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  #61  
Old 10-03-2013, 09:44 PM
rwm1273 rwm1273 is offline
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Heaven's Clerk

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.

She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely
dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for
her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I
began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man
and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab
onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came
rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I
fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up
I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He
apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest."
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  #62  
Old 10-03-2013, 10:01 PM
Kurt505 Kurt505 is offline
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Default Little Johnny wants a new bike

Little Johnny walks up to his dad one evening and say's " Dad, can you buy me a new bike?" Johnny's dad replies "No, I'm real sorry Johnny, your mothers not working right now, and the mortgage is $2400 a month, it's hard enough just to keep a roof over your head and food on the table.".

Next morning Johnny's dad is sitting at the kitchen table having a coffe and reading the morning paper, when down from the hallway comes Johnny, bags packed and heading for the door.

Johnny's dad says "what's with the bags, where are you off to?", Johnny stops, looks over at his dad and says "Look dad, I heard you and ma talking last night, I heard you say you were ready to go and then ma said just wait, she's gonna come too. Like hell if I'm staying here alone with a $2400 a month mortgage and no damn bike!".
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  #63  
Old 10-04-2013, 12:07 AM
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I met a french guy from Montreal visiting alberta, and he was tellling me like this....

Well, da firs day I was dere, my car, it breaks down. A farmer came and told me " You can stay at my place till da car it gets fixed."

so, da firs day I was dere with da farmer, we goes out to casterate the pigs. And da farmer, he cuts off da nuts and he takes the nuts in da house, an his wife makes them for supper. He said "we call 'em pig fries".
Then next day we go out and casterate the cattles, and again , the farmer, he cuts da balls off, takes dem to da house and his wife cooks dem up for supper. He says, "We call 'em cattle fries."

The next day I was coming down to breakfast and I hear da farmer asking his wife, " What we having for dinner Mabel?"

She says," Fish and french fries!" so I get da heck out of dere.
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  #64  
Old 10-04-2013, 12:23 AM
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A man died and went to heaven. St. Peter told him he had no room for such a soul, to please take the ladder down to hell.

The man went down the ladder and at the bottom a man with a black robe and hood came to greet him.

The gloomy figure said, in a soft gentle voice," Hello, You must be Johnny. I'm Lucifer. I heard you were coming. Come on and I will show you around."

As they walked they came to a beautiful meadow with warm sunshine and birds singing. There were lushious fruit trees and a crystal clear stream with fish, and animals roaming everwhere. Everywhere they went it was beautiful. A place full of blissful things.

Then they came to a deep chasm that had fire leaping out of it. They could hear wailing and moaning and crying coming from the deep fiery crack in the earth.

Johnny asked Lucifer."What is this fiery place?"

Lucifer replied,"Oh, this....this is for the christians. It's the only way they would have it."
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  #65  
Old 10-04-2013, 06:56 AM
bogey63 bogey63 is offline
 
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Default Newfie moose hunt

Two newfies are dragging a moose by the hind legs, the game warden sees them and says you will drag him easier byes if ya pull him by the harns.
They looked at each other and decided to give it a try.
By gar lad this works better, yes but we are getting farther away from the truck.
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  #66  
Old 10-04-2013, 08:33 AM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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What happened to the optometrist who fell into the glass grinder?
He made a spectacle of himself.


Then there was the Human Cannonball who lost his job with the circus.
They wanted a man of higher caliber.
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  #67  
Old 10-04-2013, 08:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
Johnny asked Lucifer."What is this fiery place?"

Lucifer replied,"Oh, this....this is for the christians. It's the only way they would have it."
Heh! Sadly, reminds me of one of our pastor's sermons...
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  #68  
Old 10-04-2013, 08:58 AM
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Probably the wrong crowd, but

There are 10 types of people in the world:
those who understand binary and those who don't.

ARG
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sjemac View Post
It has been scientifically proven that a 308 round will not leave your property -- they essentially fall dead at the fence line. But a 38 round, when fired from a handgun, will of its own accord leave your property and destroy any small schools nearby.
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  #69  
Old 10-04-2013, 09:54 AM
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Fred goes to the podiatrist with a nasty foot infection the doctor takes one look and goes for some medication comes back with a huge pill, "I’ll have a nurse bring you some water"
Fred was in pain and getting impatient he hopped over to the water fountain and forces the huge pill down.
A minute later a nurse walks in with a pail of hot water “okay now after the tablet dissolves soak your foot for an hour”
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  #70  
Old 10-04-2013, 09:58 AM
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Two peanuts were walking along a beach. One was a salted.
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  #71  
Old 10-04-2013, 11:11 AM
bosshog bosshog is offline
 
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I beleive this one was told a 5 year old girl on a radio contest for best joke.

