Thanks Ken, and Mb-MBR in particular.
I guess the reason I've made it this far is that I'm stubborn. I didn't try to quit weed eventually because I knew I couldn't do it.
Artificial Sweeteners: 35 Days
Caffeine: 37 Days
Energy Drinks: 37 Days
Marijuana: 43 Days
Refined Sugar: 51 Days
Soda: 64 Days
I started with soda because it was my biggest arguably non addictive vice. I was drinking two litres a day. It was poisoning me to death. I identified that as my biggest immediate health need.
After awhile of quitting that, I realized ... hey, I can do this, and cut out candy and sweets and anything with refined sugar in it. I still allow myself fruit and once and awhile I'll allow myself something with natural sugar in it, like real maple syrup but I will not touch high fructose corn syrup.
After awhile of that .... I started to notice changes. I've always had a persistent rash on my face for years that never went away. It started to diminish. Then, building on those two successes I decided to quit weed.
Oddly ... quitting weed at first was easier than it is now. The hardest one by far was caffeine. After I'd quit pepsi I was drinking an energy drink a day and coffee.. when I quit that .... I was in bed for three days. The migraines were absolutely head busting roll around in agony pain.
But when I got through that I was like ... heck with it, I'll quit artificial sugar too ... with one exception, kinda. There's a natural sweetener called stevia that I am still trying to wean off but I am not in a hurry. The only think I drink right now is either straight water or carbonated water sweetened with stevia and I intend to cut that out as well.
Physically, I feel fine. I got this. I will not relapse.
But the problem is your coping mechanisms are a muscle.... a lot of people don't realize that. When crap is flying in your life and you just blast it away, your resilience to dealing with it goes way down. So I'm having to re learn how to deal with feelings that I've been pounding out via weed for years and years.
When I made the post about feeling awful... I found out that my brother is going to jail for arson, and my sister had a baby meaning I'm now an uncle and I didn't even know. I'm .... detached from my family due to being a bit of a black sheep because I left a low income life back home to work out west. We don't see eye to eye.
Having my brother call me to tell me all this just .... it was bad. I'm not good at expressing emotion with anyone either .... I just ball it up and keep it there in a festering wad of nasty that I can't seem to get rid of ... counseling doesn't really help me....
I've been spending a lot of time on my hobbies lately, and it's been helpful, I can turn the energy into something positive. I've dropped a few friends .. the ones not considerate enough to respect me when I said I don't want to smell the stuff ..... but I've kept a couple at least for now that are supporting me even if they are still using. Avoiding it in my presence, etc.
I got this gents, I appreciate the love a lot, I really, really do. I've come too far to backslide....
But make no mistake .... that stuff is poison. It's actually probably positive to the right people, but some of us just can't moderate and that is the way it is...
I've been pretty down on myself about all this, it's easy to say I hate me for me ... but considering that I've had zero access to services, zero counseling and all of my friends are still users .... I've been doing amazingly well under force of will
I just don't want to be that man anymore ... and I think that makes the most difference of all. How many people do we know who are just not ready to quit something? They make excuses .... or sabotage themselves ...
Being sober is REALLY hard right now..... but looking in the mirror and saying I hate who I am and I don't recognize my own reflection is WAY harder...
I can't wait to see me in a year. I'm losing weight already from nothing at all ... just the things I've quit.. my skin is clearing up... my eyes are brighter.
My wife said I look like less of a broken man.
I got this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken07AOVette
Mb-MBR touched on something very important.
You have to broom the toxic people. The enablers.
Your path is an extremely narrow one with what appears to be sharpened electric daggers on both sides if you fall off, held by 'acquaintances'.
This is much the same as dealing with the death of a loved one, the ONLY thing that ever helps in the end, is time. Getting there is damned tough, but looking back when later on we all realize it.
Find a smart sober clean dry person you can lean on, and just go day by day.
You can do it, we have faith in you.  |
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