Joke time

[norwestalta]

This old cowboy from Bodo goes to the doc because his trouser snake is orange. The doc asks him what he does in his free time. The cowboy replies"I sit on the couch eating cheezies and watching porn movies".

[Red Bullets]

A scientist looks at a single black sheep in Scotland....
The scientist would say... well according to the evidence I believe that all sheep in Scotland are black..... Then go look at 10 other sheep that are white and say that all sheep in Scotland are black except for a few anomolies where based on 11 sheep in a square mile this would then mean than 10 out of 6 million black sheep in Scotland are white. then the scientist goes to get a Govt. grant based on the use of black wool vs. white wool and the potential economic benefits plus the environmental benefits of not having to dye wool black for black wool garments...So they get 2 million to conduct a study, they spend 2.8 million on specialised equipment and another 500,000 on salary for their staff to study the black sheep and then reapply for an extension because of cost overuns.... and this stretches for years with people debating the subject of black sheep and no evidence is ever produced...

Meanwhile the shepherd looks at all the touble caused when an educated person can't tell the difference between his sheep and his black border collie.

[fargoni]

from the 2014 news:

The U.S. and EU say the Crimean vote violates Ukraine's constitution and international law.

1775 news:

EU and Russian tzar say the US Declaration of independence violates British Empire and international law

[Stinky Buffalo]

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware issue.

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Get the software guys to code around the issue.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one; but the light bulb has to want to change.

[Redfrog]

God Said, "Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me."

Adam
Said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?"

God
Said, "Go down
Into that
Valley."


Adam said, "What's
A valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said,
"Cross the
River."

Adam said, "What's a
River?"

God explained that

To him, and then said,
"Go over to the
Hill....."

Adam said,
"What is a
Hill?"

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On
The
Other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave."

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,

He
Said, "In the cave
You will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a
Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you
To
Reproduce."

Adam said, "How do
I do
That?"

Just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as
Well.

So, Adam goes down
Into
The valley,
Across the river, and
Over the hill,
Into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.
Then, in
About five minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, "What is
It
Now?"

And Adam said....
*
*
"What's a
Headache?"

[Unregistered user]

I was in a pub in Northern Manitoba last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed me tight and said, "Give me your number, handsome."


I replied, "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said, "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

[3blade]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.


Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

[Unregistered user]

Alzheimer's Test.


How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM





----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer’s.

[norwestalta]

Originally Posted by Unregistered user

Alzheimer's Test.


How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM





----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer’s.

l

Yep lol

[bison]

A guy drives around the county on a Saturday night looking for something to do when he sees a sign "barn dance tonight"
So turns into the yard and walks in the barn.
The dance is in full swing and he sees only one rather pretty girl still sitting at a table so he walks over and asks her for a dance. The girl said sorry bud, i have 2 wooden legs and can't dance.
The guy feels sorry for her , orders 2 beer and decides to sit down and keep her company. She turned out to be rather nice company and they got on well.
At closing time far past midnight he asks her were she lives and if he could take her home.
The girl says i live just down the road a bit and i would love to if you walk me home.
They started to walk but just 10 min in it starts raining but there's an old barn just of the road and they decide to take shelter there.
As you guesed,.. they got romantic.

A short while later a small group of people pass by and one of the guys says,.hey you guys ,..i have to take a crap and that barn looks a perfect spot for it,..i won't be long.
So he goes into the barn and squats down in a corner to do his deed.
Then he hears some noise in the back of the barn and tries to see in the darkness what is making that,...then his eyes grow wide!..he finishes quikly,hoist up his pants and runs out the door to his friends who had kept walking.
Nearly out of breath when he catches up he stutters.....Gu gu guys.. y you.. w. wont .. bbbe believe what i ..jjjust seen in ttthat bbarn,..thhere is a a gu gu guy bback there,,, screwing a... wwheelbarrow!!!

[colin455]

It's a funny old world we live in. Once we had empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings. Now we have countries...

[Davey Boy]

[tri777]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

[fargoni]

"Vegetarian" is an old Native American word. Means "sh**ty hunter"

[Unregistered user]

Husband’s Message (by cellphone):

Honey, a car has hit me near the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.

They have been making tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.




Wife’s Response:

Who the hell is Paula?

[rwm1273]

10151160_10152140335957730_8444621160014289261_n.jpg

[B00MER]

I texted my wife last night, "I'm just going to have one more beer with the guys. If I'm not home then, re-read the message."

[Davey Boy]

[fishtank]

Originally Posted by Davey Boy

lol

[Unregistered user]

LAWS ARE NOW IN CONFORMANCE WITH THE BIBLE

MARIJUANA MARRIAGE

Washington State just passed two laws
1. legalized gay marriage
2. legalized marijuana

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense, because Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

It appears that we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before now.

[bison]

The sweetness of A Texas Grandma.

One day, a very gentle, little old Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin, Texas.

As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump. ("fixin" in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action)

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, young man! Think of your dear Mama and Daddy."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids. I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, then you need to just Remember The Alamo."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''

She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart, Son! You just go right-on-ahead and jump then, you little Yankee Democrat Bastard...... You’re holding up traffic!”

[Red Bullets]

On the sixth day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and
said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty.
It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles,
beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk
and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandybeaches with an abundance of sea life,
and rivers stocked with salmon.
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being
too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God.

"Just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!"

[SD1797]

Originally Posted by great white whaler

There was this man who was feeling sick 'not up to snuf ,,,so of to the doctor he go's get some blood work done ,,,,,two days later he gets the results back ,he's been diagnosed with AIDS,,stunted by the diagnoses he could not understand why ,,,,he had lived a clean life' never drank or smoked when to church,,,,,asking the doctor why me,,doctor replied your father he was a carrier.

??

[Red Bullets]

.

[Unregistered user]

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven, St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer ... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed.

St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"Oh, Come On!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

[bison]

Subject: A Tree Hugger's Story



A woman from Vancouver who was a tree hugging NDP'er an anti-hunter anti pipeline environmentalist purchased a piece of timberland near Squamish , BC . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch






In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist an NDP'er and an anti-industry person and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environment Canada, the Parks Service, and the BC Department of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility

And I'm sorry, but due to the Provincial Medical cut backs they turned you down.



Try Dr. Suzuki ...

[Red Bullets]

.

[Davey Boy]

GUTS AND BALLS

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?



In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:



GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'



BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'



I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.



Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome.



Both result in death.

[rwm1273]

PUN-ishment -- I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had Type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[Unregistered user]

"You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.

But, she asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. The girl was alarmed.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?
He replied, “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."