|
|
10-11-2012, 07:32 PM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 7,861
|
|
Joke Thread
Two guys were sitting in their boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer. One turns to the other and says, 'I'm thinking of divorcing my wife'. The other says... 'why in the world would you want to do that'?
The first fisherman replied... 'she hasn't talked to me in 2 months'.
The second fisherman thinks for a moment, then says...'I'd think about that if i were you'.
|
10-11-2012, 09:30 PM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,792
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by avb3
Two guys were sitting in their boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer. One turns to the other and says, 'I'm thinking of divorcing my wife'. The other says... 'why in the world would you want to do that'?
The first fisherman replied... 'she hasn't talked to me in 2 months'.
The second fisherman thinks for a moment, then says...'I'd think about that if i were you'.
|
Worst joke ever
Now what's the deal with steel wool?
__________________
Popped a Molly, I'm Sweating! WHOO!
|
10-12-2012, 09:50 AM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 7,861
|
|
Me missus bought a paperback
Down town on Saturday,
I had a peep into her bag;
'Twas “Fifty Shades of Grey."
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
Her left hand held a length of rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down onto the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet
A cuppla minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris,
You would see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.
She stood there nude, just naked like,
Bent forward just a bit ….
I took a pace to brace meself
And stood on her left tit!
Old Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”
Well readers, I won't tell no more
What happened on that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned “fifty shades of grey”.
|
10-14-2012, 06:37 PM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 7,861
|
|
Clinton vs. Titanic
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: cost - $29..99
Clinton : cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bull**** artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewels
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either..
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
|
10-14-2012, 06:43 PM
|
|
Gone Hunting
|
|
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Lougheed,Ab.
Posts: 12,736
|
|
AAHHH...little Monica, hard to believe that she turned 50 a fews months ago....it just seems like yesterday that she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees putting whatever she could find in her mouth....time flies.....
__________________
The future ain't what it used to be - Yogi Berra
|
10-14-2012, 07:23 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Wainwright
Posts: 930
|
|
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Lil' Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b***h, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:
And you, Tanya?
" I wanna be Lil' Johnny's b***h!"
|
10-14-2012, 07:56 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 637
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elk Chaser
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Lil' Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b***h, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:
And you, Tanya?
" I wanna be Lil' Johnny's b***h!"
|
ha!!
|
11-26-2012, 08:57 AM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 7,861
|
|
A freshman at Harvard from Mississippi came up to an upperclassman and asked: "'Scuse me, could you please tell me where the library's at?"
The upperclassman sniffed, and said: "Here, at Harvard, we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
The freshman thought for a second, then said: "I'm sorry; let me rephrase that. Could you please tell me where the library's at, ash-hole?"
|
11-26-2012, 09:20 AM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Deadmonton
Posts: 6,368
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by hal53
AAHHH...little Monica, hard to believe that she turned 50 a fews months ago....it just seems like yesterday that she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees putting whatever she could find in her mouth....time flies.....
|
She was born in 1973. She is not even 40 yet.
|
11-26-2012, 09:26 AM
|
|
|
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 9,599
|
|
Perfect thread for this one.
Rob Ford removed as mayor of Toronto due to conflict of interest
TORONTO - A Toronto judge has ordered the mayor of the Canada's largest city removed from office.
The judge found Rob Ford broke conflict-of-interest rules.
Ontario Superior Court Justice Charles Hackland says Ford cannot claim a slip-up or error in judgment made in good faith.
Ford, Hackland says, showed a "stubborn sense of entitlement" and a "dismissive and confrontational attitude" toward the integrity commissioner.
At issue was Ford's participation in a council vote on repaying money he had solicited for a private purpose using city letterhead when he was a councillor.
Hackland disqualified Ford from running again during this term of office and put his declaration on hold for 14 days to give the city time to make plans to deal with the situation.
Ford can appeal the ruling.
__________________
|
11-26-2012, 10:27 AM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 24
|
|
Joke
If "I Am" is the shortest sentence in the english language what is the longest
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
"I Do"
|
11-26-2012, 11:53 AM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Deadmonton
Posts: 6,368
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Annie
If "I Am" is the shortest sentence in the english language what is the longest
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
"I Do"
|
Now that is funny. But not to my wife.
|
11-26-2012, 12:04 PM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 7,861
|
|
Little Johnny - again :)
Little Johnny is playing up in the back of the English class.
Teacher calls the little criminal to the blackboard and orders him to list four Shakespeare plays, or be sent to the Principal's office for the usual caning.
Little Johnny calmly writes on the board:
- three inches
- six inches
- nine inches
- twelve inches
Puzzled by this, and a little smug as it looks like LJ is headed for another tanning, Teacher asks LJ what this is supposed to mean.
LJ explains:
- Much Ado About Nothing.
- As You Like It.
- Midsummernight's Dream.
