Dirty Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way.
Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why're you wearin' your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children." Johnny says, "You should wear your frickin' trousers backwards."
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A guy's working at the lumber yard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers.
He goes to the Emergency Room. The doctor's says, "Yuk! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see
what I can do."
The guy says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, `you haven't got the fingers'? It's 2013. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made
you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
He says, "Well, ****, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
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A wealthy couple was going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler, Kirk, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came home early.
As she walked into the house she sees Kirk sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles.
"Kirk. Take off my dress." He does this carefully.
"Kirk. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her.
"Kirk. Remove my bra and panties." As he does this, the tension continues to mount.
She looks at him. "Kirk. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
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A farmer was out hunting one day, when all of a sudden, his gun misfired, and the shot hit him right in the arm. The farmer dropped his gun, and cradled the arm in his other arm. The shot arm was hanging on by a string.
He made his way back to the house, and had his wife drive him in to the country doctor.
He went to the doctor, and laid the arm gently down on the table. He looks the doc in the eyes, and says, "Okay, doc, I don't want any of that sleepin' stuff, and no Novocain, or pain killers. You just start sewin' on this arm best way you know how!"
Well, the doc starts stitching away. Even the doctor is wincing at every stitch. Finally, the doc can't take it anymore. He looks up at the farmer, and says, "Man, don't this hurt a lot?" Farmer says, "Yep, third worst pain I ever had in my life."
The doc jumps back. "Third worst pain you ever had in your life?! Here, you done near shot your arm off, and I'm here, stitchin' it up with no pain killers, or sleepin' stuff, and you're tellin' me this is only the third worst pain you ever had in your life? I know there can't be anything much worse than this!"
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc...try this one on for size. I was out a-huntin' one day, and I had to take me a mean dump. So I found me a clump of bushes, dropped my drawers, and backed up into them thar bushes when a bear trap snapped shut on my nuts!"
Doc says, "Oh my God! You had a bear trap snap shut on your nuts, and you're tellin' me that only the second worst pain you ever had in your life?! Now I KNOWS there cain't be nuthin' worse than that!"
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc, well you just try it when you're runnin and the slack in the chain runs out!"
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