Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in. - Page 20

Coiloil37 · #**571** 01-22-2019, 01:43 AM

What’s the difference between fish and meat?

If you beat your fish it dies.

Greatwest · #**572** 01-22-2019, 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

When I was young I had the discussion with my parents about where I came from. My Dad explained that we all came from Adam and Eve. He said Adam and Eve had kids and those kids had kids and those kids had kids and eventually we came to be.

I asked my Dad, " Then why does Mom say we evolved from apes?"

Dad replied, " Oh, that's your mom's side of the family."

Looks like you were watching America’s Got Talent last night. Those stand up comedian guys were pretty good but pretty hard to compete with some of those other amazing acts.

Gerry · #**573** 01-22-2019, 07:59 AM

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "screw you".
The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

Gerry · #**574** 01-22-2019, 08:03 AM

So anyway this hillbilly took his girl up to lovers peak. They sat down on a log.
After a bit Judi says to Jon, "Aren't the stars purty tonight?"
Jon says "Sure is Judi".
Judi says "Jon, aren't the moon purty tonight".
Jon says "Sure is Judi".
After a bit Judi says, "Jon, whisper something soft and mushy in my
ear".
So Jon leans over and whispers "'oatmeal'".

Gerry · #**575** 01-22-2019, 08:07 AM

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshat.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Gerry · #**576** 01-22-2019, 08:27 AM

A new teacher was trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Anyone who thinks he or she is stupid, stand up."
Not a student moved, the class is silent.
A minute went by, and little Johnny finally stood up.
The teacher asked, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am," he said, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.

Gerry · #**577** 01-22-2019, 08:35 AM

Little Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way.
Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why're you wearin' your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children." Johnny says, "You should wear your flippin' trousers backwards."

Gerry · #**578** 01-22-2019, 08:42 AM

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.

RandyBoBandy · #**579** 01-22-2019, 11:00 AM

wife to husband : I have blisters on my hands from the broom

husband replies : next time take the car , Silly

It was a lovely service with a closed casket

Red Bullets · #**580** 01-22-2019, 05:29 PM

I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says, "No I don't. And why the heck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little sh*t!"

~~~~~~

And he said to his wife," What would a woman know anyways? She's not even a man!" The funeral will be on Friday.

Okotok · #**581** 01-24-2019, 11:00 AM

I thought it was funny. Cruel but funny.

Gerry · #**582** 01-24-2019, 02:21 PM

So this lady is giving a party for her grand daughter, and has gone all out.....caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out
back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time, but the clown has not shown up. Finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Gerry · #**583** 01-24-2019, 02:23 PM

A priest was walking down the street when he came across a ten year old sitting on the corner. The boy had a little bottle which he was shaking and holding up to the sunlight. The priest asked; Johnny what do you have in that bottle? Johnny shook the bottle and held it up to the sunlight and
said, Father this here is turpentine the most powerful liquid in all the world.
The priest looked at Johnny and said: Oh no Johnny the most powerful liquid in all the world is holy water. You can take a few drops of holy water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly and she will pass a baby boy.
Johnny thought for a moment and said:crap father that's nothing you can take a few drops of this here turpentine and rub it on a cats ass and he will pass a motorcycle!!

Gerry · #**584** 01-24-2019, 02:38 PM

Joe traveled to Spain and wandered into a Madrid restaurant one night for a late dinner.
He ordered the house specialty and was brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" Joe asked.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.
"But, what are cojones?" Joe asked.
"Cojones," the waiter explained, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first Joe was disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decided to try this local delicacy. To Joe's amazement, it was quite delicious. In fact, it was so good, Joe decided to return the
next night and order it again.
This time, the waiter brought out the plate, but the meaty objects were much smaller.
"What's this?" Joe asked the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.
"No, no," Joe objected, "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explained, "the bull does not always lose."

Gerry · #**585** 01-24-2019, 02:40 PM

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager asked him how he survived.
"Never better." John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Gerry · #**586** 01-24-2019, 02:47 PM

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the azzhole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the azzhole became mad and closed up.
After a few days...
The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the azzhole boss.
This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss...

Weedy1 · #**587** 01-24-2019, 06:20 PM

So I was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."

"Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"

"That's not how you spell manatee."

243plus · #**588** 01-24-2019, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Weedy1

So I was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."

"Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"

"That's not how you spell manatee."

That's a gud 'un!

sns2 · #**589** 01-24-2019, 09:16 PM

...

Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk

Okotok · #**590** 01-25-2019, 09:28 AM

Teacher asks the class "If there are three crows sitting on a fence and you shoot one, how many crows would be left?" Little Johnny throws up his hand. "There wouldn't be any because when you shot the first one, the other ones would fly away". The teacher says "actually the correct answer is two but I like the way you're thinking".

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you! There are three women sitting in an ice cream parlour. One is licking her cone, one is biting her cone and the other one is sucking her cone. Which one is married?". The teacher stammers a bit and then tentatively says "the one sucking her cone?". Little Johnny says "No, it's the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking".

Red Bullets · #**591** 01-25-2019, 07:21 PM

Fish along · #**592** 01-26-2019, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

Picassos taxidermy ,I love it.

Okotok · #**593** 01-27-2019, 01:21 PM

A few asshats.

bat119 · #**594** 01-27-2019, 02:12 PM

bat119 · #**595** 01-28-2019, 10:32 AM

Red Bullets · #**596** 02-03-2019, 12:34 PM

Red Bullets · #**597** 02-03-2019, 12:54 PM

Perfect for the beer drinking concert goer.

frusig · #**598** 02-08-2019, 08:09 AM

Two dragons walk into a pub.
One said: "It's hot in here."
The other one said:"Shut your mouth."

Gerry · #**599** 02-08-2019, 09:30 AM

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

"DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK
WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!"

Gerry · #**600** 02-08-2019, 09:32 AM

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself. "Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured
that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly, too!"