Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

[tri777]

You too can learn Bidenese in 2 easy, simple mins..

https://twitter.com/realJoelFischer/...05305213120514

[RandyBoBandy]

Beware of Restaurant servers with a Spoon in their Pocket !!
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%!

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, I use the spoon.

[bat119]

^^^^^^

[stuckincity]

There's only 2 kinds of people in the world:

Those who agree with me, and those who are wrong.

[stuckincity]

More Famous Last Words:

“What a cute little bear cub! I’m gonna take it home!”

“Its real easy to catch a rattlesnake”.

“This will have lotsa penetrating power. I dumped out the gunpowder and replaced it with C4”.

“What duck?”

“Darn it, that didn’t wor……….”

“I packed my own parachute”.

“Those aren’t piranha.”

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

“Watch me break the world record”.

“I wanna see how fast this thing can go”.

"I think I've got it right now - put the grenade in your mouth, pull out the pin, and throw it. Or something like tha..............

[Au revoir, Gopher]

Originally Posted by stuckincity

There's only 2 kinds of people in the world:

Those who agree with me, and those who are wrong.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world:

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

ARG

[Who Da Fisherman]

Originally Posted by stuckincity

There's only 2 kinds of people in the world:

Those who agree with me, and those who are wrong.

This belongs in the Covid Thread lol
WDF

[RandyBoBandy]

Originally Posted by Who Da Fisherman

This belongs in the Covid Thread lol
WDF

X2

[Au revoir, Gopher]

Heard on the radio today:

Did you, know that in the last 15 years Jeff Bezos has spent more time in space than the Toronto Maple Leafs have spent in the second round?

ARG

[Stinky Buffalo]

Originally Posted by Au revoir, Gopher

There are 10 kinds of people in the world:

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

ARG

One of my faves!

[RandyBoBandy]

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob says, “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
The Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?” Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?” Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?” Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?” Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “Adult diapers?” Pharmacist: “Sure, how can I help you?
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

[stuckincity]

HR CODES
for a bad ex-employee who wants a reference.

All HR people, and supervisors, who do the hiring know these codes.

What they say (and what it means)

"A man like him is hard to find." (we haven't seen him in the last couple of days)

"We generally found him loaded with work to do." (he keeps a mickey in his back pocket)

"He didn't care about about the number of hours he had to put in."
(when he actually showed up)

"His contribution to the workplace was immediate and noticeable" (we noticed he wasn't contributing)

“I cannot recommend this man too highly." (I cannot recommend him at all)

“The impact this employee had on our operations was amazing.” (production went down a lot)

“I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.” (we're glad he's gone)

"He was never seen shirking his duties." (he had a good hiding place)

"Nobody would be better for that position." (you'd be better off hiring nobody because you'd get the same results without having to pay wages)

"I cannot say enough good things about this man."
(there aren't any)

"His enthusiasm will speak for itself." (he thought the job was a waste of time)

"He was never afraid to use his sick days to make sure he was always healthy." (he used up his paid sick days in 2 weeks)

"Words fail me in describing his efforts on behalf of our company." (and I thought The Three Stooges were incompetent)

[RandyBoBandy]

Man and his wife...
A Man and his wife go out for a business dinner, while waiting for the husbands business partner Bob and his wife, a beautiful blonde walks past and winks at the man. The wife looks to her husband and says "Who the hell was that!" The husband responds, "Honey, I love you but i must fess up that was my mistress". Horrified the wife tells him she wants a divorce, and he replies " If that's what you really want I'll divorce you, But i will miss you and we will have to split everything and you will lose your name in my check book". As the wife is contemplating this quietly, a beautiful brunette walks by and winks at the husband. she exclaims! "Well who the hell is that!" to which the husband answers " Oh! thats Bob's mistress!. The wife sits quietly for a moment then says..... " Ours Is Much Prettier" Lol

[RandyBoBandy]

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You at the Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLCGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

[Red Bullets]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in the Southwestern Alberta Foothills when suddenly a brand-new 2021 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 animals."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my animals," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a UPC MLA for the Alberta Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know **** about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."
"Now give me back my dog."

[RandyBoBandy]

IRISH LOGIC

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home .. and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation. She never got your email!"✳🍀

[Grizzly Adams1]

No explanation needed.



Grizz

[urban rednek]

I made a graph of all my past relationships.

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

[RandyBoBandy]

Originally Posted by urban rednek

I made a graph of all my past relationships.

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

[Glion]

So my one lovely daughter is downstairs teaching herself the recorder. My ears might be bleeding, but it did remind me of this incredible clip

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=G44xTr8D_bw

[omega50]

Beer

[RandyBoBandy]

Gramma's Old and Crabby

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.

[RandyBoBandy]

The Beautifying Milk Bath
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door
to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful
again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"


Wait for it ...

Wait for it ...

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs ... I can splash it on my
eyes if I need to!


The Rolex
An old, Italian Mafia Don is dying and calls his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But, grandpa," said the grandson, "I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina me. Soma day you goin a be runna da business, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.
"Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man.
Whatta you goina do then? Point to you watch and say TIME’S UP?"

[RandyBoBandy]

Big Feet
There was the Texan sitting in a bar with his feet propped up on the bar.
A cute little blonde walks in, sits down next too him and strikes up a conversation.
Noticing the size of his boots, she asks him if it's true what they say about the size of a man's feet (as it relates to the size of his you know what).
He says, "Well, yes ma’am, it sure is."
One things leads to another and they end up back at her room and they end up "cuddling" all night.
The next morning as the blonde is getting dressed to leave, she pulls a $100 bill out of her purse and leaves it for the Cowboy.
He says, "Why thank you ma’am. I'm very flattered. I have never been compensated for my services before."
As she walks out the door, the woman replies, "Don't be flattered. The $100 is for you to go buy a pair of boots that FIT!

[RandyBoBandy]

Ordering a Pizza in 2022

CALLER:
Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

Welcome to the future

[RandyBoBandy]

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men

like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.

Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling,

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap.”

[elkhunter11]

I found this amusing.

https://twitter.com/blogTO/status/1487054680693878786

[Glory Hills]

I created this account in april 2021 to sell some firearms. Since then I’ve sold 7 and hoping to reach 20 posts on here by 2024 so I can sell some more or chat with people more easily. Great forum! I’ll figure the access code out on every post yet!

[RandyBoBandy]

Dirty Grandma!
Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked:

“Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could.

“Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called sexual intercourse.”

“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.

A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily:

“Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom would like a word with you!”

[Au revoir, Gopher]

Tool Definitions

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ....!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle .... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks. See: S.O.B. TOOL

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

S.O.B. TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a ....." at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


ARG