It’s been far too long since I’ve shared a TreeGuy misadventure. Anyone want to hear a tale?
I’ll prefix this with a caveat. For those un familiar with me, I’m a mischievous arse and beer tends to accentuate that weird proclivity. Don’t judge, there’s a lesson to be learned here via my interweb follies….
I’m in the oil patch these days. Water transfer stuff to be specific. Often, my 12-hour night shifts mean sitting in a truck alone watching a pump run. Often for days on end.
I get bored, and idle hands tend to do the devil’s work.
I’m very happily married, but one long night way back in the bush this fall, I decided to start a fake Tinder profile to see what all the fuss was about.
Oh boy! For my purposes, it did NOT disappoint. Especially when you use Brad Pitt as your profile pic.
Now I’m mostly evil (in a good way if that’s even possible) and will probably have an uncomfortable conversation with the Boss once I leave this world. However, we only live once and laughter is the best medicine as Reader’s Digest tells us. So, don’t judge.
Long story short, I’d match up with the biggest and ugliest girls I could find. Trans girls (SHOCKINGLY more than you’d expect) were given extra special attention.
Seems entirely counterproductive, no?
Not really. I’d spend hours getting them all hot and bothered to help pass the time. It was pretty easy because obviously, I’m Brad Pitt.
Ultimately, they’d ask for my cell number so they could send me ‘pictures’ of themselves and chat further. Oh my….
I’d of course give them the contact info for my day guys. They’d be getting random texts at 3am from drunken northern BC gals. It defined the true meaning of WTF…. Shift change handovers were hilarious!!!
In fairness though, I think one guy is engaged now. He still doesn’t know…
So, lets’ just say that by now we’ve established that I’m an idiot. I like to consider myself an evil genius, but let’s be real here…I’m not.
Fast forward to this past Sunday. NFL playoffs baby! I started drinking beers at noon. Good times.
Day becomes night. Mrs. Tree eventually goes to bed as she has to work in the morning. I’m on days off.
I check my BookFace in the now quiet house. There’s a friend request from some random chick as can occasionally happen. I accept... Figure I’ll check out her pics then delete. Total creep move I’m well aware of, but we all do it. At least those of us fortunate (?) enough to receive such requests.
I don’ t even get a chance to begin stalking before she sends me a message and wants to chat.
Ok why not I think. What could possibly go wrong? Time for another beer.
What could…possibly…go…….wrong??????
Ohhhhhh boy!
Keeping this tale NSFW and AO friendly will now become difficult. Very…difficult.
She seems nice at first. We have a pleasant and casual conversation for a bit. Then she sends me a picture of her very scantily clad self.
OMFG!
I wish I could share it. You’ll have to engage your imaginations instead, but trust me, it was good. Very, very, vewwwery good.
Which is bad….
I have another beer.
This is also bad…
Turns out this nice girl is actually a naughty girl. A very, VERY naughty girl. Unlike any I’ve ever experienced before. Time for another beer.
We go back and forth in this stupid, harmless conversation for an hour. The alcohol is starting to work it’s magic now. Good judgement has long since left the scene.
She sends more pics. Brad Pitt does too. She definitely approves. His pecker is impressive. VERY impressive.
This is bad, bad, bad...yet kinda fun.
She ultimately sends me a link and asks me to sign up on some seedy site to view her webcam. It requires a credit card. I have one but it’s a JOINT credit card. Hard no. So, I politely decline her invitation and wish her a good night.
Wrong answer.
This is where things begin to come off the rails. Spectacularly.
She loses her feces. Posts screenshots of my wife’s FB page, my Dad’s and my sister in law’s. Gives me 5 minutes to sign up or she’ll share our full conversation with them. F!
My mid 40’s gastrointestinal tract immediately produced an impressive shart.
I tell her to calm her tots da f down because that always works well with upset women. Right? Right????
Nope.
As usual, this tactic fails me. Perhaps one day it’ll work? Unfortunately, though it means I’ll have to keep upsetting women to perfect it. Hmm. Scientific discoveries involve sacrifice I suppose
.
I immediately report our conversation to FB, but I’ll need to buy some time until they can resolve my dilemma. I can’t delete her from my page though, I’d lose any ability to steer the conversation.
So, I open her link and use a prepaid visa received over Christmas. Obviously, it gets rejected. I take a screenshot and send it to her. I tell her that Christmas was expensive, her site won’t let me in and I’ll have to talk with my bank in the morning.
She’s meaner than a grizzly with a bum paw now. She demands I give her $2500 by 10 am. She pulls up more of my family from FB. Now I’m mad.
F…..ix Auto.
I’ve at least bought myself some time for the FB authorities to do they’re thing. I go outside for a smoke. Gotta calm down and think.
I have three by the time the good ol TreeGuy lightbulb begins to glimmer. Having the survival instinct of a cockroach is pure gold sometimes.
I return inside with a plan. I check her FB. Surprisingly, over 700 friends. Perfect. Time to fight fire with fire no? Where’s Mamma?
Curiously, I notice that nearly all her friends are from overseas. And her English is weak…This is very important.
This is also when God himself reached down from the heavens himself and gifted this half-drunk (mostly drunk) fool with an idea of pure genius. Time for another beer. What could possibly go wrong?
I messaged her back. Time to go all in and roll the dice. I told her to get f’d and I could care less who she sent our conversation to. In fact, I DARED her to do it. Then held my breath.
This is NOT the response she had anticipated. Not at all.
This is when the epiphany happens….
I ask her if she’d like to know what I do for a living. She doesn’t care at first. The price is $5000 now. By noon. She’s meaner than a pitbull s’n tacks now. I persist.
She eventually asks.
I tell her I’m a detective with the Calgary Police Services and would not only be opening an extortion investigation in the morning, but inquiring into her citizenship status.
I’ve never, and I mean NEVER in my life seen an attitude adjust so dramatically LOL!
I kept her on the hook until FB banned her. Mrs. Tree was pizzed when my drunken arse stumbled into bed at 05:15, but I’ll take it as opposed to the alternative!
I’d like to say I’ve learned my lesson, but living life on the edge is kinda exciting! Lol! Please learn from this fool’s follies. There’s a slight chance I was a coal mining canary in a past life…..
As always, stay tuned.
Tree
Dodging Bullets: A TreeGuy PSA
you could end up on the Dr. Phil show or the Jerry Springer show............ not really sure which one is the worst
Outstanding! Please do carry on...
Hybrid Mode
