Bully

[Norwest Alta]

Don't mean to derail but how many have tried the parent to parent or the parent to school authority? Did it work or make the bullying worse? I know from my experience that a well fought fight made things work once the other kids figured I was no slouch.

[wildbill]

Originally Posted by Norwest Alta

Don't mean to derail but how many have tried the parent to parent or the parent to school authority? Did it work or make the bullying worse? I know from my experience that a well fought fight made things work once the other kids figured I was no slouch.

Twenty years ish ago I was suspended three times and expelled once, for fighting, all times I was defending kids who were being bullied and one who assaulted one of my teammates on my basket ball team, I pounded him out in front of my whole school 1000+ kids and all four of my principals, they made me go to anger management before I was allowed back, certain things trigger me, and I think this kids dad may just do that, I don't want to resort to my old ways. I aint gonna be much use in the crow bar hotel. And I'm 99% sure my kid would pound this kid, I just want him treating people with respect, and not resorting to violence if possible.

[Norwest Alta]

Originally Posted by wildbill

Twenty years ish ago I was suspended three times and expelled once, for fighting, all times I was defending kids who were being bullied and one who assaulted one of my teammates on my basket ball team, I pounded him out in front of my whole school 1000+ kids and all four of my principals, they made me go to anger management before I was allowed back, certain things trigger me, and I think this kids dad may just do that, I don't want to resort to my old ways. I gonna be much use in the crow bar hotel. And I'm 99% sure my kid would pound this kid, I just want him treating people with respect, and not resorting to violence if possible.

I know what you're saying Bill but I can't imagine getting the other parents and school teachers involved will make things better and think more then likely worse. Just my thoughts. I do feel bad for your son but o think that thumping this other kid would yield best results. He can still be handy and be able to treat others with respect and he'll also receive respect. He doesn't have to fight the whole school just this one little turd.

[Mulehahn]

Be proud of your son for coming to you. A lot of kids just internalize it and never tell anyone. And as others have said, make sure he knows that it has nothing to do with him. After this racist there will be someone else who doesn't like him for some other reason.

As for how to handle this situation... it really does depend on so many things. This may sound harsh, but how popular is your son versus the other kid? If the other kid is really popular your son may be just seen as some snitch of he goes to the principle, or ostracized if he beats him up. If you son has quite a few friends then it is best to let to the principle handle it. Not defending any of this, but kids are harsh.

Also, in today's world fighting causes more trouble then it's worth. But basketball can be quiet a physical game if you play it "right"... elbows up, be sure to teach him to plant his feet when stopping, drive hard to the net. Lots can be done within the rules of the game.

[schreyer]

Lots of variables to take into account here...I'll give you my experiences and hopefully that'll give you a little more insight.

Dealing with the bully while his buddies around will only exacerbate the problem even more. You need to get them alone. Bullies are a different animal when nobody is there to back them up. I would try and talk to said bully and draw the line on what I'll let slide. Kinda give him the benefit of doubt that he can be the bigger man and walk away with his reputation still intact.When I did this, it remedied the problem for a while.

Eventually I did have to throw fists. Once they saw that I was no easy target they moved on pretty quickly. Even avoided me at certain times in the school just so not to make eye contact while passing each other in the hallway.

Sorry to hear about your situation, bud (OP). Hopefully things clear up.

[tirebob]

Originally Posted by Norwest Alta

I know what you're saying Bill but I can't imagine getting the other parents and school teachers involved will make things better and think more then likely worse. Just my thoughts. I do feel bad for your son but o think that thumping this other kid would yield best results. He can still be handy and be able to treat others with respect and he'll also receive respect. He doesn't have to fight the whole school just this one little turd.

I was bullied all through elementary school, but I was a big kid so it was never 1 kid at a time. It was always 2 or 3 of the school goons that would prey n me at the same time. My parents talked to the school and the parents and even once the cops, but it never helped and sometimes made it worse. Finally when I was about 12 I had enough. I ended up getting shoved by one of the kids and I lost it and beat the tar out of him. We both got detention. The next day, one of his buddies who would also pick on me came up and picked a fight shoving me around and asking me to try him on if I thought I was all tough now. Again I lost it and pummeled him too, and we both got detention, for me the second time in 2 days.

After that, they left me alone completely, and even as we grew up through elementary school into high school, we ended up becoming civil to each other. I wouldn't say we became friends, but they definitely no longer disrespected me...

