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03-11-2022, 10:16 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Woodstock and Tillsonburg, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays,
I will provide him with a new Ford every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!’
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double
his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!’
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will have sex with him.’
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?’
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head
from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'XXXX him’.
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03-11-2022, 10:17 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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Brian from the accounts department passed me this morning as I was going to work, he must have been doing at least 100mph.
Mind you, he did jump from the 32nd floor.
In his final high school exams, my Granddad got 7 C's
So he became a pirate.
Is it a coincidence that 18 American diplomats cancelled a trip to the Russian embassy in Moscow on the same day McDonald's closed every restaurant?
Did you know Yoda had a last name?
Layheehoo!
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03-11-2022, 11:01 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: On the border in Lloydminster
Posts: 8,382
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A guy is sitting at the bar, a drunk oriental guy comes and sits beside side him
The guy asks do you know karate or king ku?
The Oriental guy snaps I’m sick of always being racially profiled just because I’m oriental you assume I know the martial arts
The guy replies no it’s because you’re drinking my beer
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Si vis pacem, para bellum
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03-11-2022, 02:10 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,629
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The only cow in a small town in Saskatchewan stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta for 800 dollars. Being a poor town, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the local farming elder, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the old farmer what was happening, "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The elder thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"
The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise man. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?
"The old farmer answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."
__________________
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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03-11-2022, 02:14 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,629
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My wife was upstairs, I was in the basement.
She shouted to me in a concerned voice, "Hey do you ever get a shooting pain down your spine, into your chest like someone stuck a needle in a voodoo doll?"
I stammered a little, managed to get out "ummmm... no?"
To which she replied, "HOW ABOUT NOW?"
__________________
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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03-11-2022, 03:27 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 936
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets
The only cow in a small town in Saskatchewan stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta for 800 dollars. Being a poor town, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the local farming elder, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the old farmer what was happening, "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The elder thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"
The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise man. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?
"The old farmer answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."
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dandy!!!!
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03-11-2022, 06:48 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 285
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.............
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03-14-2022, 12:22 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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Yes Sir! Sergeant Major!
A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize
"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"
"John."
"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Smith, Jones, Jenkins, and so on. And you will refer to me as sergeant major. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sergeant major."
"Good. Now that we've got that settled, what is your name, soldier?"
The soldier breathes a heavy sigh and answers "Darling. My name is John Darling, sergeant major!”
"Okay John, here's what I need you to do..."
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03-14-2022, 12:24 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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Cheap at the price!
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"
"I bought it today," he says.
"With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.
"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says.
"It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on."
So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
"Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back."
"Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?"
"Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did!”
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03-14-2022, 12:25 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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Are you sweating when filling up?
Feeling sick about rising gas prices?
Then, you’re suffering from the Car Owner virus!!!
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03-14-2022, 01:07 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Airdrie
Posts: 1,799
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Johnny...
A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
‘Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’
Teacher: ‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’
Johnny said I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’
The teacher fainted…
__________________
Fuel up, go for a drive, ask permission.....If you are scared, take your mom with you
Huntinstuff
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03-14-2022, 08:29 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Who Da Fisherman
A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
‘Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’
Teacher: ‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’
Johnny said I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’
The teacher fainted…
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03-23-2022, 09:45 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fish along
Two fellers out on the bay fishing,and along comes a yacht with women sunbathing in their bathing suits ,one guy says to the other...you should show em your nutz so he crosses his eyes an licks out his tongue at them
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ha ha
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03-23-2022, 09:46 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RandyBoBandy
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love lil jonny
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03-24-2022, 10:53 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3,498
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The one about the plumber is still accurate today
5-1/2 minutes of Ronald Reagan telling Soviet jokes. His delivery is better than reading them on the screen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A
__________________
“One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce, and canonized those who complain.” - Thomas Sowell
“We seem to be getting closer and closer to a situation where nobody is responsible for what they did but we are all responsible for what somebody else did.”- Thomas Sowell
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04-01-2022, 05:15 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Westerose
Posts: 4,113
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With the advent of the self driving vehicle, it is only a matter of time before there is a country and western song where the guy's truck leaves him.
ARG
__________________
In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher'.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sjemac
It has been scientifically proven that a 308 round will not leave your property -- they essentially fall dead at the fence line. But a 38 round, when fired from a handgun, will of its own accord leave your property and destroy any small schools nearby.
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04-01-2022, 05:20 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Westerose
Posts: 4,113
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happy april fool
__________________
In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher'.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sjemac
It has been scientifically proven that a 308 round will not leave your property -- they essentially fall dead at the fence line. But a 38 round, when fired from a handgun, will of its own accord leave your property and destroy any small schools nearby.
