Go Back   Alberta Outdoorsmen Forum > Main Category > General Discussion

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #181  
Old 02-15-2018, 12:22 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

Dentist: I have to pull the tooth. Do you want novocaine or gas?
Patient: Neither. Just pull the damn tooth.
D: I can't do that. The pain will be too great.
P: Pull the damn tooth. Twice in my life I felt such severe pain that now nothing bothers me.
The dentist pulled the tooth and the man never flinched.
D: I know that had to hurt. Tell me about the pain you experienced that makes you impervious to pain.
P: The first time I was in the mountains hunting and I got sharp stomach cramps. So I dropped my drawers and squatted down. What I didn't know was that I was over a bear trap. The trap sprung and caught my testicles.
D: Wow! That hurts me just to think about it. When was the second time?
P: When I ran out of chain.
Reply With Quote
  #182  
Old 02-15-2018, 12:22 PM
ghostguy6's Avatar
ghostguy6 ghostguy6 is offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: edmonton
Posts: 3,116
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerry View Post
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:
The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The hands said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The stomach said: "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The legs said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
Then the rectum said: "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said: "YOU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't do anything!
You're not as important as we surely are! You can't be in charge."
So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.
They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be the most important to be in charge.
And that right there is the most perfect metaphor for our political system!
__________________
" Everything in life that I enjoy is either illegal, immoral, fattening or causes cancer!"

"The problem was this little thing called the government and laws."
Reply With Quote
  #183  
Old 02-15-2018, 12:23 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"
The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half way through. It's very frustrating."
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply
fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."
The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that." The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."
The first guy says, "So what happened?"
The other guy says, "She bit my dick, farted in my face, and some guy came out of the closet with his hands up!"
Reply With Quote
  #184  
Old 02-15-2018, 12:27 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your
NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
Reply With Quote
  #185  
Old 02-15-2018, 12:35 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

A rich old miser lay on his death bed. Knowing his passing was inevitable, he summoned his three closest confidants: his doctor, his priest, and his attorney.
He told them, "I know I'm about to die, and I know they say 'You can't take it with you,' but, by God, I'm going to try. I have cashed in all of my fortune and had it stuffed into these three large money bags. Each of you shall take one bag. At my funeral, I've left instructions with the cemetery people to stop lowering my casket when it's half way into the grave. They will open the top of the casket, and each of you shall throw in the bags of money. The casket will close, and I'll be buried with my entire fortune.
Even if I can't spend it, I will have at least taken it with me!"
The three men consented to this arrangement and signed contracts to that effect.
Soon, the old man did pass away, and at his funeral, just as he said, the coffin was opened half way into the grave. The doctor, priest, and lawyer each tossed in their bags. The coffin closed, was lowered the rest of the way, and was buried.
Some weeks later the three men had occasion to meet each other again at a social event. The priest spoke first. "Gentlemen," he said, "I've not had a decent night's sleep since our old friend died. I have a terrible confession. I didn't throw in all of the money...I kept some for myself. But
I felt so awful about it, I gave it all to charity last week. I hope, now that I have confessed this to you, that God will forgive me and I may be able to sleep again." The doctor then confessed to keeping some of the money. He said, "I cannot sleep either. I, too, have donated what I kept to help indigent people with serious illness, but I'm so glad we had the chance to talk. Now, maybe I, too, can have some peace. "The doctor and the priest looked toward the attorney who said, "Don't look at me! I threw in a check for the entire amount!"
Reply With Quote
  #186  
Old 02-15-2018, 12:40 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

An old man and old woman met after both became residents at a retirement home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each others company.
After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually anymore, but if I pulled out my penis, would
you hold it?"
The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would.
Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the man's penis.
One day the man didn't show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his penis in the other woman’s hand.
This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man, "We have been together for 2 months now, I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't?"
"Parkinson’s!", replied the old man with a smile.
Reply With Quote
  #187  
Old 02-15-2018, 12:42 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

Is anybody getting tired of my jokes yet??
If so, I'll stop.
Thanks guys
Gerry
Reply With Quote
  #188  
Old 02-15-2018, 01:00 PM
tacomama's Avatar
tacomama tacomama is offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 605
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerry View Post
Is anybody getting tired of my jokes yet??
If so, I'll stop.
Thanks guys
Gerry
Not at all! Keep them coming, thanks Gerry!
Reply With Quote
  #189  
Old 02-15-2018, 01:29 PM
BloodHound70's Avatar
BloodHound70 BloodHound70 is offline
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 817
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerry View Post
Is anybody getting tired of my jokes yet??
If so, I'll stop.
Thanks guys
Gerry
Your on a roll.....keep it going!!!
Loved the peter peter one......Classic!!
__________________
Bad decisions make good stories.

Reply With Quote
  #190  
Old 02-15-2018, 02:27 PM
Little red riding hood's Avatar
Little red riding hood Little red riding hood is offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: 00
Posts: 507
Default

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them.
Reply With Quote
  #191  
Old 02-15-2018, 02:29 PM
Little red riding hood's Avatar
Little red riding hood Little red riding hood is offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: 00
Posts: 507
Default

lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Reply With Quote
  #192  
Old 02-15-2018, 02:41 PM
Little red riding hood's Avatar
Little red riding hood Little red riding hood is offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: 00
Posts: 507
Default

