Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

[Fish along]

Originally Posted by Gerry

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that
both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the
reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit,
"But she only had one arm, and when
it came to getting us out of the bathtub,
she had to manage as best she could."

Great joke thanks for sharing.

[Red Bullets]

A couple of Czech hunters from Prague are out hunting and an enormous bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of the hunters. Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the grizzly.

The other hunter runs back to town and organizes a rescue party which heads back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears, etc.

Soon they spot two bears on the horizon and everybody starts shooting at the bear that's closest to them.

"No, not that one," shouts the surviving hunter, "That's the female."

"The Czech is in the male."

[Red Bullets]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight... the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[Red Bullets]

One day Jane said to Tarzan," Tarzan, we have no meat. Go hunting."

So Tarzan takes his blowgun and goes into the jungle. First thing he sees is a flock of finches so he darts a half dozen and puts them into a sack. He carries on down the trail and sees a group of chimps so he darts one of them and throws it into the same sack with the finches.

Tarzan goes home to Jane and puts the full sack before her. Jane opens the sack and whines, " Aah, Not finch and chimps again!"

[Gerry]

A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, ""Rabbi,
something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?"
The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi then said, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I
can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I spoke to your
wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously replied, "Yes."
"Take the poison," said the Rabbi.

[Gerry]

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife
would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny
to buy a "dream home". Trying to placate her, the husband found a new
apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began
complaining again
"Joel..." she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in
the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath." "Don't
worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you,
they'll buy curtains."

[Gerry]

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard.
He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.
The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions,"
he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on
the anvil.
"Get that hammer over there." he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real
good and hard."
The town is looking for a new blacksmith.

[Gerry]

A pretty redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce
and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to
mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized,
she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he
was a married man. "Oh, Lary," she sobbed at the conclusion
of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together,
the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Larry proceeded to scold her
for her lack of discretion and good judgment. "Snatched drinks
in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried
meetings in sordid motels rooms -- is that really what you
want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed; heartsick.
"Damn," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

[Gerry]

Don't try this

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his
ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the
Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd
just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

[Gerry]

There's an old couple, both in their 80's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first
met. They're sitting in a pub he says to her,"Do you |remember the first time we had sex together, over
| fifty |years ago?
|We went behind the bar. You leaned against the fence |and I made love to you from behind."
|"Yes", she says, "I remember it well." "OK", he says,
|"How about taking a stroll round there again and we |can do it for old times sake?"
|"Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea", |she answers.
|There's a man sitting at the next table listening to |all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks,'I've
|got to see this, two old timers having sex against a |fence.' So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, |leaning on each other for support, aided by walking |sticks.
|Finally they get to the back of the bar and make their |way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, pulls |her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns |around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The guy, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask
him what his secret is.'
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret", the old man says, "except fifty years ago that ****ing fence wasn't electric

[Gerry]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, hey, this looks like yours!"

[Gerry]

Two guys are at a party and standing on a balcony 26 floors up when one happens to notice another fellow is listening in on their conversation.
He turns to his buddy and say's, "that's right, if the wind is just right, you can jump off of this balcony and the wind will blow you right back up unto it, watch." and he leaps off. A few seconds later he comes back up unto the balcony.
The the fellow walks over and say's, "that’s the most amazing thing I've ever seen, would you mind if I tried?"
The guy say's "no, go ahead."
The guyi leaps off and falls to his death.
The one guy turns to the other and say's, "you know superman, you can be a real ***** sometimes."

[Gerry]

A guy’s wife goes to the doctor for a check-up, so on the way home from work he stops in at the clinic to hear what the doctor has to say.
“Well,” say’s the doc, “after checking her over, she either has Alzheimer’s or aids.”
“How the hell do I find out for sure what she has?” the guy asks.
“Well,” say’s the doc, “drive her about 8 blocks from home and drop her off.”
“Yea, and?”
“And if she finds her way home don’t have sex her.”

[stuckincity]

In the late Fall, the Indians out on the Siksika Nation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the Old Ways. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his people that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called The Weather Network and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called The Weather Network again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the meteorologist again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the Chief called The Weather Network again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting tons of firewood.'

[elkhunter11]

An amusing video.

https://www.facebook.com/ben.borrell...5913430770031/

[Little red riding hood]

A guy sees a good looking, we'll built young lady, so he goes to her and asks "may I bite your breasts for $10?" She shreaks "what?? No!" He says "how bout $100?" She replies "no, take a hike!" He says "come on, $1000?" She says "well... ok" so he takes her out of sight, and he's licking and sucking and fondling her breasts. Finally she says "well, hurry up! Are you going to bite them or what?" He says "naw... too expensive!"

