Joke Thread
 

Two guys were sitting in their boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer. One turns to the other and says, 'I'm thinking of divorcing my wife'. The other says... 'why in the world would you want to do that'?

The first fisherman replied... 'she hasn't talked to me in 2 months'.

The second fisherman thinks for a moment, then says...'I'd think about that if i were you'.

Worst joke ever


Now what's the deal with steel wool?

Me missus bought a paperback
Down town on Saturday,
I had a peep into her bag;

'Twas “Fifty Shades of Grey."

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

Her left hand held a length of rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down onto the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!



She struggled up upon her feet
A cuppla minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You would see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.

She stood there nude, just naked like,
Bent forward just a bit ….
I took a pace to brace meself
And stood on her left tit!

Old Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I won't tell no more
What happened on that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned “fifty shades of grey”.

Clinton vs. Titanic
 

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29..99
Clinton : cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewels
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either..

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

AAHHH...little Monica, hard to believe that she turned 50 a fews months ago....it just seems like yesterday that she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees putting whatever she could find in her mouth....time flies.....

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Lil' Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b***h, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:
And you, Tanya?

" I wanna be Lil' Johnny's b***h!"

ha!! :sHa_sarcasticlol:

A freshman at Harvard from Mississippi came up to an upperclassman and asked: "'Scuse me, could you please tell me where the library's at?"

The upperclassman sniffed, and said: "Here, at Harvard, we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

The freshman thought for a second, then said: "I'm sorry; let me rephrase that. Could you please tell me where the library's at, ash-hole?"

She was born in 1973. She is not even 40 yet.

Perfect thread for this one.

Rob Ford removed as mayor of Toronto due to conflict of interest

TORONTO - A Toronto judge has ordered the mayor of the Canada's largest city removed from office.

The judge found Rob Ford broke conflict-of-interest rules.

Ontario Superior Court Justice Charles Hackland says Ford cannot claim a slip-up or error in judgment made in good faith.

Ford, Hackland says, showed a "stubborn sense of entitlement" and a "dismissive and confrontational attitude" toward the integrity commissioner.

At issue was Ford's participation in a council vote on repaying money he had solicited for a private purpose using city letterhead when he was a councillor.

Hackland disqualified Ford from running again during this term of office and put his declaration on hold for 14 days to give the city time to make plans to deal with the situation.

Ford can appeal the ruling.

Joke
 

If "I Am" is the shortest sentence in the english language what is the longest
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^

"I Do"

Now that is funny. But not to my wife.

Little Johnny - again :)
 

Little Johnny is playing up in the back of the English class.

Teacher calls the little criminal to the blackboard and orders him to list four Shakespeare plays, or be sent to the Principal's office for the usual caning.

Little Johnny calmly writes on the board:

• three inches
  
• six inches
  
• nine inches
  
• twelve inches

Puzzled by this, and a little smug as it looks like LJ is headed for another tanning, Teacher asks LJ what this is supposed to mean.

LJ explains:

• Much Ado About Nothing.
  
• As You Like It.
  
• Midsummernight's Dream.
  
• Taming The Shrew.

A young monk has been assigned to a monastery where they copy manuscripts. He happily takes his place with the other monks copying day in and day out. A constant thought keeps crossing his mind and he decides to confide in the head monk.

He says “ We are copying from copies of copies on these manuscripts. Are we 100% sure that we have it right? There could be some mistakes and we could be making the same mistakes.”

The head monk says “You have a point so I will go to the archives and check.” The head monk is gone for 1 hour, two hours, three hours and after 4 hours the young monk heads down to the archives.
There he finds the senior monk banging his head against the wall muttering ”It says celebrate. Celebrate.”

Took me a little thinkin' on this one... lol!!:sHa_sarcasticlol:

.

What Women say during sex.
 

What women say during sex, a prostitute, a nymphomaniac and a housewife.

Prostitute ...... "That's it !!!"

Nymphomaniac ... That's it ??!!??
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
Housewife ... "Blue, I think I'll paint the kitchen blue."

When do you know when a women is having a bad day?????

well, shes got a tampon behind her ear and she cant find her smoke lolllll:sHa_shakeshout:

Caught a few with that one.

rotf .. lmao .. perfect

.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.

Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and be gone in the morning!

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

'groan'

What as 4 legs and smells like fish ?

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk? And if they have avocados, get 6.”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had avocados.”

Going fishing...
 

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and
tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron
sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking
on the fire.

"Geez Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into
letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting
in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes
and said, 'Guess who ?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a
brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and
rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told
me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing and golfing Maybe you should sell your guns and boat and Golf clubs

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't!"