|
|
12-10-2013, 10:31 AM
|
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,332
|
|
One day a cheechako arrived in Dawson City during the Yukon gold rush with a desire to become a Sourdough.
He went straight to the saloon and asked the men how to become one.
They told him he has to do 3 things in one night:
1. Drink down a whole bottle of hooch in less than 2 minutes.
2. Rape an Eskimo woman.
3. Wrestle a polar bear to the ground.
He agreed, grabbed a bottle of hooch and downed it in less the allotted time.
Then he staggered out of the saloon, among cheers and backslapping, to complete the other 2 tasks; so drunk he could barely navigate.
He was gone more than 3 hours, and the men were getting worried and muttering about a search party.
Just then the cheechako staggered into the saloon with his clothes and face torn to shreds, and bleeding all over the floor.
He leaned on the bar and shouted, "OK! Where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to wrestle?!?"
|
12-10-2013, 02:58 PM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Deadmonton
Posts: 6,368
|
|
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about ,
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,
he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client,
James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had,
she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door,
she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!
|
12-10-2013, 03:13 PM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Deadmonton
Posts: 6,368
|
|
A physchiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, from Toronto , Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, from Montreal Ann: "Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce from BC: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, from Newfoundland , Carol, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has
no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school
and get dinner."
|
12-10-2013, 04:29 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Okotoks wilderness
Posts: 4,420
|
|
Good and bad news
Guy goes to Doctor ....doc says there's good and bad news .
Guy says ..gimme the bad news first ....You only have 1 month to live .
But there's good news right....right says the Doc .
Did you happen to notice that well built blond at the front desk .
Ya the guy says ,the one with the huge rack
Ya says the Doc well I'm banging her .
Guy in hospital .....Doc says good and bad news.
Gimme the bad first .....well were gonna have to amputate both your legs .
Oh no but good news right ....Doc says ya ....The guy in the next bed
Will buy your slippers
|
12-10-2013, 07:50 PM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,630
|
|
A man gets a call from his doctor regarding his test results.
The doc says there is bad news and really bad news.
The man asked '"what's the bad news?"
Doc says..." unfortunately, you have a terminal disease and only have 2 days to live."
The man asks," Oh My God! What is the really bad news?"
The Doc replies,"I was supposed to call you yesterday."
|
12-11-2013, 09:17 AM
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calgary
Posts: 176
|
|
Two squaws were working hard harvesting vegetables out of the garden. One was pulling hard on a carrot when it finally popped out, she held up the heavy thick carrot for the other to see brushing the dirt off she says “this one reminds me of my buck.” The other squaw looking in disbelief says “your buck is that big?” No, says the first, “that dirty.”
|
12-11-2013, 10:22 AM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Blackfalds
Posts: 6,987
|
|
if women ran countries there would be no more wars, just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
__________________
Trudeau and Biden sit to pee
|
12-12-2013, 10:39 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 63
|
|
|
12-13-2013, 07:24 AM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Trinity bay newfoundland
Posts: 2,872
|
|
Irishmen buys a new plastic scrubing brush for the washroom,,,3 weeks later he go's back to using toilet paper.
__________________
wayne : If it didn't hurt than why are you crying ? ;o(
|
12-13-2013, 07:55 AM
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calgary
Posts: 5,183
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by DiabeticKripple
if women ran countries there would be no more wars, just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
|
Queen Victoria? Gun boat diplomacy.
__________________
Former Ford Fan
|
12-13-2013, 10:32 AM
|
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Calgary
Posts: 41
|
|
A bear and a rabbit were side by side crapping in the woods. The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks " does poop stick to yer fur" ? Rabbit replies " no not at all, why. " So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass.
|
12-13-2013, 10:37 AM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Blackfalds
Posts: 6,987
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered user
Queen Victoria? Gun boat diplomacy.
|
whoosh right over your head
__________________
Trudeau and Biden sit to pee
|
12-13-2013, 02:47 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calgary
Posts: 5,183
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by DiabeticKripple
whoosh right over your head
|
I guess.
__________________
Former Ford Fan
|
12-13-2013, 03:12 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2010
Location: edmonton
Posts: 3,918
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by DiabeticKripple
if women ran countries there would be no more wars, just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
|
Orly meet meegan lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3JOQqoCNjc
|
12-16-2013, 09:30 AM
|
|
Moderator
|
|
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: A bit North o' Center...
Posts: 11,714
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by ArryDawg
So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his... etc...
|
It's a running joke at our place... When someone points out that the local hares are turing brown:
"Hmmm, guess the bears are waking up again..."
|
12-16-2013, 07:41 PM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Trinity bay newfoundland
Posts: 2,872
|
|
Man go's to the eye doctor 'walks in the doctors office places a box unpon the counter ,doctor looks at it and says whats this he opens the box in side theres
a turd about 18 inches long and about 3 inches wide doctor shakes he head
and says what seems to be the problem ? man replies every time i push one
of these out it makes me eyes water.
