Joke time
 

bored... anyone tell me jokes lol

There was an old-timer Coybow who came to believe that gunpowder would make a most excellent curative measure and be very good for heatlh and longevity as well as a blessing from the Lord and great to ensure prime virility. He truly believed eating gunpowder would ensure a man would make a big mark on the world. As such, at breakfast each mourning he'd take a pinch of gunpowder with his cereal.

This Gentleman lived for many, many moons and passed way gracefully, full of years. He left behind a strong legacy propogated by his 11 children (all born of his Wife, his one true love)... He also left a VERY big hole on the crematorium wall!

:sHa_shakeshout:

lol :sHa_sarcasticlol:

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel on his pants.
The bartender asks, "what's with the wheel?"
The pirate says, "Arrr! It drives me nuts!"

think I saw this on another thread.

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering all
these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.

"When white man found this land, Indians were running it."
"No taxes."
"No debt."

"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."

"Women did all the work."
"Medicine man free."

"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
"All night having sex."

Then Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think
he could improve system like that."

I spoke to my mother today and told her I think I am adopted...because I think I look swedish or scandinavian. I always thought I was different than the family somehow.

She replied, "你是白如水稻"!

ya thats a good one :sign0161:

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 Males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

LMFAO thats funny

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this
flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few
bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height
and she gives us the length.'

:sHa_sarcasticlol:

The only cow in a small town in Saskatchewan stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta for 800 dollars. Being a poor town, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the local farming elder, who was very wise, what to do. They told the old farmer what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side".

The elder thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise man. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?

"The old farmer answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."

lol

A woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye ! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped my clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

The old gal replies 'Lordy, It was the best sex I've had in 45 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show my face in Tim Hortons again!'

LMFAO thats aweesome:sHa_shakeshout:

A dying grandfather, having no sons or grandsons, tells his granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the buildings, the livestock, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse, and $2,398,750 in cash."

The granddaughter, absolutely floored, says, "Oh Grandfather, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With his last dying breath, the girl's grandfather whispered "on facebook".

two buddies were out hunting . one of them starts complaining that he's not feeling good. suddenly collapses. buddy freaks out and calls 911 on his cell. tells operator his buddy is dead. operator tries to calm him down. tells buddy lets make sure he's dead first. he says ok.

next sound the operator hears is a gunshot.

lol

A chinese couple were making passionate love and the man said to his wife....
"Honey.. I want 69."

She retorted, " Why you want beef and greens now?"'

An old guy was walking by a blacksmiths shop, and being curious decided to go in for a look around, said good morning to the smitty and asked if it was ok to check out some of the stuff laying around, Smitty replied ok but be carefull, some of the stuff in here cause cuts burns n stuff, the old guy replied no problem I been around too long to worry about that stuff,Smitty says ok. The old guy starts looking, picking things up laying them back down,picking things up laying them back down, until he comes to a horseshoe the Smitty had just finished working, old guy picks the Hot horseshoe up, and immediately throws it down,Smitty says Hot? Old guy says NO.. it just don't take me long to look at a horseshoe.

Two guys walking down the street see a big ugly black dog licking his balls
One guy says"Gee.I wish I could do that!"
His buddy says"I think you better pat him first"

Lie Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man.

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life,” St. Peter informed him.

“Where’s David Suzuki's clock?”

“His clock is in Jesus’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

THIS IS A GOOD ONE:sHa_shakeshout:

***Newfie Job Interview



An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir, he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea" said the Newfie.

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Newfie. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I crapped myself!

Little Billy was walking in the park with his Dad and he witnessed some dogs that looked like one got stuck on top of the other while they were playing leapfrog :thinking006:. Billy asked "Daddy, what are those dogs doing?". Dad replied "Well Billy, those dogs are making a puppy". Billy contemplated briefly but had no further questions, so Dad was relieved and they continued with their outing.

Later that evening after bedtime Billy woke up from a bad dream and wandered down the hall to Mommy & Daddy's room. He pushed the door open and saw Daddy on top of Mommy before they noticed him. They rapidly pulled up the covers as soon as they noticed his presence and asked him what he was doing out of bed.

Billy replied "I had a bad dream" followed very quickly by "Daddy, what were you and Mommy doing?"

Daddy replied "Well Billy, your Mommy and I are trying to make you a little sister!"

Billy contemplates briefly and replied "Flip her over Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!!"

:D

:lol:

What will YOU drive?

Awesome lmfao

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher.

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked, "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does!

" A f r i c a n Elephant "