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01-18-2020, 08:52 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ft. McMurray and Kingston
Posts: 1,762
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My Mom, to my bro one day (he was having , how shall I put it? 'issues' with the ladies):
"Just be sure that when you sit down you don't squash your brain."
Dad and I had to leave the room after that one
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01-18-2020, 08:53 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 232
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dad - do as I say not as I do !
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01-18-2020, 09:25 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Calgary, AB
Posts: 2,122
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Sometimes it wasn't what was said but the sound of the belt leaving the ol' mans belt loops.
Not abuse but simple discipline or quick adjustment to re-focus to his line of thinking....
__________________
Life is like baseball; it is the number of times you reach home safely, that counts.
We have two lives: The life we learn with and the life we live with after that.
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01-18-2020, 09:30 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 1,958
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I wouldn’t pizz in his ear if his brain was on fire.
My heart pumps purple pizz for him
You have to be a goddamn Philadelphia lawyer to understand this (usually when he was reading the instructions on how to build something for my mom)
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01-18-2020, 09:46 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 2,919
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" your like a turd on the waves"
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01-18-2020, 09:50 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Deadmonton
Posts: 1,342
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"Are you sure you're lying?"
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01-18-2020, 10:13 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Calgary-Red Deer area
Posts: 3,205
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Ex gfs dad in my late teens.
"Are you smoking the wacky tobacky?"
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I'm not really a licensed bodyman or heavy duty mechanic. I just play one at work.
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01-18-2020, 10:16 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Location: Morinville
Posts: 79
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I told a friend of mine the other day that if I could go back in time 25 years to when I was 18 I would tell my 18 year old self that everything my father told me - he was right.
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There are a finite number of Autumns in a hunters life and none should be squandered.
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01-18-2020, 10:18 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 8,491
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A older guy at work in the mid-1970's giving us younger guys advice on women after one of the young guys got a girl pregnant.
You guys need much older women
They don’t swell, They don’t tell, They are as grateful as hell.
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You're only as good as your last haircut
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01-18-2020, 10:25 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Calgary-Red Deer area
Posts: 3,205
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^^^ great advice
__________________
I'm not really a licensed bodyman or heavy duty mechanic. I just play one at work.
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01-18-2020, 12:01 PM
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Calgary
Posts: 1,747
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My father Vehemently denies it to this day, but when we were kids, he used to pretend he was farting every time he pulled off a strip of duct tape.
Grandma used to say to us as a warning against misadventure - I'll have your head!
My uncle was using the expression, "Stupid is as stupid does", years before Forest Gump came out. He used it any time someone - including himself - did something goofy.
Colin
__________________
Check out my new book on Kindle - After The Flesh.
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01-18-2020, 12:06 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: NW Alberta ....
Posts: 658
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My dad -
I'm drier than a popcorn fart in a dust storm.
If Gunpowder was brains theres not enough there to blow his nose.
__________________
Who is John Galt?
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01-18-2020, 12:16 PM
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 15,773
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Where there’s no sense there’s no feeling.
You make a better door than a window.
__________________
“I love it when clients bring Berger bullets. It means I get to kill the bear.”
-Billy Molls
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01-18-2020, 01:16 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 8,269
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Reading all of these is causing me to miss mom and dad more than I already do.
Great thread Ken
BW
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01-18-2020, 01:19 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: southeast alberta
Posts: 1,176
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My Great Uncle would say to me
"You Scallywag"
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01-18-2020, 01:34 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 285
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If it ain't broke, don't fix it........
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01-18-2020, 01:35 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 285
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If you were any lazier, you'd suffocate.
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01-18-2020, 02:18 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,315
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"Fancier footwork than a centipede on a hotplate."
From my ol' man when his favorite football player, Leo Lewis,
got a towchdown after 'bulling' his way through a shmozzle.
I know I'm 'dating' myself, but who really cares......?
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01-18-2020, 02:40 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Spruce Grove, AB
Posts: 3,039
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You can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig.
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01-18-2020, 03:06 PM
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Dreadful Valley
Posts: 14,586
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Oh man this brings back a few zingers my dad thru out.
Picture being in your mid teens, having a serious go around with a stomach bug, hurling your guts every 20 mins, praying to the porcelain alter, it’s oh dark 30, and you’ve just about turned yourself inside out chucking straight bile, when you spy something out of the corner of your eye. It’s the Oldman, he’s standing in the door way to the bathroom, with the most interesting look on his face. I utter something, and he says
”here’s a bit of advice for you...... if you feel something hairy in the back of your throat, swallow quick, cuz it’s probably your arse hole”
Who saw that one coming.
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There are no absolutes
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01-18-2020, 03:48 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Alberta
Posts: 24,072
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See if anyone recognizes this one, Dad's line
one, two, and a hooey!
__________________
Only dead fish go with the flow. The rest use their brains in life.
Originally Posted by Twisted Canuck
I wasn't thinking far enough ahead for an outcome, I was ranting. By definition, a rant doesn't imply much forethought.....
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01-18-2020, 04:39 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 232
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He couldn't drive a stake up a dead pigs ass if I started it.
Darker than the inside of a cow.
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01-18-2020, 05:06 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,006
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If brains were gasoline you wouldn't have enough to power a mosquitoes moped around the inside of a cheerio...
I am going to kick your butt so high we will have to shoot food up to you to keep you from starving to death.
Dumber than a bag of rocks..
Lower than a well diggers heel
Lower than a snakes belly in a wagon rut.
I have heard of these over the years from other people. My dad only had to look at me to make me aware that things were not quite right.
__________________
The problem with following the masses is that the M is silent...
In order to be a smart azz, you have to be smart otherwise you are just an azz.
You're offended.... I think it is funny and that is why I am happier than you.
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01-18-2020, 06:22 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,627
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My Dad regarding dating... "You always try the shoes before you buy them". And "If you aren't in bed by 11 you might as well come home."
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___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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01-18-2020, 06:31 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 1,309
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When I was young I used to hear
Kids should be seen and not heard
Young fellows are always coming up with something new that doesn't work
Thats the way it is and that's the way its always going to be
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01-18-2020, 06:41 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 8,491
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I remember my Dad reluctantly sending postcards to friends and family from our summer road trips to BC from Winnipeg in the mid-late 60's. Mom would badger him to take us kids to a gift shop or motel front desk to get postcards so she could get us 3 kids out of her hair for a bit..
He always signed them the same.
"Scenery is here, wish you were beautiful."
Was years later before Mom found out and relieved him of that duty
__________________
You're only as good as your last haircut
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01-18-2020, 06:53 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Edmonton SW
Posts: 1,565
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I buy you books and buy you books and all you do is rip out the pages and eat them.
Weather is here, wish you were hot.
Colder than a witches knee.
You have champagne tastes on a beer budget.
__________________
Last edited by Austin; 01-18-2020 at 07:00 PM.
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01-18-2020, 06:56 PM
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Moderator
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Stony Plain
Posts: 6,569
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My mom used to be fond of . "He's so cheap he'd squeeze a nickle till the Queen screams"
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01-18-2020, 10:14 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 567
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You're trying to make a silk purse out of a pigs ear
play stupid games, get stupid prizes
useless as t*ts on a boar
__________________
"This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future!" 1935-Adolf Hitler
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01-19-2020, 01:44 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 4,090
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Dad underneath his car working on the engine and couldnt get a wrench in place...
"this is like trying to *$&% a bag of deer horns!!"
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