Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in. - Page 36

Okotok · #**1051** 05-23-2022, 07:42 PM

A bear walks into a bar and sits down. Bartender comes over and bear says, I'll have a beer. Bartender says, I'm sorry, but we don't serve bears here. Bear says, If you don't serve me, I'm gonna eat that lady over there! Bartender says, I'm sorry, but we don't serve bears here. Bear walks over and gobbles up the lady and says, Now you gonna serve me!! Bartender says sorry we don't bears and we don't serve drug addicts. Bear says what...? Bartender says, That was a barbiturate.

RandyBoBandy · #**1052** 05-24-2022, 12:26 PM

“My doctor’s a very strange man. I said to him, ‘Doc, what’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?’ He told me, ‘The taste.’”
Rodney Dangerfield

stuckincity · #**1053** 06-06-2022, 01:44 PM

What's the difference between Canada and the Titanic?
Passengers on the Titanic didn't vote to hit the iceberg.

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Little Johnny’s parents decided to go to a nudist camp. So upon arrival they head out to explore. Little Johnny goes back to Mom and says “Wow, all the girls have different size boobs.”

Mom says, “Yes Johnny and the bigger they are, the dumber the girl.”

So Johnny heads out some more and goes back to Mom and says, “Wow, all the boys have different size wieners.”

Mom says again, “Yes Johnny and the bigger the wiener the dumber the boy.”

So again Johnny heads out and comes back to Mom and says, “Dad is talking to a really dumb girl and the longer they talk, the dumber dad gets.”

brewster29 · #**1054** 06-06-2022, 01:50 PM

My favorite childhood memory is making sandcastles with my grandfather.
Until Mom took the urn away…

Dean2 · #**1055** 06-21-2022, 09:43 PM

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine and lodge in your brain. That is where your sh***ty ideas come from.

Can you die from constipation, because I am getting really worried about how many people I am meeting that are completely full of sh×t

If you fart loudly in public, just shout out JET POWER and start walking faster.

antmai · #**1056** 06-21-2022, 09:46 PM

I would tell you my paper joke….but its kind of tearable.

Dean2 · #**1057** 06-21-2022, 09:58 PM

I just stepped on a cornflake, I am now officially a cereal killer.

Spell check, quit messing with my cuss works you mother forklift.

Shot my first Turkey today, scared the poop out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was AWESOME.

stuckincity · #**1058** 06-30-2022, 12:57 PM

Three karens were on an escalator at Chinook Mall. When they were halfway up it suddenly stopped because the motor burnt out.
Later they complained to the mall manager because they were stuck there for 2 hours.

How many karens does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. She holds the bulb and demands that the world revolve around her.

How many karens does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They call the police to report the "blackness".

Why aren't karens musical?
They can't get past the do re me me me me..........

To all the beautiful women, inside and out, who are named Karen: I'm NOT talkin' about YOU!

Red Bullets · #**1059** 06-30-2022, 01:26 PM

Heard there was a guy in Edmonton who was shot 200 times with a unhostery gun.. Luckily he is fully recovered.
~

As I get older I remember all those people I have lost along the way. Looking back ... maybe I shouldn't have been an adventure guide.
~

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius and yet only a few know that his brother Frank was a real monster.
~

Ken07AOVette · #**1060** 08-09-2022, 09:37 AM

My wife told me I should be more in touch with my feminine side so I crashed the car and then ignored her all day for no reason.

Ken07AOVette · #**1061** 08-09-2022, 10:50 AM

I met this girl at a bar once. She said I was too intense. So I stared at her until she cried.

(Bob- always good for a smile)

RandyBoBandy · #**1062** 08-09-2022, 12:14 PM

A minister loses his wallet
He asks a friend where to look for the thief. The friend says “Why don’t you go through the 10 commandments in church on Sunday and see who looks guilty when you say ‘Do not steal’?”

The minister thinks this is a great idea. On the Monday after, he sees his friend who asks him “Did you try what I said? How did it go?”

The minister says “I was going to say ‘Do not steal’ but I got to ‘Do not commit adultery’ and I remembered where I left it.”

Ken07AOVette · #**1063** 08-09-2022, 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RandyBoBandy

A minister loses his wallet
He asks a friend where to look for the thief. The friend says “Why don’t you go through the 10 commandments in church on Sunday and see who looks guilty when you say ‘Do not steal’?”

The minister thinks this is a great idea. On the Monday after, he sees his friend who asks him “Did you try what I said? How did it go?”

The minister says “I was going to say ‘Do not steal’ but I got to ‘Do not commit adultery’ and I remembered where I left it.”

Heh

Trochu · #**1064** 10-03-2022, 02:49 PM

Custom's Agent: "Welcome to Australia. Just going through your records, do you have a criminal record"?

Me: "Oh, sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement".