[huntinstuff]

The bigger issue you make it, the bigger it gets

Your son needs to know there are people like that

He needs to deal with that. Correctly.

He might consider buying his time. Waiting for the moment to strike

Like in a classroom. Full of kids and a teacher. So that they all hear it.

Bad boy opens hiz mouth in context during classroom talk

Your boy pipes up and mentions the in incident clearly so all can hear

Let the mob sort the bad boy out

I used to get picked on due to my fathers actions. I learned fast that there were two ways to deal with it. First, find the time to make others aware. Second, be prepared for the consequences because, whether you are right or wrong, there are consequences. Fight only to protect yourself. And learn to do it well.

The boys i fought were not hurt, they were injured. Theres a difference

[58thecat]

Originally Posted by bobtodrick

Bad idea.
Nowadays (unlike when we were kids) there is a very good likelyhood that the bully may very well be packing a knife (at the least).
You could very well end up with a dead child.

And the bus may crash on the ride home killing all...doing nothing is the absolute worse now the bully wins and you are thier target and the loosers that follow the bully cuz you know sheeeet magnets walk together, avoid what you can as words are just that and the source means nothing, walk away but don't let them/him/her touch you then it needs to be dealt with physically.
Throat punch,thumb to eye, groin kick step back and reasses the damage...my kids were bullied, dealt with it, I sat there and listened to both sides rather bewildered at the spew that came out of some adults about no fighting etc, fighting, there was no fight it was purely self defence then left to report the altercation...oh well this wheel will turn for centuries more to come.

[ReconWilly]

I hate social media and have never touched any of it, but these kids are raised on it and fear being shamed or made to look a fool on it...those fakebook and instagram SJWs are the real bullies!

Pointing a camera at someone is almost like pointing a gun at them now a days...maybe worse once the online lynch mob has their say...maybe send the principle and the other kids father a link to this thread?

Does the school have a social media account?

[Norwest Alta]

Originally Posted by tirebob

I was bullied all through elementary school, but I was a big kid so it was never 1 kid at a time. It was always 2 or 3 of the school goons that would prey n me at the same time. My parents talked to the school and the parents and even once the cops, but it never helped and sometimes made it worse. Finally when I was about 12 I had enough. I ended up getting shoved by one of the kids and I lost it and beat the tar out of him. We both got detention. The next day, one of his buddies who would also pick on me came up and picked a fight shoving me around and asking me to try him on if I thought I was all tough now. Again I lost it and pummeled him too, and we both got detention, for me the second time in 2 days.

After that, they left me alone completely, and even as we grew up through elementary school into high school, we ended up becoming civil to each other. I wouldn't say we became friends, but they definitely no longer disrespected me...

Much like myself when I was the country hick moving to the big city. One good tilt after school with Mike and his buddies watching was the end of that. The country bumpkin was a little tougher then he looked. Ended up being friends with all those guys thru my school days. Taught my kids the same. If my kids got suspended from school I'd ask the teacher what happened if the story fit theirs then have a holiday boys. If not then the had to face my wrath. Don't remember the boys ever having any problems. The daughter was different but I think a girls perceived problems are.

[raab]

Go have a chat with the kids parents. They should deal with it.

If it continues get others involved up to the RCMP if need be. Kid will crap his pants if an officer walks in and threatens to arrest him if he utters another threat to your kid.

[boah]

Originally Posted by raab

Go have a chat with the kids parents. They should deal with it.

Racism in children is a learned action. I wonder where he learned it?

[raab]

Originally Posted by boah

Racism in children is a learned action. I wonder where he learned it?

Could be from his grandparents, doesn't necessarily have to be his parents. If his parents dont do anything about it, then go up the chain IMO. Be good to understand the type of upbringing this kid has, then you can understand how to go forward.

Also might be good to put your kid in Judo or Karate. I did Judo growing up and slammed more then a few kids into the ground when I needed to.

[NSR Fisher]

To everyone who says let the kid fight for himself to become a man...
...that might have worked when you grew up but nowadays its not just one of them. I'm sure the bully has his little crew, and it would just be a sh*t kicking for the OP's poor boy. What kind of lesson is "at least you stood up for yourself" if he ends up with broken bones and a concussion? He will be scarred for life, "moral high ground" doesn't mean anything to a scared 10 year old.