- Taming The Shrew.
|
11-26-2012, 02:21 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,006
|
|
A young monk has been assigned to a monastery where they copy manuscripts. He happily takes his place with the other monks copying day in and day out. A constant thought keeps crossing his mind and he decides to confide in the head monk.
He says “ We are copying from copies of copies on these manuscripts. Are we 100% sure that we have it right? There could be some mistakes and we could be making the same mistakes.”
The head monk says “You have a point so I will go to the archives and check.” The head monk is gone for 1 hour, two hours, three hours and after 4 hours the young monk heads down to the archives.
There he finds the senior monk banging his head against the wall muttering ”It says celebrate. Celebrate.”
__________________
The problem with following the masses is that the M is silent...
In order to be a smart azz, you have to be smart otherwise you are just an azz.
You're offended.... I think it is funny and that is why I am happier than you.
|
11-26-2012, 04:15 PM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 7,861
|
|
|
11-26-2012, 05:59 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Somewhere out there AB
Posts: 773
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Phil A
A young monk has been assigned to a monastery where they copy manuscripts. He happily takes his place with the other monks copying day in and day out. A constant thought keeps crossing his mind and he decides to confide in the head monk.
He says “ We are copying from copies of copies on these manuscripts. Are we 100% sure that we have it right? There could be some mistakes and we could be making the same mistakes.”
The head monk says “You have a point so I will go to the archives and check.” The head monk is gone for 1 hour, two hours, three hours and after 4 hours the young monk heads down to the archives.
There he finds the senior monk banging his head against the wall muttering ”It says celebrate. Celebrate.”
|
Took me a little thinkin' on this one... lol!!
|
11-27-2012, 09:07 AM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Deadmonton
Posts: 6,368
|
|
.
|
11-27-2012, 10:48 AM
|
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Kelowna B.C.
Posts: 1,289
|
|
What Women say during sex.
What women say during sex, a prostitute, a nymphomaniac and a housewife.
Prostitute ...... "That's it !!!"
Nymphomaniac ... That's it ??!!??
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
Housewife ... "Blue, I think I'll paint the kitchen blue."
|
11-28-2012, 04:06 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 10
|
|
When do you know when a women is having a bad day?????
well, shes got a tampon behind her ear and she cant find her smoke lolllll
|
11-28-2012, 05:42 PM
|
|
|
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,006
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by TRAPPER92
Took me a little thinkin' on this one... lol!!
|
Caught a few with that one.
__________________
The problem with following the masses is that the M is silent...
In order to be a smart azz, you have to be smart otherwise you are just an azz.
You're offended.... I think it is funny and that is why I am happier than you.
|
11-28-2012, 06:27 PM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2011
Location: moving to quesnel
Posts: 3,013
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Phil A
A young monk has been assigned to a monastery where they copy manuscripts. He happily takes his place with the other monks copying day in and day out. A constant thought keeps crossing his mind and he decides to confide in the head monk.
He says “ We are copying from copies of copies on these manuscripts. Are we 100% sure that we have it right? There could be some mistakes and we could be making the same mistakes.”
The head monk says “You have a point so I will go to the archives and check.” The head monk is gone for 1 hour, two hours, three hours and after 4 hours the young monk heads down to the archives.
There he finds the senior monk banging his head against the wall muttering ”It says celebrate. Celebrate.”
|
rotf .. lmao .. perfect
__________________
Do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.......Ben Franklin
|
11-29-2012, 08:57 AM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Deadmonton
Posts: 6,368
|
|
.
|
11-29-2012, 04:29 PM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 2,758
|
|
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Canada . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
__________________
jpg images
LIFE IS TO SHORT TO HAVE AN UGLY LOOKIN DOG .....GET A LAB
|
11-29-2012, 04:44 PM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Cochrane AB
Posts: 894
|
|
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.
Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and be gone in the morning!
|
11-30-2012, 08:57 AM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 7,861
|
|
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
|
11-30-2012, 09:25 AM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Whitecourt
Posts: 5,818
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by avb3
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
|
'groan'
|
11-30-2012, 09:30 AM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Trinity bay newfoundland
Posts: 2,872
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by hal53
AAHHH...little Monica, hard to believe that she turned 50 a fews months ago....it just seems like yesterday that she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees putting whatever she could find in her mouth....time flies.....
|
What as 4 legs and smells like fish ?
__________________
wayne : If it didn't hurt than why are you crying ? ;o(
|
12-02-2012, 08:13 AM
|
|
Moderator
|
|
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Stony Plain
Posts: 6,686
|
|
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk? And if they have avocados, get 6.”
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had avocados.”
|
12-05-2012, 04:04 PM
|
|
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Westerose
Posts: 4,104
|
|
Going fishing...
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and
tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron
sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking
on the fire.
"Geez Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into
letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting
in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes
and said, 'Guess who ?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a
brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and
rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told
me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
|
01-16-2013, 11:46 AM
|
Banned
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 7,861
|
|
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing and golfing Maybe you should sell your guns and boat and Golf clubs
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!"
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:02 PM.
|