A blonde goes to a shoe store one day and sees a beautiful pair of alligator shoes, she absolutely loves them! But they're $400. After hagling for a while, the clerk finally says no! The price is $400, the best I can do is $350, if that's not good enough then you don't get the shoes. So the blonde gets all huffy and says "well then I'll just get my own alligator shoes!" The clerk say go ahead, help yourself! So 5:00 the clerk leaves the store, and as he's crossing the bridge to get home he sees the same blonde standing waste deep in the river and there's a large alligator swimming directly toward her! He stops his car and jumps out to warn her, when suddenly the blonde pulls a shotgun up from under the water and shoots the gator, she then grabs it by the tail and drags it onto the bank, where there are several other gators laying belly up to the sun, she rolls the new gator over, puts her hands on her hips and yells DAMMIT!!! this one is barefoot too!
Reply With Quote
  #193  
Old 02-15-2018, 02:50 PM
Fish along's Avatar
Fish along Fish along is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Camrose county
Posts: 3,489
Default

All great jokes guys ,and very much appreciated, and like I said before what's life without a little humor.
__________________
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
Reply With Quote
  #194  
Old 02-15-2018, 03:28 PM
tacomama's Avatar
tacomama tacomama is offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 605
Default

Reply With Quote
  #195  
Old 02-15-2018, 03:30 PM
tacomama's Avatar
tacomama tacomama is offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 605
Default

Reply With Quote
  #196  
Old 02-15-2018, 10:46 PM
Little red riding hood's Avatar
Little red riding hood Little red riding hood is offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: 00
Posts: 507
Default

Q. How do you get a sparkle in a blondes eye?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. Golden retriever.

Q. What do you get if you cross a corrupt politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. Chelsea Clinton.
Reply With Quote
  #197  
Old 02-16-2018, 10:47 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabby said
"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Reply With Quote
  #198  
Old 02-16-2018, 10:49 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week!"
The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"
"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"
Reply With Quote
  #199  
Old 02-16-2018, 10:50 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in UNT?"
Only one word leapt to mind ...My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
" But Of course!" said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Reply With Quote
  #200  
Old 02-16-2018, 10:52 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.
The student replies, "Ghost?!?" "Dang it, I thought you said 'goats'.
Reply With Quote
  #201  
Old 02-16-2018, 10:54 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it.
She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to take a leak."

Last edited by Gerry; 02-16-2018 at 10:59 AM. Reason: word change
Reply With Quote
  #202  
Old 02-16-2018, 10:58 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old
man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Reply With Quote
  #203  
Old 02-16-2018, 11:01 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're a***holes!"
Reply With Quote
  #204  
Old 02-16-2018, 11:03 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

A man was out searching for a new pet. He came to a small pet shop and asked the owner if he could recommend a good pet for him. The owner suggested a puppy, a kitten, even a ferret. But the man was not interested, he was looking for something special, something unique. The owner said to the man, "Follow me into the back of the shop. I think I've got exactly what you are
looking for." So the man follow the owner until they came to a large perch, where sat a funny-looking parrot. The shop owner said, "This is Chet. He is a very special pet indeed. He can even do tricks, watch this."
The owner proceeded to take a lighter out of his pocket, lit it, and held it under Chet's left wing. Chet began to sing 'Jingle Bells'. And then the owner held the lighted bic under Chet's right wing and Chet began to sing 'Silent Night'. Well, the man was very impressed and bought Chet on the
spot.
That night he decided to test Chet's talents once more. He lit a match under Chet's left wing and he began to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way....." and then he lit a match under Chet's right wing and he began to sing "Silent night, holy night...." Then, to satisfy his own curiosity, he held the match between Chet's legs and he began to sing "Chet's nuts roasting
on an open fire....."
Reply With Quote
  #205  
Old 02-16-2018, 11:10 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.(Or an "OLD Burro" for that matter!)

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

My grandmother's 90; she's dating a man 93. They never argue: they cant hear each other.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.

Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.

Despite the cost of living, it's still quite popular.

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.

If you're old enough to know better, you're too old to do it.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through the senate.

Time wounds all heels.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

I'm getting just like my great-grandchildren -- wearing diapers and using a walker.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.

My uncle reads the obits every day. He can't understand how people always die in alphabetical order.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money
Reply With Quote
  #206  
Old 02-16-2018, 01:10 PM
elkhunter11 elkhunter11 is offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Camrose
Posts: 44,842
Default

Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot told them the plane could take only two moose.

The two hunters objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.

Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”

He replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
__________________
Only accurate guns are interesting.
Reply With Quote
  #207  
Old 02-16-2018, 03:26 PM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,315
Default

A philosophy professor was standing on the podium in front of his class in the lecture hall.
He took his chair and put it on the floor in front of the podium, pointed to it and said, "Now prove to me that this chair exists!"

A voice from the back yelled, "What chair?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A biology professor was giving his lecture about human biology.
He stated that human semen was made up mostly of sugars.

A young blonde student stood up and asked, "If semen is mostly sugars, why does it taste salty?"

Last edited by stuckincity; 02-16-2018 at 03:33 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #208  
Old 02-16-2018, 09:00 PM
Fish along's Avatar
Fish along Fish along is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Camrose county
Posts: 3,489
Default

It's unbelievable that you guys know so many jokes,please tell another few ,it's an interesting and funny thread and as before thank you for sharing.
__________________
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
Reply With Quote
  #209  
Old 02-16-2018, 09:04 PM
Fish along's Avatar
Fish along Fish along is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Camrose county
Posts: 3,489
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tacomama View Post
This would make a great poster
__________________
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
Reply With Quote
  #210  
Old 02-16-2018, 09:13 PM
urban rednek's Avatar
urban rednek urban rednek is offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3,377
Default Dilbert

Subtle.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg rational.jpg (41.7 KB, 167 views)
__________________
“One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce, and canonized those who complain.” - Thomas Sowell

“We seem to be getting closer and closer to a situation where nobody is responsible for what they did but we are all responsible for what somebody else did.”- Thomas Sowell
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:06 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.