I agree with the more sensible comments, have a chat with the other parents. If they say "nothings wrong with our kid, its you people" then you can go above to the authorities. If there is one institution that takes racism seriously its the public schools and they will have the Bully expelled, never mind your kid going anywhere. And definitely reinforce that these kind of people will be everywhere in life, and you have to just focus on your own path because the more of a reaction you give the more the bully wants to poke.

You know what really messed with the bullies heads when I went to school? A blank, emotionless stare. Direct eye contact, no emotion. Just stare at them while they run their mouth. They don't know what to think, because you are impossible to read. You will know you've won the chirp-fest when they break eye contact first. Worked like a charm. The one fellow eventually stopped mid sentence, asking if something was wrong with me, why I didn't say anything and just kept staring. I smiled, finally opening my mouth with "I'm doing just fine actually, thank you for asking." He was so confused, that he had no idea what to respond with. I had actually gotten the bully to ask if I am ok, without him even realizing it.

Opening your mouth to chirp back, or trying to look away and avoid eye contact is the absolute worst thing to do. That's the reaction they want. A cold, analytical gaze makes people uncomfortable.

Also, as another measure enrolling your kid in martial arts does wonders for their self esteem too. A lot of the training they do in those classes is mental preparation and confidence type things, the fighting comes second (as it should).

[huntinstuff]

Originally Posted by raab

Also might be good to put your kid in Judo or Karate. I did Judo growing up and slammed more then a few kids into the ground when I needed to.

Yeah. THAT wont perpetuate the stereotype AT ALL

[mattthegorby]

All I gotta add is the whole snitch mentality is BS perpetuated by bullies so they can victimize others. Peer pressure not to tell is likely greater than his fear of the bully. Your son is brave for coming to you and you are a good dad for moving forward with this.

Matt

Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk

[raab]

Originally Posted by huntinstuff

Yeah. THAT wont perpetuate the stereotype AT ALL

Who cares if it does, not to many guys who wanted to mess with Bruce Lee. Even if he took boxing or wrestling, it dont matter. It teaches good life skills and gives you a bit of knowledge in self defence.

[omega50]

A martial arts studio might indeed have some valuable insight into dealing with bullies.

Wonder how many of their students came to them after a bullying episode?

[260 Rem]

Originally Posted by omega50

A martial arts studio might indeed have some valuable insight into dealing with bullies.
Wonder how many of their students came to them after a bullying episode?

I operated a karate club for several years. Can’t recal a single parent that brought a kid that was being bullied. We did not take kids under 11yrs of age as we felt they lacked the necessary focus. That being said, think about it ... say two classes per week 1.5 hrs each for 2 years to become proficient enough in the basics that “might” yield advantage in a fight. But, more important would be the development of self confidence. And, it is the self confidence that results in a bully passing on to a more receptive victim.

[tri777]

Originally Posted by wildbill

"..picked up my 9 yo boy from mini basketball---- boy in grade 5 says he want to strangle me because I'm Chinese..."

.... I think an update concerning this situation is needed Wildbill..what is your 9yr olds story now..?

[270man]

Originally Posted by sns2

First time take the low road with the principal coach. In all likelihood, he has no idea. Talk about how this has made your son feel, particularly at such a young age, and what this boy likely has/will say to others. Ask that he handle it, and let you know that when it has been dealt with. If not dealt with satisfactorily, and there is a repeat event, PM 260Rem. He will give you prudent advice. Remember, principals have bosses too. Do not go from 0-60 in two seconds when you talk. Honey gets more bees than vinegar.

I find these stories sickening to my stomach. Kids' self image is formed in these years.

Excellent advice in my opinion.

[58thecat]

Hers another perspective, parents, just parents, they get involved immediately blow things right out of proportion now a days.
Prime example hockey, minor sports, kids is competing, having fun, before, during and after parents are loosing it, ask the kid and they don't remember the day after,parents do and are still going berserk making azzzzzes out of themselfs.
Man things are said on the playing fields, in school etc had a buddy who never spoke to his parents because mom would embarrass him so he learnt real quick they were the problem not the opponent who called him a name...just another perspective......

[wildbill]

Originally Posted by 58thecat

Hers another perspective, parents, just parents, they get involved immediately blow things right out of proportion now a days.
Prime example hockey, minor sports, kids is competing, having fun, before, during and after parents are loosing it, ask the kid and they don't remember the day after,parents do and are still going berserk making azzzzzes out of themselfs.
Man things are said on the playing fields, in school etc had a buddy who never spoke to his parents because mom would embarrass him so he learnt real quick they were the problem not the opponent who called him a name...just another perspective......