Little Girl; "What kind of bees make Milk?

Radio Announcer: " I dunno, what kind?"

Little Girl: "Boo-bees!"
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  #72  
Old 10-04-2013, 12:56 PM
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Default Why Old Men Don't Get Hired

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a crap what you think."
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  #73  
Old 10-04-2013, 01:16 PM
nekred nekred is offline
 
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Statistics.... never tell the whole story....

After all 19/20 participants in a gang beating are uninjured....
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  #74  
Old 10-04-2013, 01:17 PM
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Whats the hardest thing about roller skating ?


Telling your parents your gay.
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  #75  
Old 10-04-2013, 02:38 PM
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Default Yes But...

Quote:
Originally Posted by nekred View Post
Statistics.... never tell the whole story....

After all 19/20 participants in a gang beating are uninjured....
They say 75% of all statistics are made up on the spot...
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  #76  
Old 10-04-2013, 03:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Au revoir, Gopher View Post
Probably the wrong crowd, but

There are 10 types of people in the world:
those who understand binary and those who don't.

ARG
Love it!
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  #77  
Old 10-04-2013, 03:13 PM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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A vicious, cruel mob hit man finally got his and went down to hell.

When he stepped into the Devil’s office, the Devil looked up from his desk and said, “Oh its you, is it? I’ve been expecting you”.
He came around the desk and then said, “You sent me a lot of dirty rotten scoundrels over the years and helped me with my quota, so I’ll give you a break. I’ll let you choose your Eternal Punishment. Come with me.”

They went down a long hall and the Devil opened a door. Inside was a lake of lava, full of millions of screaming, struggling people. Every time anyone climbed out of the lava, the Assistant Demons would push them back in with their tridents.
The hit man said, “No way! I don’t want that one!”

They went further down the hall, and the Devil opened another door. This room was a huge Medieval torture chamber. Millions of people were being burned with hot irons, whipped, and the pulled apart on ‘the rack’. Then their bodies would go back together and the torture would start all over again.
The hit man said, “Forget it! Not this either!”

Then they went down to a third door.
This room was a huge vat full of sewage, mostly human waste. In it were millions of people up to their necks, drinking coffee.
The hit man said, “I’ll take this one, if that’s OK”.

The Devil agreed, so he climbed in and stood up to his neck in the slop. The Devil gave him a cup of coffee, and went away.

He was in the vat, sipping his coffee, thinking that this isn’t too bad, grinning to himself about how he pulled a fast one on the Devil.

About 5 minutes later, a Demon came into the room, looked at his watch, and shouted, “All right everyone!! Coffee break’s over! Stand on your heads again!”
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  #78  
Old 10-04-2013, 03:56 PM
billie billie is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Au revoir, Gopher View Post
Probably the wrong crowd, but

There are 10 types of people in the world:
those who understand binary and those who don't.

ARG
Quote:
Originally Posted by nekred View Post
Statistics.... never tell the whole story....

After all 19/20 participants in a gang beating are uninjured....
Quote:
Originally Posted by TomE View Post
They say 75% of all statistics are made up on the spot...
And 5/4 of people don't understand fractions.
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  #79  
Old 10-04-2013, 03:59 PM
billie billie is offline
 
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How about one for the grand kids.

Q: What did the cannibal say after he ate the clown?
A: That tasted funny.....!
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  #80  
Old 10-04-2013, 04:09 PM
chuck0039 chuck0039 is offline
 
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Had this one emailed to me today.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Hunting picture.jpg (34.2 KB, 469 views)
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  #81  
Old 10-04-2013, 05:14 PM
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There are 2 types of people in the world:
those who can draw conclusions from incomplete data...