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04-01-2022, 08:11 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Au revoir, Gopher
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04-02-2022, 07:39 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 686
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Au revoir, Gopher
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Nice to see that in spite of being taken over by a big private equity group, that they still have a sense of humour
__________________
Why hunt when I could buy meat?
Why have sex when I could opt for artificial insemination?
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04-02-2022, 11:11 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Camrose county
Posts: 3,502
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Au revoir, Gopher
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For a split second there i thought i might like to go,for 500 dollars lol.
__________________
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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04-07-2022, 02:45 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: GP AB
Posts: 16,301
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Everyone loves physics jokes right? Well, I do. So here are a few. Shamelessly stolen from Archerytalk forum.
1. Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar .... and doesn't.
2. A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We don't serve your kind in here!" The neutrino says, "That's okay. I'm just passing through."
3. A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a beer?" the neutron asks. "For you," the bartender replies, "no charge".
4. Two atoms were walking down the street. One stopped and said, "Hey! I think I just lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" asked the other. The first replied, "I'm positive."
5. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve particles that travel faster than light". A tachyon walks into a bar.
6. A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, "May I help you with your luggage". "No thanks," replies the photon, "I'm travelling light."
7. Entropy isn't what it used to be.
8. Einstein developed a theory about space ... and it was about time too.
9. Heisenberg is pulled over by a cop for speeding. "Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop. "No, officer, but I know exactly where I am!"
10. A Higgs Boson particle walked into a church. The priest said, "This really isn't the place for you." The particle replied, "But without me, you can't have mass!"
__________________
'Once the monkeys learn they can vote themselves a banana, they'll never climb another tree.'. Robert Heinlein
'You can accomplish a lot more with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone.' Al Capone
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05-12-2022, 12:30 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Near Edmonton
Posts: 15,203
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Subject: Beer & the Wheel
Beer & the Wheel:
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the ******* for obvious reasons.
Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and also to just irritate a bunch of liberals.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks, right after I forward this message!
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05-12-2022, 01:37 PM
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Moderator
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 7,763
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Woohoo! My career is on the Conservative list!
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05-12-2022, 08:48 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dean2
Subject: Beer & the Wheel
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks, right after I forward this message!
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Brilliant !!
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05-17-2022, 07:18 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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Talking Dog
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the dog replies. "So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government.
I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He never did any of that ****."
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05-17-2022, 06:18 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,629
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One day I went on an overnight trip and left my dog at the house with lots of food and water. My dog's name was "In". The next day I got home and I knew my dog, In, had died before I even went to the house. A couple folks asked me how I knew my dog was dead, like 'was it a gut feeling?'
I told them I knew because of Instinct.
__________________
___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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05-21-2022, 02:11 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3,092
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About 30 years ago there was a group of big game hunters in Alaska.
A German, an Austrian and a Czech.
They were camping one night when they were attacked by some Grizzlies and the Czech, unfortunately, was carried off into the forest and eaten.
The other two hunters contacted the Alaskan Wildlife service to attend the site investigate what happened and help them recover their friends body.
The Game wardens arrived, looked at the evidence and they decided to track down they bear that killed and ate their friend.
Eventually the wardens and the two hunters tracked the group of 4 bears to a small clearing in the woods and the Warden immediately shot the large male bear and let the other 3 bears ( a sow and two large cubs) to run off.
They cut open the bear and there was their unfortunate friend.
“How did you know our friend would be in THIS bear and not the other bears?” the Austrian asked.
“Easy” replied the Warden, ” The Czech is always in the male.”
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05-22-2022, 12:23 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Leslieville
Posts: 2,521
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Wives are like a tin roof - if you don't do a good job of screwing, they end up at the neighbor's.
__________________
We talk so much about leaving a better planet to our kids, that we forget to leave better kids to our planet.
Gerry Burnie
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05-23-2022, 05:42 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,322
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What's a definition of "Oh, s#it!"
A jumbo jet full of lawyers that crashed into a mountain - with one survivor.
There was a terrorist that hijacked a jumbo jet full of lawyers. He threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.
What became of the woman who backed into a plane propeller?
Disasster!
Why didn't the blonde go to the airport?
She saw a sign that said AIRPORT LEFT, so she turned around and went home.
There was a huge explosion at the paint factory. The townsfolk thought all the workers were killed, but they all came through with flying colors.
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05-23-2022, 07:32 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Calgary
Posts: 1,821
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What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to bed?
He puts his pajamazon!
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