Exactly, I don't want to look like the cave man anymore, and I don't want the whole town (3200) thinkin I'm a psycho.

[KegRiver]

Originally Posted by wildbill

So I just picked up my 9 yo boy from mini basketball, I ask him how it was, he says "oh it was good, ----- boy in grade 5 says he want to strangle me because I'm Chinese" my wife is Northern Vietnamese, so he is a hybrid. I instantly feel a dark old feeling coming over me.......this kid must some parents! Does anyone have any non-violent suggestions? They would be greatly appreciated! And yes, I'm very mad

You have already done the most important part, and it may be all that is needed.

As someone who endured years of severe bullying, I can tell you that dad taking it seriously is huge.
My parents did not.

[Willowayin]

Went through bullying with one of my sons in junior high, as I was also bullied growing up, told my son to stand on his feet. Found out after the fact, but bully said meet you in baseball court after school. My son went, had a crowd of people standing around, it got physical, not sure how bad, but my son had no problem throwing fists. Bully had to submit, end of story. Got suspended for 3 days but bully never touched him again! If my son didn’t show up and fight I can guarantee he would still have been pestered. This ended it diddlely squat.
Yes stupid people, but bullying results in that person being bullied in the past and just continues to repeat the cycle.

[58thecat]

Originally Posted by wildbill

Exactly, I don't want to look like the cave man anymore, and I don't want the whole town (3200) thinkin I'm a psycho.

I would see how it plays out, isolated squabble, words said more than likely between two kids, only one side told, one side heard...kids squabble.

I always ask my kids during these cases what did you do? More often they know where I am going with it and find out that thier actions were not appropriate neither. Ahhh parenting is challenging yet rewarding if you put the energy into it.

[buckbrush]

My first few months of grade 10 were hell for me. I was from a different town and made friends right away. The problem was, a few of those friends were girls. A group of guys older than me had interest in those girls and decided to make things rough for me. The one guy who was kind of the ring leader told everybody he was going to beat me up. I had never even spoken a word to this fellow. Come the night of our first high school dance he had some of his friends walk by me and say stuff like "the fights tonight" "your gonna get beat after the dance" ect.

I was terrified, guy was bigger than me and I hadn't been in many fights.
I left the dance and went to a friends house to hide. Finally I had a thought, if i stayed and hid everyone would think I'm a coward and this will continue. If I go and take a beating at least I show I'm not scared.

I went back to the school just as the dance was getting out. A huge crowd was gathering around 'smokers corner' already it just seemed like the whole high school was there. I was about to be sick.

After what felt like hours of waiting and watching the gathering get bigger I saw my opponent. I walked up and we squared off, I hit the guy as hard as I could in the nose followed by about 5 rights. He put his arms over his head and just let me beat him. It was probably one of the best feelings ever.
I was banned from high school dances but I gained a lot of respect from the whole school that night.He ended up getting taken to the hospital (just to get his nose looked at,nothing major) Had I stayed hiding the outcome would have been much different.

I know times have changed but sometimes these things are the only way IMO

[roper1]

Originally Posted by huntinstuff

Fight only to protect yourself. And learn to do it well.

The boys i fought were not hurt, they were injured. Theres a difference

Agreed, the boy is 9. The only intervention necessary is the will to not be stepped on, the solution lies in how hard he's willing to throw them........

[HeavyD111]

Just read an article of an RM grader operator who looked 60+, killed himself after being bullied at work. Went on stress leave for a bit then 2 days into his return he decides to end it. Guess it happens at any age, sad.

[260 Rem]

I will admit that a few times during my 30 years of dealing with bully situations as a School principal (after not getting satisfactory results), I let the victim’s parents know that I would discipline their child with standard punishment if they resorted to physical retaliation...(with understanding and compassion). Of course, the situation had be right for me to try that “Hail Mary” strategy.
Basically, bullying involves three players that require “intervention”. 1) The Bully / 2) The Victim / 3) The Enablers.
Typically (in school environments), the Bully can be neutralized (and yes, the principal can act on “out of school” events). Also, Enablers that are students can be “educated” to neutrality and are valuable “monitors”.
The unfortunate reality is that in most cases, it is the Victim that requires a lot of intervention in terms of identifying and developing reactive behavioral strategies. (Note: I am referring to the bullying directed towards “habitual” victims, not “incidental” bullying situations.)