Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

[KGB]

Two buddies meet after a few years apart and catching up on what happened in their lives. The first guy said that he got married, got two kids, bought a house, has a great job - life is great! The other guy said that he started his own company, opened a ***** house.
-that’s awesome, - the first guy says,- how much is for the oral sex?
- oh it’s like $100, - the second guy answers.
- Cool, how much do you charge for an anal? 1st guy asks again
- oh,it’s like $250 , the 2nd guy says
-Cool bro, how much is for just a regular sex?
- I don’t know, I’m working by myself for now....

[Dean2]

Originally Posted by elkhunter11

That is friggin tremendous. It actually brought tears to my eyes.

[Bigwoodsman]

Harry and Megan are having discussions with the Vancouver Canuks and Winnipeg Jets.

They want to find out what its like to live in Canada without a title!



BW

[bat119]

[Red Bullets]

.

[Bleat]

My wife asked me why I was whispering at home I said I was worried that Mark Zuckerberg was listening. She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed…we all laughed

[patriot11]

How did the blonde die while ice fishing?













She got hit by the Zamboni!

(sorry if this one is already posted)

[Red Bullets]

..

[tool]

You don’t often see world leaders with facial hair except for the real good ones eh?

Hitler
Castro
Stalin
Lennon
Mussolini
Sadame Hussein


🤔

Who else?

Oh yeah. Trudeau.

[Sleddawg]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

"Where are you going?" she asks.

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

[Dean2]

How did the Blonde get killed ice fishing.

She got hit by the Zamboni.

[KGB]

Originally Posted by Dean2

How did the Blonde get killed ice fishing.

She got hit by the Zamboni.

Oh common Dean, you can do better than that- stole the joke from the banned guy 3 posts above, lol!

[Dean2]

Originally Posted by KGB

Oh common Dean, you can do better than that- stole the joke from the banned guy 3 posts above, lol!

Well just how bad is that. Hardly good enough to tell the first time, sure not go enough to steal. I promise to do better.

[270person]

[Gerry]

Interesting health fact:

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye!

[Gerry]

Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada."
"To Revenue Canada?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to Revenue Canada. And about once a year, they send us a little p***k like you."

[Gerry]

A guy sees a good looking, we'll built young lady, so he goes to her and asks "may I bite your breasts for $10?" She shreaks "what?? No!" He says "how bout $100?" She replies "no, take a hike!" He says "come on, $1000?" She says "well... ok" so he takes her out of sight, and he's licking and sucking and fondling her breasts. Finally she says "well, hurry up! Are you going to bite them or what?" He says "naw... too expensive!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Those who would say that money can't buy happiness have never paid for a divorce.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This new scam is being perpetrated on men.
What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman
comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.
While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals
anything in the car.
They are very good at this.
They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday.
I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

[Gerry]

In the late Fall, the Indians out on the Siksika Nation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the Old Ways. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his people that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called The Weather Network and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called The Weather Network again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the meteorologist again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the Chief called The Weather Network again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The watherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting tons of firewood.'

[Gerry]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley."

[Gerry]

The old don lay on his death bed breathing his last. His young spoiled son sat by his side.*
"Come closer Vinny." said the old don. "I won't be around much longer now, and you are gonna have to take care a' things. I want you to have my chrome plated revolver; the one with pearl grips."
Vinny: "I don't want your gun. Whatsa' matter with giving me your watch, instead?"
The don: "Listen Vinny. Some day you gonna have a beautiful wife and some bambini with her. Nice house, nice cars. You gonna be out makin' money, and you come home early. You climb the stairs and maybe you find a fella in your bed with your wife!"
"What you gonna do then? Point to you watch, and say: "Hey pal! Time's up!"

[Gerry]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.*
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

[Gerry]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until Little Mary stood up angry, and said, "You should
not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal,who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, Mary then sat down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind,
Two, you didn't read your homework,
and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[Gerry]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..*
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.*
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..*
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.*
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.*
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.*
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.*
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.*
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.*
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.*
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
The woman replied, "No. I'm with Revenue Canada."

[RandyBoBandy]

Originally Posted by Gerry

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley."

[^v^Tinda wolf^v^]

I’m fixing wagons I tell ya! All from the comfort of my man cave but I’m still fixin em 😬

[LOWA]

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

I was talking to my mother and told her that I always felt different and thought I was adopted.
She replied, " 你像白米一樣白。."

You are as white as white rice.

[LOWA]

Originally Posted by Gerry

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until Little Mary stood up angry, and said, "You should
not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal,who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, Mary then sat down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind,
Two, you didn't read your homework,
and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Originally Posted by 270person

Mary is obviously ahead of the class

[Red Bullets]

I was walking and talking with a First Nations Elder and as we went along we found a small rock in our path. The elder picked the rock up, looked at it intensely and told me, "This is a very sexual stone". I asked him in amazement how he knew such a thing.

He looked at me like I was stupid and replied, "It's a F***ing Rock!!!"

[stuckincity]

Not sure if I posted this before...........



You're Old When:


You buy 'Playboy' and ‘Penthouse’ to read the articles.

You remember where you put your car keys, but can't remember where you parked your car.

Your favorite music and movies are in the Bargain Bin.

You're proud of your new garage door opener.

You trade your Harley for a Corolla.

You can't remember if its 375 degrees for 60 minutes, or 60 degrees for 375 minutes.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You send your teeth out to get cleaned.

You have stomach trouble - you can't get all of it behind your belt.

You don’t care where your wife goes, as long as you don’t have to go with her.

You don't remember being absent-minded.

You watch The Weather Channel and PBS.

Middle-aged women offer you their seat on the bus.

You have table manners that would offend a monkey.

"Lucky" means you remember where you parked your truck in the parking lot.

You have your pants pulled up almost to your armpits, complete with suspenders.

An "All Nighter" means not having to get up to go to the bathroom.

You turn down an invitation to go skinny dipping with a bunch of hot young babes, because you'd rather stay home and watch the baseball game.

You're told to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

[Red Bullets]

.