IronNoggin · #**1065** 10-03-2022, 03:39 PM

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that – you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“
My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

bat119 · #**1066** 10-03-2022, 04:01 PM

A QUEEN'S TALE

We'll always remember her sense of humor and that beautiful smile.

I was on Guard of Honour, waiting for the King of Saudi Arabia, on Horseguards.
On the right flank, Scots Guard (100 guardsmen) then a gap, HM The Queen, mounted in uniform; alongside her the CO Colonel Gerald, another gap, then on the left flank, the Queen’s Company Grenadier Guards (100 guardsmen).

We’re stood at ease waiting.

Suddenly the silence was broken by Colonel Gerald’s charger erupting with horse farts at full volume for two minutes.

Embarrassed and staring straight ahead Colonel Gerald says, “Sorry about that your Majesty!”

She replies, in a wonderful voice, “That’s alright Gerald, . . . I thought it was your horse!”

200 guardsmen silently cried with laughter, and tapped their rifle butts on the gravel.

From that moment, every man there adored her!

badbrass · #**1067** 10-03-2022, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IronNoggin

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that – you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“
My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

Hahahaha! Good one!

Trochu · #**1068** 10-03-2022, 08:31 PM

I heard Alec Baldwin has seven kids, that guy just refuses to shoot blanks.

leeaspell · #**1069** 10-03-2022, 08:57 PM

So a buddy from BC, a buddy from Alberta, a buddy from Sask and a Newfie are sitting around drinkin one night talking about the fastest thing in the world.

Buddy from BC says,"I think that it's probably a blink because you can blink so quickly that sometimes you don't even realize that your blinking."

Buddy from Alberta scoffs at this idea and says,"A thought is way faster than a blink, and I challenge anyone who disagrees with me to fight me"

Buddy from Sask thought on it a moment before replying,"I have to agree that a thought is faster than a blink, but you're wrong. Electricity is ten times faster than both of those things. When you flip a light switch the light turns on instantly"

The other two men thought that this was a pretty convincing argument, and so the three of them agreed that electricity must be the fastest thing on earth. Then the Newfie says, "Bys im sorry, but all of ye are all wrong. The answer is diarrhea."

The other men laugh at him and ask,"are you crazy? How could it possibly be diarrhea?!" The Newfie replies,"Ya see bys, da udder night I woke up in the middle o da night with a cramp in the guts from da missus' moose stew and da Screech. Before I could blink, tink, or turn on the light I sh!t me pants"

Sent from my SM-G781W using Tapatalk

trigger7mm · #**1070** 10-04-2022, 05:17 PM

^^^^^Laughing my ass off!

Au revoir, Gopher · #**1071** 02-15-2023, 02:41 PM

George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.

Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a nice gesture you made today, George.

'What do you mean?" asked George.

"Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.

"Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you know."

ARG

Red Bullets · #**1072** 02-15-2023, 06:05 PM

So I met an older gal at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year old woman. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and then she asked me if I'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double'?
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't."
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight's your lucky night. Let's go!"
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom...you still awake?''

Savage Bacon · #**1073** 02-15-2023, 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

So I met an older gal at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year old woman. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and then she asked me if I'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double'?

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't."

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight's your lucky night. Let's go!"

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom...you still awake?''

Jeez red way to ruin a guys fantasy

Sent from my SM-G970W using Tapatalk

Red Bullets · #**1074** 02-16-2023, 09:40 AM

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the door bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the dog replies. "So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government. I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

Red Bullets · #**1075** 02-16-2023, 09:45 AM

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Woodstock and Tillsonburg, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays I will provide him with a new Ford every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!’

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!’

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will have sex with him.’

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?’

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F*** him’.

Red Bullets · #**1076** 02-16-2023, 09:50 AM

A man owned a small farm near Camrose. The Alberta Government, Employment Standards claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an auditor out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the auditor.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $250 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the auditor.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

mmmtracksoup · #**1077** 02-16-2023, 12:44 PM

I received an email about reading maps backwards but soon realized it was just spam.

KGB · #**1078** 02-16-2023, 01:02 PM

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

stuckincity · #**1079** 02-17-2023, 01:19 PM

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's bloody scary.........

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all!!!

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A group of archeologists, one senior and several juniors, discovered a new tomb in Egypt.
They examined the mummy and tried to figure out how he died.

Later the senior examined the mummy by himself, then declared "This man died of a heart attack."

One of the juniors asked, "How did you come to that conclusion Professor?"

The senior answered, "I translated the piece of papyrus that was clenched in his fist. It's a betting slip. It says '50 thousand shekels on Goliath.' "

Mayhem · #**1080** 02-17-2023, 05:26 PM

Did you hear about the nymphomaniac the failed her driver's test. Apparently she was driving a stick shift, stalled it and then out of habit jumped into the back seat.

What kind of bees give the best milk...boo-bees