Nuther one

[sullijr]

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, watch this!" Well, I have out done myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Ruth. The occasion was our 42nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety.
The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yippeeeeee....... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Ruth what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Tigger looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Tigger) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Tigger for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Ruth to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!".

Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Tigger looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. (Note: You
know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a
bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.
Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Tigger was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4"
deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both (Pecks) were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my (boys)? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
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G

[chuck0039]

i can't stop laughing, thats to funny to read. Although i think your thread belongs in the one already started called( " i'm such a dumb *****) by the way glad to hear that you are alright but it's always funnier when sombody else does crazy things i feel alot better knowing that i'm not the only one. ( never tazered my self and don't plan to)

[Walleyes]

Fricken good stuff sullijr,, way to muck fun thx man...

[TreeGuy]

Sullijr, you have now offically put out a 'who's funnier' thread, and Redfrog is now on notice!

God, that was the funniest thing I have read in ages! Well told. My ribs are aching and I still have tears in my eyes. The only thing that I can think to say is.......ya shouldda zapped the cat!

Tree

Tell me.... that wasnt you. Please also tell me.... you dont own firearms..

[Stinky Coyote]

Originally Posted by Doc Holiday

Please also tell me.... you dont own firearms..

Lol...cat's still alive aint it.

That was a beauty...even if it was made up...good imagination if so...but if you really did that.....all i gotta say is....awesome!

Reminds of the time i first saw them air soft pistols...and was just me and the shop owner in the shop at the time and he said a Dad was just in there bought a couple for his kids with some eye protection for runnin around the basement...i says 'oh yeah?'...'how hard they shoot?' (without him knowing i had a devil of a cat at the time that consistantly out ran the water bottle...like was in the next room before the water even landed on the counter where the little sh.t was originally standing when i squirted)....

so the guy says the little plastic balls will stick into a cardboard box at about 10' feet...'reaaaally?' i says....

so we pulled this ruger look alike out and put it to the test and i'll tell you what boys...i was payin attention....was only one thing left to do....yup...the man who started this thread will be proud...

i told the shop owner if he wants to sell that ninety dollar toy gun to me he's got to shoot me with it first...he looks at me funny of course...then i do my best to explain that i wont shoot my cat with it unless i know what it feels like so if he wants the deal he's got to shoot me....and so i promised him over and over that i wouldn't sue etc. etc.

finally convinced him...and so i let him shoot me in the back with a t-shirt on and turned around while not really enjoying the sting but i was so happy with just how much it did sting that i was smiling and said 'sold'....and here's the best part....

the shop owner is trying to read if there really is any pain in my face or not...his curiousity gets the best of him...he's says 'i gotta know'...i says 'gotta know what?' and he says...'you gotta shoot me now...i gotta know'...i says 'oky doky' and we line up same way....

funny thing is.....and the other main reason i got this 'cat trainer' was they are pretty dang accurate (so i could consistanly hit kitty in the arse with ease) and so i pick a spot on his back where the shirt is tight to the skin and letter rip...it was almost priceless i tell you.....but in reality it was 90 bucks....but sooooooo worth it....he hopped around like i lit him on fire or something lol 'yeow yeow yeow'...too good

and if any of you remember that little sportin goods store that was just off barlow in the northeast (foothills industrial park)...second floor...then you'll know the place...don't have cats anymore due to wife's allergies but pre-wife...that was the best cat training tool going...that cat was so bad i actually named him 'bad cat'.....'bad cat NO'...'bad cat NO!' and POP! only took a few and then just the words were enough couldn't outrun that puppy

how often you get to shoot the shop owner with a gun your just about to buy off him lol?

[moosefever]

Unbelievable, that's the funniest thing I have read in a long time....Great stuff!!

[sullijr]

Originally Posted by Doc Holiday

Tell me.... that wasnt you. Please also tell me.... you dont own firearms..

nope not me it was just something to pass on.I don't think I have managed to read it all in one sitting yet,it usually takes two sittings

[harv3589]

That is hilarious...great read to start the day

[BigBuck$]

Great story!!! If you are looking for your next thrill Peavy Mart has cattle prods on display and they usually have batteries in them on the shelf (my buddy found that out the hard way when he sent 10000 volts through his wifes' ***** ). There is also those bug swatter things that look like a tenis racket that hurt like hell. Maybe you would be interested in a shock collar, tried one of those on my arm a while back, pretty good zap on full power

[Reeves1]

(my buddy found that out the hard way when he sent 10000 volts through his wifes' ***** ).

When is he getting out of the hospital ?

[Copidosoma]

"I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position."


Very well done mate.

That is damn near the funniest thing I've read in a Loooong time.

Have you tried bearspray? (I doubt it compares to a tazer but it is still quite an experience)

[lazy ike]

Funny thing about electricty is that it contracts your muscles, like the ones in your hand holding the device. Good read.

Heh, Haven't read that one in a while. Good one.

Had a good zap when I was repairing a computer power supply a few years back... Sent me flying backwards clear across the family room. Ike's right about muscles contracting... I lifted the whole computer between my thumb and forefinger, and it only slipped out of my grasp halfway through my flight...

[bagwan]

Jeez Sulli, Im by-passing Camrose on the way to the city from now on. You're scary. Damn good story, though, I'm still laughing.

[LB 270]

That was great. I laughed till I cried. Too funny. Can't wait for the next one.
LB

[mud slug]

wow thought i was the only dumb***** redneck that would think of something like that glad to know that there is more than just me hate to be the only one i'm still laughing that was goodhad to read it twice because of the tiers