TORONTO — The Argos have done their job: making their first hometown Grey Cup in 30 years.
Now it’s time for Toronto to do its job: pretending it cared the whole time.
Some of you did. Believed, even.
The rest of us don’t know any of you. Now that it’s happened, we really wish we did. Then we could point at you and go, “I’m with this guy.”
But even if you paid no attention at all, you know that you have to start now. This is your homework for the week: By Sunday, you should be able to fake being an Argo fan.
There will be a temptation on both sides of this divide — the originals and the newcomers — to get hysterical about “bandwagons.” This is Toronto and they are a form of public transportation, so....
Let’s try not to spend the whole week bickering with each other about this sort of thing. It’s important that we recognize the real enemy here: Calgary.
Those smug jerks, with their sandbox full of oil and their completely rational mayor. I’m not sure if they’ve been lording it over us for years — I think of Calgary as the place you stop to pick up steaks on your way to a barbecue in Vancouver — but we should assume they’ve been trying. Let’s try to think of this as a battle between their way of life (going out in public dressed like rodeo clowns) and our own (agreeing on nothing, excepting our united stand on rodeo clowns — we’re against them).
They’ll be all over downtown in a couple of days, walking around like someone just dropped nerve gas on Nashville, and all the evacuees ended up here. They will stop you on the street (God, they are so friendly). They’ll want to talk. About football.
Your usual line to outsiders — “The CN Tower is that way” — isn’t going to work here. These people are insistent. Their friendliness is a compulsion. They won’t be able to let you leave without some sort of interaction.
Try to be nice. Remember the oil.
“Woooo, Stamps!” some hillbilly might say to you, possibly while picking at a banjo.
And you might say back, “The Grey Cup? Didn’t the CFL already fix that for us in the off-season?”
No, wait. Don’t say that. It’s rude. It might be true, but it’s rude.
How about
: “We know this means a lot more to you than it does to us, so in the spirit of national comity we’re hoping you win.”
Hmmm. Actually, don’t say that either. Again, it might be true. Toronto is wonderful and giving that way. But it’s important that they suffer before they get what they want. Like we’ve suffered.
Maybe try this: “If Calgary is so great, then why does everybody from the Stampeders end up here?”
That’s a good one because, unlike 97 per cent of sports arguments, it’s based on objective truth. In shifty Eastern fashion, we stole their defensive co-ordinator, Chris Jones, and ended up with a half-dozen former Calgary players. We have built our Grey Cup pleasure palace on the corpse of their dying civic enterprise.
Don’t say that last bit out loud.
Or go with another observable fact: the Argos have beaten the Stampeders in five straight games going back three seasons.
“Did you know that, Merle Haggard?”
He knows that. “Maybe you’re not as good at Canadian football as you seem to think?”
You’ve got him now.
“Maybe you’re not as good a Canadian as you seem to think?”
That’s going too far.
You will also want to master a series of reassuring homilies that will make the average Calgarian comfortable in your presence, since they assume that everyone from Toronto is a regular practitioner of witchcraft.
“Ricky Ray is a proven winner, but it’s been a while. He’s hungry.”
“Chad Kackert is a difference maker.”
“Chad Owens is a wild card.”
Don’t think too hard about getting this right. Odds are all this will happen downtown, after you’ve been drinking. Just remember to pair “Chad mumblemumble” with a non-specific superlative.
Keep this whole thing football-centric. You’re on firm ground there. Do not let it drift to hockey or it’s all going to turn into a series of hosannas about Jarome Iginla, and you’re going to be reduced to bitter tears of regret. We got Jeff Ware, and they got Jarome Iginla? It’s like Wayne Newton ending up in Niagara Falls. If Canada really was the fair place CBC keeps insisting it is, Jarome Iginla should have been ours. Remember that when you’re trying to work up some animus on Sunday.
Also, don’t get into an exchange of connected ideas. You’re new to this and you’re going to get lost. Here’s a trick: combine your gauzy platitudes with a few obscure facts about the Argos roster. People (especially Calgarians) will assume you’re a genius.
“Joel Reinders played only eight games of football before he was taken in the NFL draft.”
“Robert McCune served in Afghanistan.”
“You know that defensive lineman Adriano Belli is notorious for kissing strangers. What you may not know is that it’s considered very rude on this side of the country to let any stranger go unkissed.”
Once you’ve gotten that one over on Calgary, you’ve won your own personal Grey Cup.
Cathal Kelly is a columnist for the Toronto Star
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Toronto columnist: Calgarians are 'smug jerks' who actually care about Grey Cup
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