__________________
wayne : If it didn't hurt than why are you crying ? ;o(
|
12-16-2013, 09:07 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calgary
Posts: 5,183
|
|
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 90 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 90 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide
However,
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open,
was
Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure
at the time of his death.
The Moral:
To hell with work.
Play golf.
__________________
Former Ford Fan
|
12-17-2013, 10:50 AM
|
|
|
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Hythe
Posts: 4,354
|
|
Guy walks into a bar dragging a chain.
Bartender asks"why are you dragging the chain"?
Guy says"have you ever seen anybody push a chain".
|
12-19-2013, 04:47 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calgary
Posts: 5,183
|
|
SEX AFTER SURGERY
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology; all we did was correct his eyesight."
__________________
Former Ford Fan
|
12-19-2013, 05:28 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Retired to Cardiff Alberta 3 Years ago
Posts: 30
|
|
Retiremnet
During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, “How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?”
“Well,” said the Director, “We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No,” said the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
|
12-19-2013, 06:24 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,332
|
|
One day Jimmie Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new F-350. Bubba pulled up with a big grin.
Jimmie Joe said, "Hey Bubba, where'd ya get the new truck?!?"
Bubba said, still grinning, "Bobbi Sue gave it to me."
"GAVE it to ya? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?!?"
Bubba said, " Well let me tell ya what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6 in the middle of nowhere in her new F-350. Bobbi Sue pulled off the road and headed into the woods. She parked, got out, and stripped off all her clothes and stood there butt naked and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want!'
So I took the truck."
Jimmie Joe said, " Bubba, you're one smart man! Them clothes would never a fit ya!"
|
12-19-2013, 06:29 PM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2011
Location: South East Saskatchewan
Posts: 130
|
|
Live every day like it is your last day on earth.......
.......and eventually you will be right!
|
12-20-2013, 06:25 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calgary
Posts: 5,183
|
|
In church I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just have to share it with you:
"Dear Lord, This sure has been a tough four to five years. You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician Michael Jackson, my favorite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston.....and now my favorite author Tom Clancy!
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Justin Trudeau, Dalton McGuinty, Mike Duffy, Pamela Wallin, Allison Redford and Dwight Duncan
Amen"
__________________
Former Ford Fan
|
12-20-2013, 08:04 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 63
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered user
SEX AFTER SURGERY
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology; all we did was correct his eyesight."
|
haha.. reminded me of another joke:
The most difficult part in Ophthalmologist's job is to convince his female patient to take her clothes off.
|
12-22-2013, 02:54 PM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 29
|
|
lmao some of these just kill me
|
12-22-2013, 03:19 PM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Trinity bay newfoundland
Posts: 2,872
|
|
There was this man who was feeling sick 'not up to snuf ,,,so of to the doctor he go's get some blood work done ,,,,,two days later he gets the results back ,he's been diagnosed with AIDS,,stunted by the diagnoses he could not understand why ,,,,he had lived a clean life' never drank or smoked when to church,,,,,asking the doctor why me,,doctor replied your father he was a carrier.
__________________
wayne : If it didn't hurt than why are you crying ? ;o(
|
12-22-2013, 04:25 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Calgary
Posts: 1,081
|
|
A blonde heads out one day to go ice fishing , after looking a little bit of looking she finds a good spot with nice smooth ice and starts with the auger , about then a large booming voice from overhead says " There is no fish there, so a bit confused but still determined to continue on here quest , she moves a little bit further away and starts a new whole , and again the voice tells her that there are no fish there , so again she try's another spot with the same voice again, so she looks up and says " OK God , where should I fish ? " , and the booming voice answers back " I don't know lady , I'm just the Rink announcer ".
|
12-24-2013, 11:58 AM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2007
Location: The elbow of Alberta
Posts: 1,375
|
|
I heard a disturbing story about a Chinese delicacy. It involves paralizing a monkey and removing the top of the skull plate. They then proceed to eat the brains while the monkey is still alive. Then they re-attach the skull plate and make welders out of them .
|
12-24-2013, 12:06 PM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Calgary
Posts: 472
|
|
My boss told me these....
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? You marry her.
If you're wife is hollering at the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? The dog, because he'll shut up once you let him in.
What food lowers a woman's sex drive by 99%? Wedding cake.
Merry Christmas
|
12-24-2013, 12:59 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,332
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Wing
I heard a disturbing story about a Chinese delicacy. It involves paralizing a monkey and removing the top of the skull plate. They then proceed to eat the brains while the monkey is still alive. Then they re-attach the skull plate and make LIBERALS out of them .
|
There, fixed it for ya!
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:45 PM.
|