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07-28-2017, 09:43 PM
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Provost
Posts: 5,011
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Scottish joke.....
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back.
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07-28-2017, 10:17 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 6,496
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Whats the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
The Rolling Stones sang "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."
A Scotsman says "Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe."
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07-28-2017, 10:27 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Calgary
Posts: 19,420
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A Scotsman and an Englishman are neighbors in adjoining townhomes, they're both taking a break on their front steps. Curiously they've both been doing the same chore: stripping out wallpaper.
What's the difference?
The Englishman is renovating and the Scotsman is moving.
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"The trouble with people idiot-proofing things, is the resulting evolution of the idiot." Me
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07-29-2017, 05:27 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Saskatoon
Posts: 1,593
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Caber, that one would be funny, almost, but did you know that the Dutch rip out the flooring when they move - no B.S.
Most long term leases and sales of homes in Amsterdam, where my Daughter has lived, are without flooring.
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07-29-2017, 07:10 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 5,326
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saskbooknut
Caber, that one would be funny, almost, but did you know that the Dutch rip out the flooring when they move - no B.S.
Most long term leases and sales of homes in Amsterdam, where my Daughter has lived, are without flooring.
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That is correct. We see some of those trends moving here, there are now a lot of flooring options that are loose lay (glueless) for that exact reason, so they can easily be taken along to the next house. (I will never looselay, the extreme temperature / humidity changes are a recipe for disaster with that method)
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07-29-2017, 07:30 AM
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 21,399
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saskbooknut
Caber, that one would be funny, almost, but did you know that the Dutch rip out the flooring when they move - no B.S.
Most long term leases and sales of homes in Amsterdam, where my Daughter has lived, are without flooring.
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Think that's European. In Germany they take the kitchen cabinets as well.
Grizz
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"Indeed, no human being has yet lived under conditions which, considering the prevailing climates of the past, can be regarded as normal."
John E. Pfeiffer The Emergence of Man
written in 1969
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07-29-2017, 09:51 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 10,230
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Who invented copper wire?
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Alberta Fish and Wildlife Outdoor Recreation Policy -
"to identify very rare, scarce or special forms of fish and wildlife outdoor recreation opportunities and to ensure that access to these opportunities continues to be available to all Albertans."
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07-29-2017, 10:06 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: On the border in Lloydminster
Posts: 8,371
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At an art auction in Edinburgh, Scotland, a wealthy American lost his wallet containing £20,000 [$45,000].* He announced to the gathering that that he would give a reward of £200 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give £250.'
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07-29-2017, 10:25 AM
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Parkland County
Posts: 2,384
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At a U2 concert in Glasglow Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet... "Well, ****ing stop doing it , Ya evil bastard!"
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And unlike the clock on the wall at your momma house, I do not have time to hang.
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07-29-2017, 11:11 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Leslieville
Posts: 2,505
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Quote:
Originally Posted by walking buffalo
Who invented copper wire?
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Two Dutchmen fighting over a penny.
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We talk so much about leaving a better planet to our kids, that we forget to leave better kids to our planet.
Gerry Burnie
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07-29-2017, 01:08 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 10,230
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NCC
Two Dutchmen fighting over a penny.
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Are you German? Always picking on the Dutch....
This is a "Scottish" joke thread.
__________________
Alberta Fish and Wildlife Outdoor Recreation Policy -
"to identify very rare, scarce or special forms of fish and wildlife outdoor recreation opportunities and to ensure that access to these opportunities continues to be available to all Albertans."
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07-29-2017, 04:53 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Leslieville
Posts: 2,505
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Quote:
Originally Posted by walking buffalo
Are you German? Always picking on the Dutch....
This is a "Scottish" joke thread.
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My dad is Dutch and my mother is Scottish, so I need to spread the blame for being tight.
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We talk so much about leaving a better planet to our kids, that we forget to leave better kids to our planet.
Gerry Burnie
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07-29-2017, 05:01 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ft. McMurray and Kingston
Posts: 1,764
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NCC
My dad is Dutch and my mother is Scottish, so I need to spread the blame for being tight.
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Actually it was a Dutchman and a Scotsman fighting over a penny
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07-29-2017, 05:59 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Rycroft
Posts: 21,548
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NCC
Two Dutchmen fighting over a penny.
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07-29-2017, 10:59 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Med Hat
Posts: 69
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Some see the glass as half full, others see the glass as half empty. The Scotch see the glass and say......
" Are Your Gonna Drink That "
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The election of Justin Trudeau is indicative of the dumbing down of our society and its worship of celebrity culture.
