Joke time

[Red Bullets]

One day, Jesus was walking by the Pearly Gates, when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.

“How did you spend your life on earth my son?” asked Jesus.

“I was a simple carpenter for sixty years” replied the old man.

“And what do you hope to find here in heaven” asked Jesus.

“I hope to find my son” said the man

“Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?”

“I’ll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet,” states the old man.

Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, “Father???”

The old man looks at Jesus and says, “Pinocchio?"

[Red Bullets]

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

“Fascinating,” said the psychologist. “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb.”

“Nonsense!” replied the engineer. “The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.”

“With all due respect,” interrupted the theologian, “I’m sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries.”

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

The trapper answered, “ Not enough stove pipe.”

[Red Bullets]

Peter and James have been friends for more than sixty years.

One day Peter says,"James, let's make a pact: whoever dies first will try to come back and tell the other what heaven's like." They both agree, but none too soon, because the next day James is dead from a sudden heart attack.

Six months later, just when Pete is giving up any hope of hearing from his dead friend, a voice wakes him up in the middle of the night.

"James, is that you?" Peter asks in amazement.
"
" Yes Peter ," James answers....

"Well, tell me. What's it like on the other side?"

"You wouldn't believe it. All day long, all I do is eat and chase females. I get up in the morning, eat breakfast, and chase females, then I eat lunch and chase females until dinner. After dinner I chase female some more. I then chase females until the wee hours, and the next day I do it all over again, everyday." James explains.

"Holy!" exclaims Peter. "If that's heaven, I can't wait to die!"

"Who said anything about heaven?" a perplexed James replies. "I'm a jackrabbit in Alberta!"

[quadrunner]

Why doesn't Mrs. Clause have no kids?










Santa always comes home with a empty sack

[coyotekiller]

Originally Posted by Unregistered user

Drafting Guys Over 60.

This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier... New

Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!


I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already
up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too.. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million ****ed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

Lol

[bison]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?(written by kids)-

1.You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
-.No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

2.WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

3.HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.-- Derrick, age 8

4.WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

5.WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8(isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

6.WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-- Anita, age 9(bless you child )

8.HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.......
9.HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.-- Ricky, age 10

[regl]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story.
Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and treachery will always overcome youth andskill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[3blade]

Fed up with failure in preventing coyotes from killing his sheep, an Alberta rancher brought out his rifle to eliminate the pack. Suddenly, a liberal rushed up and breathlessly screamed, "Wait, there's no need to do that. We've developed a new drug that renders them impotent." "I don't know what y`all do in quebec," drawled the rancher taking aim again, "but out here the coyotes eat the sheep."

[schmedlap]

Originally Posted by bison

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?(written by kids)-

1.You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
-.No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

2.WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

3.HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.-- Derrick, age 8

4.WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

5.WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8(isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

6.WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-- Anita, age 9(bless you child )

8.HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.......
9.HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.-- Ricky, age 10

Not to mention insightful and quite accurate.

[Unregistered user]

Grieving Wife

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.

My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.

Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

[rainman]

Originally Posted by Rumtan

Oh sure when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a Sledge Hammer it's "Art". When I do it, they say I'm drunk and have to leave Rona

love it

[stuckincity]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened and the man read it out loud for all who donated to hear.


It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

[unclebuck]

Lemon Pickers Wanted !!

An Edmonton woman relocated to Florida and was applying for a job in a lemon grove ..

The foreman asked,

"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have,

"I've been divorced 4 times,

“I have owned 3 Dodges,

Rooted for the Edmonton Oilers,

AND I voted for Redford!!!!!!

[nekred]

Originally Posted by unclebuck

Lemon Pickers Wanted !!

An Edmonton woman relocated to Florida and was applying for a job in a lemon grove ..

The foreman asked,

"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have,

"I've been divorced 4 times,

“I have owned 3 Dodges,

Rooted for the Edmonton Oilers,

AND I voted for Redford!!!!!!

and Danielle Smith

and Wild Rose

[nekred]

Do you know why Jesus was not born in Newfoundland?




Could not find three wise men...................






......and a virgin!....

[nekred]

Do you know why he was not born in ALberta?....

No wise men to the East!.....

[Elkaholic338]

Two friends are hunting mule deer near Lethbridge, when one is bitten on the end of his groin by a Rattlesnake.
His buddy calls poison control from his cell phone to see what to do, and they tell him that he will have to put on a tourniquent and suck out the poison and continue sucking for at least an hour to make sure to get it all.

He thanks the operator for her help and hangs up the phone.

His buddy says to him " well what did they say?"

"they said your gonna die"

[nekred]

Definition of a true a-hole.....

Someone who goes into a school for the blind and puts laxatives in the coffee and then places a plunger in every toilet.....

[bison]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in
his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to
get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. It was then he noticed there was a
******* lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the
local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's
Catholic Church. There's a ******* lying dead in me front lawn and would ye
be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the
foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father,
replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[stuckincity]

Why didn't George Washington's father punish him for chopping down the cherry tree?
George was still holding the axe.

[RandyBoBandy]

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.

Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"
Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom . . . same, "Won it at bingo!"
Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.

She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub.

Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

[stuckincity]

Oxymorons:

now then
honest politician
efficient bureaucrat
rational feminist
almost exactly
granted rights
mandatory volunteerism
forced choice
reality TV
graffiti artist
bigger half

[bloopbloob]

Why are jellyfish always lonely?



Because there are no peanut butter fish....




Haha damn I'm getting old! Dad jokes

[Twisted Canuck]

Originally Posted by bloopbloob

Why are jellyfish always lonely?



Because there are no peanut butter fish....




Haha damn I'm getting old! Dad jokes

Man, that's terrible!

My kids always hassle me about dad jokes. My favorite by far (and the punch line has become a common phrase here)...my kids HATE this joke!

A young polar bear cub approaches his father one day, with a downcast look on his face.

'Dad' he says, 'am I 100% polar bear?,

His dad can tell that something is bothering his boy, so he tries to assure him. 'Well son, your mom is 100% polar bear, and of course I am 100% polar bear, because all your grandparents are 100% polar bear....so of course son, you are 100% polar bear'.

The cub looks even more crestfallen and mumbles 'oh'.....

His father, becoming even more concerned, asks 'Why are you wondering son?'

The cub looks up, and says witha tear in his eye...

'Because I'm cold'

[fishtank]

[vcmm]

Originally Posted by fishtank

wow

[TBark]

Irishman Shawn gone into his neighbourhood pub and chats up Paddy who is his longtime bartender owner or many years. Shawn tells Paddy that he just can’t come in any longer and that he’s going over to McGillicotties pub across town. Paddy asks why. Shawn says he hears that this new Pub McGillicotties is the best thing going, seems you only pay for your first beer then you drink free the rest of the night. Paddy replies that he’s never heard anything like that and he can’t compete. Shawn adds that he also heard at the end of the evening you also get a good shag, for free.
Paddy is astounded, but a bit heartbroken that Shawn won’t be coming in any longer. Paddy asks one final question of Shawn,
“So where did you hear about all this from Shawn”
Shawn replies, “from me daughter”

TBark

[Gerry]

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replies, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[Gerry]

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

[Gerry]

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be
late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances.
Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be
here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report
it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."