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  #691  
Old 04-16-2019, 01:12 PM
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I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new 2019 F-150 platnium pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before I get too old. The salesperson a nice looking lady sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest.

She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck.

Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck. "I explained that if it were a LIBERAL truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!"

I had to walk back to the dealership, but it was worth it.
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  #692  
Old 04-18-2019, 09:26 AM
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Stranded Irishman
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?!?!"
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  #693  
Old 04-18-2019, 07:17 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50 HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar across from the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “ May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
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  #694  
Old 04-18-2019, 07:18 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
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  #695  
Old 04-24-2019, 10:40 AM
Bigwoodsman Bigwoodsman is offline
 
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Default I've had a few chuckles, my turn to share

The Red Head

Truedeau was looking for a call girl. (Since we know how much he respects women). He found such girls in a local pub in Ottawa. A blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

To the blonde he proclaimed I am the Prime Minister of Canada! Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied $200.00. To the brunette he asked the same question, and her reply was $100.00. He then asked the red head.

Her reply was Mr. Prime minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way you have the seniors.

Then you can have it for free, like the immigrants.

BW
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  #696  
Old 05-03-2019, 06:33 PM
HVA7mm HVA7mm is offline
 
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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know s**t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
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  #697  
Old 05-03-2019, 06:51 PM
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Billy Graham was returning home after a speaking engagement.

When his plane arrived at the airport, there was a long black limousine to transport him.

Just as he was about to get in the back of the limo, he stopped.

He whispered to the driver who was holding the door open for him. “You know” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”

The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”

Billy got into the driver’s seat and they headed out to the interstate.

Lurking behind an exit ramp a short distance from the airport, sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out in pursuit and easily caught the limo. He pulled up behind, and got out of his North Carolina State patrol car.

The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door. When the window was rolled down he was very surprised to see who was driving.

Trying desperately to maintain his professional attitude, he immediately excused himself and walked back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”

The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”

The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the President.”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”

The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”

The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”
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  #698  
Old 05-15-2019, 04:39 PM
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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
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  #699  
Old 05-16-2019, 10:51 PM
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So I’m driving down the road in a snow storm and I come across this car in the ditch. The second one of the day!

I approach the car and see a woman inside waiting patiently for help.

I said to the woman “ you’re the second pregnant woman that I’ve pulled out of the ditch today”

The woman looks quite offended and say “I’m not pregnant you a-hole”

I gladly respond to her “ You’re not out of the ditch yet either”
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  #700  
Old 05-17-2019, 08:21 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"

"That was a fine story Sarah. “Joey, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking.”
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  #701  
Old 05-18-2019, 08:23 AM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a
while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next
to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my
hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or
off it comes.' "

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
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  #702  
Old 05-18-2019, 08:24 AM
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GOODBYE MOM


A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
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  #703  
Old 05-18-2019, 12:05 PM
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Mona Lisa

When first painted

20 years later


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  #704  
Old 05-20-2019, 09:01 PM
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Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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  #705  
Old 05-20-2019, 09:02 PM
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  #706  
Old 05-20-2019, 09:02 PM
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  #707  
Old 05-23-2019, 03:25 PM
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scam alert
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  #708  
Old 05-24-2019, 07:57 AM
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What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?

Helsinki.
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  #709  
Old 05-31-2019, 09:32 AM
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THE FIRST TRIALS WITH ELECTRICAL AIRPLANES, THE GREENS ARE EXITED AND ARE DEMANDING THAT BY 2022 ALL AIRCRAFT ARE CONVERTED in the EU.
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  #710  
Old 05-31-2019, 09:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Davey Boy View Post
THE FIRST TRIALS WITH ELECTRICAL AIRPLANES, THE GREENS ARE EXITED AND ARE DEMANDING THAT BY 2022 ALL AIRCRAFT ARE CONVERTED in the EU.
Classic.
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  #711  
Old 06-01-2019, 08:54 AM
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Dakota. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in South Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
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  #712  
Old 06-01-2019, 09:49 AM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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Went to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first day after I got my new teeth, I talked for only eight minutes.
The second day, I talked for only ten minutes.
The following day, I talked for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
My mates had to mob me to get me to shut up and They asked me what happened.

I explained the first day my gums hurt so bad I couldn't Talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second day my gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes But, the third day, I put the wife's teeth in by mistake and I couldn't shut up...
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  #713  
Old 06-01-2019, 09:50 AM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"

The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.

A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.

The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.

The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"
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  #714  
Old 06-02-2019, 08:44 AM
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  #715  
Old 06-02-2019, 03:08 PM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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Irony
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  #716  
Old 06-02-2019, 06:26 PM
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Quote:
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Just get the towable model and never have to stop and recharge Again!!!!!

Colin
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  #717  
Old 06-02-2019, 08:45 PM
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  #718  
Old 06-02-2019, 09:13 PM
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What does Yoko Ono and Ethiopians have in common...............

They both live off dead Beatles.
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  #719  
Old 06-05-2019, 08:48 AM
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Default Communication problems......

A judge was interviewing a Tennessee woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"



"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."



"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"



"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.



"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"



"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."



The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"



"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one coz we don't have a car."



"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"



"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereos. We don't necessarily like the music

- all that hip hop and rap trap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."



"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"



"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."



The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"



"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"



Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?"



"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does.

The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
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  #720  
Old 06-06-2019, 07:35 AM
gevarm guy gevarm guy is offline
 
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Subject: Terrifying Holes In Our World

These holes are not only amazing, but some are really terrifying!
The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are..

Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa


Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1,097 meter

deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds, before being closed.

Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California


A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be

drained from the reservoir. It is the largest spillway of this type, in the world,

and consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water, every second.


Great Blue Hole , Belize


This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole is situated

60 miles off the mainland of Belize .

There are numerous blue holes around the world, but none as stunning as

this one.

Sinkhole in Guatemala


These photos are of a sinkhole that occurred in Guatemala .

The hole swallowed two homes and killed at least five people.





**** HOLE, Ottawa , Ontario , Canada



Annually, this hole swallows billions and billions of our Canadian Dollars!

The money that falls into this hole is never heard from again, by Canadians.

It is reported to be filled with at least 308 smaller holes called:'*******s'.
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