ARG
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In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sjemac View Post
It has been scientifically proven that a 308 round will not leave your property -- they essentially fall dead at the fence line. But a 38 round, when fired from a handgun, will of its own accord leave your property and destroy any small schools nearby.
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  #82  
Old 10-04-2013, 08:05 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, is it my turn to drive?
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  #83  
Old 10-04-2013, 09:35 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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Default kinda XXX-rated :)

It's Hell to be in your Seventies (70+)

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


A 79-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 79-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the damn jar open!
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  #84  
Old 10-05-2013, 08:52 AM
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tri777 tri777 is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrLeahy View Post
"..
'Yep, none of us could get the damn jar open!
*Complete Like*
Didn't see that ending coming!
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  #85  
Old 10-05-2013, 10:29 AM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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3 pages already! Looks like hunterbabe started something!

They're hilarious, and everyone I send 'em to agree, so keep 'em coming!

Copy and Paste is a wonderful thing, isn't it.
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  #86  
Old 10-05-2013, 12:11 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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Dirty Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way.
Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why're you wearin' your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children." Johnny says, "You should wear your frickin' trousers backwards."

=======================================

A guy's working at the lumber yard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers.
He goes to the Emergency Room. The doctor's says, "Yuk! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see
what I can do."
The guy says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, `you haven't got the fingers'? It's 2013. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made
you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
He says, "Well, ****, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

=========================================

A wealthy couple was going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler, Kirk, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came home early.
As she walked into the house she sees Kirk sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles.
"Kirk. Take off my dress." He does this carefully.
"Kirk. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her.
"Kirk. Remove my bra and panties." As he does this, the tension continues to mount.
She looks at him. "Kirk. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

=======================================

A farmer was out hunting one day, when all of a sudden, his gun misfired, and the shot hit him right in the arm. The farmer dropped his gun, and cradled the arm in his other arm. The shot arm was hanging on by a string.
He made his way back to the house, and had his wife drive him in to the country doctor.
He went to the doctor, and laid the arm gently down on the table. He looks the doc in the eyes, and says, "Okay, doc, I don't want any of that sleepin' stuff, and no Novocain, or pain killers. You just start sewin' on this arm best way you know how!"
Well, the doc starts stitching away. Even the doctor is wincing at every stitch. Finally, the doc can't take it anymore. He looks up at the farmer, and says, "Man, don't this hurt a lot?" Farmer says, "Yep, third worst pain I ever had in my life."
The doc jumps back. "Third worst pain you ever had in your life?! Here, you done near shot your arm off, and I'm here, stitchin' it up with no pain killers, or sleepin' stuff, and you're tellin' me this is only the third worst pain you ever had in your life? I know there can't be anything much worse than this!"
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc...try this one on for size. I was out a-huntin' one day, and I had to take me a mean dump. So I found me a clump of bushes, dropped my drawers, and backed up into them thar bushes when a bear trap snapped shut on my nuts!"
Doc says, "Oh my God! You had a bear trap snap shut on your nuts, and you're tellin' me that only the second worst pain you ever had in your life?! Now I KNOWS there cain't be nuthin' worse than that!"
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc, well you just try it when you're runnin and the slack in the chain runs out!"
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  #87  
Old 10-05-2013, 06:10 PM
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Redfrog Redfrog is offline
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The doctor said, ' Joe , the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
> bad news is that it will require castration.
>
> You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on
> your spine and the pressure creates one [beeep] of a headache. The only way
> to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
>
> Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
> for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
> hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but
> he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked
> down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He
> could make a new beginning and live a new life.
>
> He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new
> suit...'
>
> He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
>
> The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44
> long.'
>
> Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
>
> 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
>
> Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
>
> As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a
> new shirt?'
>
> Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
>
> The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
>
> Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
>
> 'Been in the business 60 years.'
>
> Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
>
> Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How
> about some new underwear?'
>
> Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
>
> The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
>
> Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
> years old.'
>
> The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
> press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
> [beeep] of a headache.' Second Opinion!
>
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  #88  
Old 10-05-2013, 06:50 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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Two hunters were hunting along opposite sides of a creek. After a few hours of walking one hunter noticed something move on the other side and quickly shot into the bush that was moving. He jumped through the creek and realized it was his buddy that was wounded. He quickly took his friend to the nearest hospital and waited to hear how his friend was.
"Do you think he will make it?" he asked the doctor.
The doctor replies," Well, he probably would have if you wouldn't have gutted him!"
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  #89  
Old 10-06-2013, 12:41 AM
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http://www.chonday.com/Videos/funny-...bmBN44QQ.email
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It isn't a question of who will allow me, but who will stop me.. Ayn Rand
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  #90  
Old 10-06-2013, 04:08 PM
Unregistered user Unregistered user is offline
 
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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a ****er. I **** on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I ****ed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "
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