[Red Bullets]

haha

[bat119]

Hi, Sean, this is Alex from next door.
I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in a text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not at home. In fact, quiet likely more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just awesome. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Greetings, Alex.
Neighbour Sean’s Response
Sean, feeling so angered and betrayed, then grabbed his pump rifle and shot his neighbour Alex dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the couch. Sean took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alex.
SECOND MESSAGE*
Hi, Sean, this is Alex from next door, again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey?

[Stinky Buffalo]

A pastor was visiting with an elderly lady from his congregation. He sat with her for quite some time, listening to her go on and on about all the trials in her life, and how miserable things were for her.

At last, the pastor leaned forward, and said reassuringly, "Well, let's pray about all of these things together."

The woman sat upright, with a look of shock on her face.

"But Pastor," she cried, "has it really come to that?"

[Little red riding hood]

Hahaha, darn autocorrect!!!

[Dr. Phil A]

So the next time you are at the ATM late at night and the person in front of you is acting nervous about your presence, just lean in and kiss them gently on the neck. Whisper quietly" You smell different when you are awake!!!!


Been so long since my wife and I had biblical relations Im not sure whose turn it is to tie who up!!!!

[Little red riding hood]

minister died and to his chagrin found himself at the gates of Hell. The Devil greeted him, checked in his book and announced, "Yes, there is a place for you here," and walked with the minister to his assigned place in hell. On the way, they passed a palatial suite, where the minister saw a crooked lawyer he had known, and the crooked lawyer was making love to a beautiful woman.
The minister was troubled, but walked on with the devil. The devil ushered him into a tiny, cramped rocky cell. It was too much for the minister. "I admit I sinned when I was alive, but why am I sent to this cell for eternity when that crooked lawyer gets to spend eternity making love to a beautiful woman?"
"Who are you," said Satan, "to quarrel with that woman's punishment?"

[Little red riding hood]

STATE OF ALASKA ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
**** 1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Alaska state hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash," "ambulance," or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, *****houses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

[Fish along]

You only need two things in life-- WD 40 and duct tape .if it doesn't move and should, use WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does use the duct tape .

If you have a bad cough,take a large dose of laxatives- you'll be afraid to cough.

To avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat- use the sink.

[silver]

Those who would say that money can't buy happiness have never paid for a divorce.

[Little red riding hood]

A guy strips naked and wraps himself in saran wrap, then walks to the psychiatrists office, the shrink takes one look,
And says, "well, I can clearly see yer nuts!"

[Red Bullets]

A chinese couple were passionately making out and the man whispered to his wife, " Honey, I want 69."

She looked perplexed and asked," Why you want beef and greens now?"

[Red Bullets]

An oldie...

A man was wandering around lost in the desert for weeks and finally came upon a small town. He went into the tavern and sat down next to an old cowboy. After sitting there for 10 minutes he asked the old cowboy... "I haven't eaten anything for a week and noticed you aren't eating the bowl of chili next to you. Do you mind if I eat it?"

The old cowboy pipes up and says,"go right ahead" as he slides the bowl over.
The famished man starts wolfing down the chili and half way through he notices a dead mouse in the bowl. Instantly, he throws up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowpoke chuckles and replies," Ya. That's about as far as I got too!"

[10aciousB]

A man and his grizzly bear are enjoying a nice round of golf one day, when the course marshal rolls up on them.

"Sir, is that a....grizzly bear!?" he asks

"Why yes, this is my pet, Grizz"

"Sir, y-you can't bring your grizzly bear onto the golf course!!"

"He plays though, and he's actually pretty good!"

"Bollocks" the marshal replies.

"No, really, he is!!"

"Okay, I want to see him tee off. If I'm impressed, he can stay."

The Grizz lines up, waggles his club a little, winds up, and smashes the ball. Pipes it, 550yds, bounces twice, and stops 6" from the cup. The marshal is astonished.

The marshal shakes the man's hand "I've seen enough!! Your bear is welcome here anytime!!" He gets back in his cart and drives off.

An onlooker approaches the man and says "That was incredible!!! If you don't mind, what's his short game like?"

"Oh about the same...500...550yds"

[Red Bullets]

How does a crazy person travel through the woods?
They take the psychopath.

~~~

What's meaner than a pit bull with herpes?
The guy who gave it to him.