Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

[RandyBoBandy]

The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Woodstock and Tillsonburg, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays,
I will provide him with a new Ford every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!’

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double
his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!’

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will have sex with him.’

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?’

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head
from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'XXXX him’.

[RandyBoBandy]

Brian from the accounts department passed me this morning as I was going to work, he must have been doing at least 100mph.

Mind you, he did jump from the 32nd floor.

In his final high school exams, my Granddad got 7 C's

So he became a pirate.

Is it a coincidence that 18 American diplomats cancelled a trip to the Russian embassy in Moscow on the same day McDonald's closed every restaurant?

Did you know Yoda had a last name?

Layheehoo!

[bat119]

A guy is sitting at the bar, a drunk oriental guy comes and sits beside side him
The guy asks do you know karate or king ku?
The Oriental guy snaps I’m sick of always being racially profiled just because I’m oriental you assume I know the martial arts
The guy replies no it’s because you’re drinking my beer

[Red Bullets]

The only cow in a small town in Saskatchewan stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta for 800 dollars. Being a poor town, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the local farming elder, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the old farmer what was happening, "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The elder thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"
The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise man. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?
"The old farmer answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."

[Red Bullets]

My wife was upstairs, I was in the basement.

She shouted to me in a concerned voice, "Hey do you ever get a shooting pain down your spine, into your chest like someone stuck a needle in a voodoo doll?"

I stammered a little, managed to get out "ummmm... no?"

To which she replied, "HOW ABOUT NOW?"

[walker1]

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

The only cow in a small town in Saskatchewan stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta for 800 dollars. Being a poor town, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the local farming elder, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the old farmer what was happening, "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The elder thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"
The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise man. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?
"The old farmer answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."

dandy!!!!

[Tannerdog]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.............

[RandyBoBandy]

Yes Sir! Sergeant Major!
A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Smith, Jones, Jenkins, and so on. And you will refer to me as sergeant major. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sergeant major."

"Good. Now that we've got that settled, what is your name, soldier?"

The soldier breathes a heavy sigh and answers "Darling. My name is John Darling, sergeant major!”

"Okay John, here's what I need you to do..."

[RandyBoBandy]

Cheap at the price!
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says.

"It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on."

So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.

"Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back."

"Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?"

"Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did!”

[RandyBoBandy]

Are you sweating when filling up?

Feeling sick about rising gas prices?

Then, you’re suffering from the Car Owner virus!!!

[Who Da Fisherman]

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
‘Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’
Teacher: ‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’
Johnny said I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’
The teacher fainted…

[RandyBoBandy]

Originally Posted by Who Da Fisherman

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
‘Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’
Teacher: ‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’
Johnny said I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’
The teacher fainted…

[Stirlingville]

Originally Posted by Fish along

Two fellers out on the bay fishing,and along comes a yacht with women sunbathing in their bathing suits ,one guy says to the other...you should show em your nutz so he crosses his eyes an licks out his tongue at them

ha ha

[Stirlingville]

Originally Posted by RandyBoBandy

love lil jonny

[urban rednek]

5-1/2 minutes of Ronald Reagan telling Soviet jokes. His delivery is better than reading them on the screen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A

[Au revoir, Gopher]

With the advent of the self driving vehicle, it is only a matter of time before there is a country and western song where the guy's truck leaves him.

ARG

[Au revoir, Gopher]

https://youtu.be/Zu9FksK6Cks

ARG

[RandyBoBandy]

Originally Posted by Au revoir, Gopher

https://youtu.be/Zu9FksK6Cks

ARG

[Sundog57]

Originally Posted by Au revoir, Gopher

https://youtu.be/Zu9FksK6Cks

ARG

Nice to see that in spite of being taken over by a big private equity group, that they still have a sense of humour

[Fish along]

Originally Posted by Au revoir, Gopher

https://youtu.be/Zu9FksK6Cks

ARG

For a split second there i thought i might like to go,for 500 dollars lol.

[Twisted Canuck]

Everyone loves physics jokes right? Well, I do. So here are a few. Shamelessly stolen from Archerytalk forum.

1. Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar .... and doesn't.

2. A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We don't serve your kind in here!" The neutrino says, "That's okay. I'm just passing through."

3. A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a beer?" the neutron asks. "For you," the bartender replies, "no charge".

4. Two atoms were walking down the street. One stopped and said, "Hey! I think I just lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" asked the other. The first replied, "I'm positive."

5. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve particles that travel faster than light". A tachyon walks into a bar.

6. A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, "May I help you with your luggage". "No thanks," replies the photon, "I'm travelling light."

7. Entropy isn't what it used to be.

8. Einstein developed a theory about space ... and it was about time too.

9. Heisenberg is pulled over by a cop for speeding. "Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop. "No, officer, but I know exactly where I am!"

10. A Higgs Boson particle walked into a church. The priest said, "This really isn't the place for you." The particle replied, "But without me, you can't have mass!"

[Dean2]

Subject: Beer & the Wheel


Beer & the Wheel:
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the ******* for obvious reasons.
Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and also to just irritate a bunch of liberals.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks, right after I forward this message!

[Trochu]

Woohoo! My career is on the Conservative list!

[RandyBoBandy]

Originally Posted by Dean2

Subject: Beer & the Wheel



And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks, right after I forward this message!

Brilliant !!

[RandyBoBandy]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the dog replies. "So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government.
I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He never did any of that ****."

[Red Bullets]

One day I went on an overnight trip and left my dog at the house with lots of food and water. My dog's name was "In". The next day I got home and I knew my dog, In, had died before I even went to the house. A couple folks asked me how I knew my dog was dead, like 'was it a gut feeling?'

I told them I knew because of Instinct.

[lmtada]

About 30 years ago there was a group of big game hunters in Alaska.
A German, an Austrian and a Czech.
They were camping one night when they were attacked by some Grizzlies and the Czech, unfortunately, was carried off into the forest and eaten.
The other two hunters contacted the Alaskan Wildlife service to attend the site investigate what happened and help them recover their friends body.
The Game wardens arrived, looked at the evidence and they decided to track down they bear that killed and ate their friend.
Eventually the wardens and the two hunters tracked the group of 4 bears to a small clearing in the woods and the Warden immediately shot the large male bear and let the other 3 bears ( a sow and two large cubs) to run off.
They cut open the bear and there was their unfortunate friend.
“How did you know our friend would be in THIS bear and not the other bears?” the Austrian asked.
“Easy” replied the Warden, ” The Czech is always in the male.”

[NCC]

Wives are like a tin roof - if you don't do a good job of screwing, they end up at the neighbor's.

[stuckincity]

What's a definition of "Oh, s#it!"
A jumbo jet full of lawyers that crashed into a mountain - with one survivor.

There was a terrorist that hijacked a jumbo jet full of lawyers. He threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.

What became of the woman who backed into a plane propeller?
Disasster!

Why didn't the blonde go to the airport?
She saw a sign that said AIRPORT LEFT, so she turned around and went home.

There was a huge explosion at the paint factory. The townsfolk thought all the workers were killed, but they all came through with flying colors.

[Okotok]

What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to bed?

He puts his pajamazon!