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Old 07-28-2017, 09:43 PM
Bushmaster Bushmaster is online now
 
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Talking Scottish joke.....

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'



To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back.
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Old 07-28-2017, 10:17 PM
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Whats the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones sang "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."

A Scotsman says "Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe."
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Old 07-28-2017, 10:27 PM
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A Scotsman and an Englishman are neighbors in adjoining townhomes, they're both taking a break on their front steps. Curiously they've both been doing the same chore: stripping out wallpaper.

What's the difference?

The Englishman is renovating and the Scotsman is moving.
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Old 07-29-2017, 05:27 AM
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Caber, that one would be funny, almost, but did you know that the Dutch rip out the flooring when they move - no B.S.

Most long term leases and sales of homes in Amsterdam, where my Daughter has lived, are without flooring.
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Old 07-29-2017, 07:10 AM
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Originally Posted by saskbooknut View Post
Caber, that one would be funny, almost, but did you know that the Dutch rip out the flooring when they move - no B.S.

Most long term leases and sales of homes in Amsterdam, where my Daughter has lived, are without flooring.
That is correct. We see some of those trends moving here, there are now a lot of flooring options that are loose lay (glueless) for that exact reason, so they can easily be taken along to the next house. (I will never looselay, the extreme temperature / humidity changes are a recipe for disaster with that method)
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Old 07-29-2017, 07:30 AM
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Originally Posted by saskbooknut View Post
Caber, that one would be funny, almost, but did you know that the Dutch rip out the flooring when they move - no B.S.

Most long term leases and sales of homes in Amsterdam, where my Daughter has lived, are without flooring.
Think that's European. In Germany they take the kitchen cabinets as well.

Grizz
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Old 07-29-2017, 09:51 AM
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Who invented copper wire?
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Old 07-29-2017, 10:06 AM
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At an art auction in Edinburgh, Scotland, a wealthy American lost his wallet containing £20,000 [$45,000].* He announced to the gathering that that he would give a reward of £200 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give £250.'
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Old 07-29-2017, 10:25 AM
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At a U2 concert in Glasglow Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet... "Well, ****ing stop doing it , Ya evil bastard!"
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Old 07-29-2017, 11:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by walking buffalo View Post
Who invented copper wire?
Two Dutchmen fighting over a penny.
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Old 07-29-2017, 01:08 PM
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Two Dutchmen fighting over a penny.
Are you German? Always picking on the Dutch....

This is a "Scottish" joke thread.
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Old 07-29-2017, 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted by walking buffalo View Post
Are you German? Always picking on the Dutch....

This is a "Scottish" joke thread.
My dad is Dutch and my mother is Scottish, so I need to spread the blame for being tight.
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Old 07-29-2017, 05:01 PM
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My dad is Dutch and my mother is Scottish, so I need to spread the blame for being tight.
Actually it was a Dutchman and a Scotsman fighting over a penny
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Old 07-29-2017, 05:59 PM
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Quote:
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Two Dutchmen fighting over a penny.
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Old 07-29-2017, 10:59 PM
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Some see the glass as half full, others see the glass as half empty. The Scotch see the glass and say......
" Are Your Gonna Drink That "
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Old 07-29-2017, 11:24 PM
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Is it PC to poke fun at Scots? I'm unsure if I'm feeling triggered or maybe its just an Innis & Gunn deficiency......
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Old 07-30-2017, 09:02 AM
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Some cultural backgrounds you can make a joke about, and they'll laugh with you.
Others not so much.
It seems to me that the cultures that can laugh at themselves generally get along better with everyone.
Or maybe I'm just a racist jerk. (Or a crazy Dutch bastard)
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Old 07-30-2017, 09:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaberTosser View Post
Is it PC to poke fun at Scots? I'm unsure if I'm feeling triggered or maybe its just an Innis & Gunn deficiency......
If you said Jewish, you'd be accused of being anti semetic, Moslem, Islamaphobe.

Grizz
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Old 07-30-2017, 09:44 AM
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Newfoundland is the only province that makes money selling Newfie joke books. I have some of them that I bought there. A Newfie in the Air Force once told me that, "1949 was the year that Newfoundland took over the rest of Canada without firing a shot."
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Old 07-30-2017, 09:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaberTosser View Post
Is it PC to poke fun at Scots? I'm unsure if I'm feeling triggered or maybe its just an Innis & Gunn deficiency......
Not sure. try a joke thread about Indians /Metis and see how far it flies.

There are some groups where a joke can get you killed, and we wonder why the world is a mess?

I've heard ethnic jokes my whole life and the best ones seem to come from the group being targeted. People take things too seriously sometimes.
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Old 07-30-2017, 10:17 AM
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One of my favourite Billy Connolly bits, obviously unscripted: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9BkwnGq2yaA
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Old 07-30-2017, 10:24 AM
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Looney tunes had a Scottish rub

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uWF210Vdx0
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Old 07-30-2017, 10:35 AM
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Originally Posted by bat119 View Post
Looney tunes had a Scottish rub

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uWF210Vdx0
I love how fast he ran to catch up to that bullet, I'm picturing a dog race track with the electric rabbit being replaced by a $50 bill and a line of kilted Scotsman in starting blocks
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Old 07-30-2017, 07:11 PM
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I love how fast he ran to catch up to that bullet, I'm picturing a dog race track with the electric rabbit being replaced by a $50 bill and a line of kilted Scotsman in starting blocks
Dude!! Why would you picture that??? Unless you were a sheep intent on revenge....



Welcome to Scotland. Sorry for all the ****e ye had to drive through ta get here
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Old 08-04-2017, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by CaberTosser View Post
One of my favourite Billy Connolly bits, obviously unscripted: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9BkwnGq2yaA
I think this is my favourite Billy Connolly one.

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...6990&FORM=VIRE
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Old 08-04-2017, 11:16 AM
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How does a Scotsman practice safe sex??

He paints a big black X on the sheep that kicks...
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Old 08-04-2017, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by jstubbs View Post
At a U2 concert in Glasglow Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet... "Well, ****ing stop doing it , Ya evil bastard!"
Wicked !!! Good one
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Old 08-04-2017, 12:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaberTosser View Post
Is it PC to poke fun at Scots? I'm unsure if I'm feeling triggered or maybe its just an Innis & Gunn deficiency......
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grizzly Adams View Post
If you said Jewish, you'd be accused of being anti semetic, Moslem, Islamaphobe.

Grizz

I'm half Jewish and half Scottish. This thread triggers me 100%
Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

*sits back sips scotch
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Old 08-04-2017, 12:54 PM
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I'm half Jewish and half Scottish. This thread triggers me 100%
Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

*sits back sips scotch
Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
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Old 08-04-2017, 01:03 PM
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Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Let's get back on topic.

A Scotsman on a horse.

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