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Old 02-28-2015, 08:22 AM
Twisted Canuck's Avatar
Twisted Canuck Twisted Canuck is offline
 
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Location: GP AB
Posts: 16,252
Default Joke for today...

A man who just died is delivered to a mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is
already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician
a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my
husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did
an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, he presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if
she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said
it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

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'You can accomplish a lot more with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone.' Al Capone
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  #2  
Old 02-28-2015, 08:29 AM
Twisted Canuck's Avatar
Twisted Canuck Twisted Canuck is offline
 
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Location: GP AB
Posts: 16,252
Default

...and one more.

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention
and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the
man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs,
etc.......

The man returned the next day and decided he try something different. He took a seat and again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

Again it was superb The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started
discussing MMA fighting, the latest hockey scores, and what to
expect the Blue Jays to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. The next day he returned and took
a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out " Uh..... 'bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked ,

"A-r-e......... y-o-u-r......... p-e-o-p-l-e..........
g-o-i-n-g...........t-o........ v-o-t-e.....f-o-r......T-r-u-d-e-a-u....o-r.....M-u-l-c-h-a-I-r.......
__________________
'Once the monkeys learn they can vote themselves a banana, they'll never climb another tree.'. Robert Heinlein

'You can accomplish a lot more with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone.' Al Capone
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  #3  
Old 03-01-2015, 06:35 AM
edmhunter edmhunter is offline
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Posts: 3,872
Default

Pretty funny!

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=...411FA766E8918D
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  #4  
Old 03-01-2015, 11:41 AM
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Redfrog Redfrog is offline
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Between Bodo and a hard place
Posts: 20,168
Default

TOOLS AND HOW TO USE THEM

*SKILL SAW* :
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

*BELT SANDER* :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

*WIRE WHEEL* :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****'.

*DRILL PRESS* :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

*Channel Locks* :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

*HACKSAW* :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

*VISE-GRIPS* :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

*OXYACETYLENE TORCH* :
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

*TABLE SAW* :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal !!

*HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK* :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

*BAND SAW* :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

*TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST* :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER* :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

*STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER* :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

*PRY BAR* :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

*PVC PIPE CUTTER* :
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

*HAMMER* :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

*UTILITY KNIFE* :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

*And lastly ……..*

*SON OF A BITCH TOOL* :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need
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