbornedeerhunter]

How do you know when your staying in a Alberta hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."

How can you tell if an Alberta redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Alberta to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alberta?
A documentary.

How many rednecks does it take to eat a deer?
Two. One to eat and one to watch for traffic.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Alberta. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

An Alberta RCMP pulled over a pickup truck on Highway 2. He asked the driver "Got any ID?"
The driver says "Bout what?"

Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Alberta?
Nearly everyone has the same DNA.

Did you hear that the Premier's house in Edmonton burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

Two Albertans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a bag. When they meet, one says "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guess how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmmmmm . . . five?"

What do a divorce in Edmonton, a tornado in Calgary and a flood in Fort McMurray have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer

An Albertan came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here! My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks?"

Why do folks in Alberta go to the movies theater in groups of 18 or more?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted

:mad0030: :sHa_sarcasticlol:

[whitetail Junkie]

Where all the Tree's in Newfoundland??????



^^^^ Between the Two's and the Four's

:lol:

[airbornedeerhunter]

Two Albertans are driving through Newfoundland when they get pulled over by the Royal Newfoundland Constabulary. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.The driver says, "what the hell was that for?" The cop says, "You're in Newfoundland my son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the
guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the cop smacks
him up side the head with the nightstick too. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The Passenger says, "huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that arsehole would've tried that crap with me!"
:fighting0030:

[mackdenny]

Two Newfies are moose hunting in the bush. After a little while they stumble across something strange. It looks like a body of a person all covered in leaves. They brush away the leaves and sure enough, it is a body of a man but the head is chopped off. They decide to high tail it back to the hiway. Soon, they discover the head sitting next to a tree. They sit and stair at it for a little while. Finally, one gets the nerve to go up to it, grab the head by the hair and lift it high up to get a good look.
"Lord tunderin', looks like Seamus dont't it?"
The other replied, "Nah, Seamus ain't dat tall!"

[airbornedeerhunter]

I can`t believe noone took the bait! I posted numerous jokes on here, all aimed at Albertans with the Newfoundlander always coming out on top and was expecting a full out assault! Hmmmm, maybe everyone else saw the humour in it all and just left it at that. Well done AO members, see, we all CAN get along as long as we can all laugh at one another in a good natured manner. My faith is restored!!!

P.S. Still hate the word Newfie, I never used it once in any of my posts! Some don`t mind it, I hate it. But that just me. My 2 cents. All the best to all!!
:love0025:

[Redfrog]

I can`t believe noone took the bait! I posted numerous jokes on here, all aimed at Albertans with the Newfoundlander always coming out on top and was expecting a full out assault! Hmmmm, maybe everyone else saw the humour in it all and just left it at that. Well done AO members, see, we all CAN get along as long as we can all laugh at one another in a good natured manner. My faith is restored!!!

P.S. Still hate the word Newfie, I never used it once in any of my posts! Some don`t mind it, I hate it. But that just me. My 2 cents. All the best to all!!
:love0025:

Maybe they all have you on ignore.:sHa_shakeshout:

I was gonna say for some reason they just aren't as funny.:)

[airbornedeerhunter]

Maybe they all have you on ignore.:sHa_shakeshout:

I was gonna say for some reason they just aren't as funny.:)

Or maybe it's just like I said, everyone had a good laugh and left it at that!

[great white whaler]

How do ya get 10 new3foundlanders in a volkswagen ?Tell them your going home.

[TomE]

George applied for a fork lift operator job at a company based in St. John's.

An Albertan also applied for the job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test in a quiet room with no interruptions by the manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to George and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Albertan the job."

George said, "And why would you be doing that, are you not a Newfoundlander? You say we both got 19 questions right.

This being Newfoundland and me being a true born Newfoundlander surely I should get the job?"

The manager replied, "We’ve not made our decision on the answers you got correct, but on the question you got wrong."

George said, "Geez, bye gum, do tell me now, how would one incorrect answer be better than another?":sHa_sarcasticlol:

The manager responded, “Well actually it was simple, on question number 7 the Albertan wrote down, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."

[TomE]

A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.


Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ******* is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.' :mad0030:

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

[Roughneck12]

I thought they were funny and kind of surprised at the lack of reaction also. Turn about is fair play.

[Fishgut]

Wanted : 3 person crew to install power poles.
3 men from Newfoundland and 3 men from Prince Edward Island showed up for the job.
The boss told them he only needed one crew, so I'll give all one day to see what you can do. He gave them all shovels and sent them out to the line.
At quitting time they all returned and he asked them how many poles they had put in.
The three from PEI said 16 poles boss, then he asked the three from Newfoundland how many poles they had put in and they replied 3 poles boss.
He asked them how come the men from PEI could put in 16 poles and they only put in 3.
The Newfoundlanders replied sure they put in 16 poles but did you see how much they left sticking out of the ground.

[GUMP]

A Newfie was walking down the street in St. John's when he saw a sign in a barroom window "Lobster Tail and Beer, $10.00" Lord tunderin' Jaysus, he says, My tree favorite tings.

[ram crazy]

Two Newfie city workers are out one day working on a boulevard and one of them would dig a hole and the other would come along behind the first guy and fill the hole back in. A person was watching this go on for awhile when finally curiosity got the better of him. The observer went over to the two guy's and asked why is one of you digging a hole and the other coming along behind and filling it in right away. One of the Newfie's said the guy that supposed to put the tree into the hole phoned in sick today!!!

[Slash8]

Ywo Newfs were walking down to the warf to go fishin,
One looks at the other and says "You want me to tro em two ores in da boat bye?
The other one says... Ems aint ores...... ems me sisters!

or

Two Newfies Talking.

m-r ducks
m-r not
o-s-a-r
c-d-e-d-b-d -I's
Well oil beef hooked
m-r ducks

[Fishgut]

My wife works in a restaurant and this is what happened.

A group of Mennonites came in had supper and when it came time to pay she told him there was a tip option on the till. the guy told her would you like to hear a joke to which she replied yes.

Whats the difference between a Mennonite and a boat
she said she didn't know
He answered : A mennonite doesn't tip

[albertadeer]

My wife works in a restaurant and this is what happened.

A group of Mennonites came in had supper and when it came time to pay she told him there was a tip option on the till. the guy told her would you like to hear a joke to which she replied yes.

Whats the difference between a Mennonite and a boat
she said she didn't know
He answered : A mennonite doesn't tip

GOLDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:sHa_shakeshout:

[Arn?Narn.]

bump