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07-29-2017, 11:24 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Calgary
Posts: 19,420
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Is it PC to poke fun at Scots? I'm unsure if I'm feeling triggered or maybe its just an Innis & Gunn deficiency......
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"The trouble with people idiot-proofing things, is the resulting evolution of the idiot." Me
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07-30-2017, 09:02 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: 204
Posts: 5,456
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Some cultural backgrounds you can make a joke about, and they'll laugh with you.
Others not so much.
It seems to me that the cultures that can laugh at themselves generally get along better with everyone.
Or maybe I'm just a racist jerk. (Or a crazy Dutch bastard)
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"I like to quote my own quotes" ~ Dewey Cox
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07-30-2017, 09:06 AM
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 21,399
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaberTosser
Is it PC to poke fun at Scots? I'm unsure if I'm feeling triggered or maybe its just an Innis & Gunn deficiency......
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If you said Jewish, you'd be accused of being anti semetic, Moslem, Islamaphobe.
Grizz
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"Indeed, no human being has yet lived under conditions which, considering the prevailing climates of the past, can be regarded as normal."
John E. Pfeiffer The Emergence of Man
written in 1969
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07-30-2017, 09:44 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,103
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Newfoundland is the only province that makes money selling Newfie joke books. I have some of them that I bought there. A Newfie in the Air Force once told me that, "1949 was the year that Newfoundland took over the rest of Canada without firing a shot."
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07-30-2017, 09:59 AM
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Gone Hunting
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Between Bodo and a hard place
Posts: 20,168
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaberTosser
Is it PC to poke fun at Scots? I'm unsure if I'm feeling triggered or maybe its just an Innis & Gunn deficiency......
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Not sure. try a joke thread about Indians /Metis and see how far it flies.
There are some groups where a joke can get you killed, and we wonder why the world is a mess?
I've heard ethnic jokes my whole life and the best ones seem to come from the group being targeted. People take things too seriously sometimes.
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I'm not lying!!! You are just experiencing it differently.
It isn't a question of who will allow me, but who will stop me.. Ayn Rand
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07-30-2017, 10:17 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Calgary
Posts: 19,420
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One of my favourite Billy Connolly bits, obviously unscripted: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9BkwnGq2yaA
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"The trouble with people idiot-proofing things, is the resulting evolution of the idiot." Me
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07-30-2017, 10:24 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: On the border in Lloydminster
Posts: 8,371
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07-30-2017, 10:35 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Calgary
Posts: 19,420
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bat119
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I love how fast he ran to catch up to that bullet, I'm picturing a dog race track with the electric rabbit being replaced by a $50 bill and a line of kilted Scotsman in starting blocks
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"The trouble with people idiot-proofing things, is the resulting evolution of the idiot." Me
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07-30-2017, 07:11 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 5,170
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaberTosser
I love how fast he ran to catch up to that bullet, I'm picturing a dog race track with the electric rabbit being replaced by a $50 bill and a line of kilted Scotsman in starting blocks
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Dude!! Why would you picture that??? Unless you were a sheep intent on revenge....
Welcome to Scotland. Sorry for all the ****e ye had to drive through ta get here
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“Nothing is more persistent than a liberal with a dumb idea” - Ebrand
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08-04-2017, 11:16 AM
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AO Sponsor
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Airdrie, AB and Part Time BC
Posts: 3,022
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How does a Scotsman practice safe sex??
He paints a big black X on the sheep that kicks...
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08-04-2017, 11:17 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Kimberley B.C.
Posts: 5,234
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jstubbs
At a U2 concert in Glasglow Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet... "Well, ****ing stop doing it , Ya evil bastard!"
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Wicked !!! Good one
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08-04-2017, 12:39 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Grande Prairie
Posts: 619
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaberTosser
Is it PC to poke fun at Scots? I'm unsure if I'm feeling triggered or maybe its just an Innis & Gunn deficiency......
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Grizzly Adams
If you said Jewish, you'd be accused of being anti semetic, Moslem, Islamaphobe.
Grizz
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I'm half Jewish and half Scottish. This thread triggers me 100%
Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
*sits back sips scotch
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08-04-2017, 12:54 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Calgary
Posts: 19,420
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saltmania
I'm half Jewish and half Scottish. This thread triggers me 100%
Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
*sits back sips scotch
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Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
__________________
"The trouble with people idiot-proofing things, is the resulting evolution of the idiot." Me
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08-04-2017, 01:03 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Grande Prairie
Posts: 619
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaberTosser
Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
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Let's get back on topic.
A Scotsman on a horse.
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