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  #211  
Old 12-24-2013, 03:49 PM
schmedlap schmedlap is offline
 
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Default Did you hear

About the new "Liberal Bucket" that KFC is offering? All left wings and *******s.
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  #212  
Old 12-25-2013, 12:21 PM
32-40win 32-40win is offline
 
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Default spouse vs horse

Husbands are less expensive to shoe.
Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.
A lame husband can still work.
A husband with a belly-ache doesn't have to be walked. Note .. this item prompted a response from someone else:

But if you've ever endured a husband who is rolling on the floor, screaming, and writhing in pain with a kidney stone at three in the morning, you know you can't put him down (and get away with it).

Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back.
They're better able to understand puns.
If they're playing hard to catch you *may* be able to run them down on foot.
They know their name.
They pay their own bills.
They apologize when they step on your toes.
No saddle fitting problems.
They seldom refuse to get in the vehicle.
They don't panic, yelling and running all through the house when you leave them alone. (unless you left the kids too)
For a nominal fee you can hire someone else to clip them.
They don't like the lady next door just as well as you just because she fed him 3 days straight.

THE HORSE'S ADVANTAGE

If they don't work out you can sell them.
They don't come with in-laws.
You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
You never have to iron their saddle pads.
If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.
They smell good when they sweat.
You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".
You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.
They don't want their turn at the computer.
They turn white with age, but not bald.
They've never *heard* of PMS.
They learn to accept restraint.
They love to go trail riding.
They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.

Good things about wives.

Your wife can feed herself if you have to leave town.
You can (usually) kiss your wife's neck without worrying about getting your feet stepped on.
You can shop for a new car without worrying about whether it's powerful enough to haul your wife.
If you call in sick at work to stay home and play with your wife, there's very little risk of serious injury that will be tough to explain to the boss the next day.
Your wife won't go roll in the mud right before an occasion when she needs to look her best.
Your wife can groom herself much better than you can.
Bathing your wife can be much more entertaining than bathing your horse, and doesn't require tying her up (unless you're into that).
If your wife loses a shoe, you can be pretty sure she has plenty of replacements in the closet.
Your wife's mane doesn't need to be pulled.
If your wife runs away from you, you don't care whether she gets hurt.

THE HORSE'S ADVANTAGE

Horses are less expensive to shoe. They'll happily wear the same set for weeks.
Horses are less expensive to clip, and one clip job may last all winter.
Your horse won't constantly ask you if his blanket makes his butt look big.
Your horse won't worry about whether his shoes match his saddle.
Your horse won't complain if you occasionally ride a different one.
You have more options for working out your horse's behavioral problems.
Your horse won't sulk if you forget his birthday.
Your horse's farts make yours seem like no big deal.
Your horse won't tell all his friends about every little mistake you make.
Your horse won't constantly nag you to redecorate the barn.
If your horse runs away from you, you can usually get him back.
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  #213  
Old 12-25-2013, 12:45 PM
rwm1273 rwm1273 is offline
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A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
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  #214  
Old 12-26-2013, 10:41 AM
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A Little Known Hockey Fact


The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is just as important as their balls.
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  #215  
Old 12-26-2013, 06:23 PM
rwm1273 rwm1273 is offline
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With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.



As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.



That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.



Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.



This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
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  #216  
Old 12-26-2013, 06:31 PM
rwm1273 rwm1273 is offline
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A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.





Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it .



One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:



A Bible A Silver Dollar A bottle of Jack Daniels And a Playboy magazine.



'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'



'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!



'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.



'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.



'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'



The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.



The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.



Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.



'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's going to be the next mayor of Toronto!'
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  #217  
Old 12-27-2013, 10:51 AM
rwm1273 rwm1273 is offline
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Dear Tech Support:



Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________



REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support
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  #218  
Old 12-27-2013, 06:34 PM
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British humor- ABSOLUTELY POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND HILARIOUS
>
>
> Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..
> They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
> ============================================
> During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
> A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
> =============================================
> Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
> =============================================
> I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
> How could anyone stoop so low.
> =============================================
> I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor
> balcony shaking a carpet.
> I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"
> =============================================
> A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
>
> He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
> Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
>
> "Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
>
> "No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that
> rises into the clouds.
>
> Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
>
> He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
>
> "No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
>
> Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
>
> Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
>
> "No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
>
> Mohammed higher than Jesus!
>
> The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
> Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
>
> "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his
> climbing.
>
> "No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
>
> "Yes, please, my Lord."
>
> God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
>
> "Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"
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  #219  
Old 12-28-2013, 01:01 AM
32-40win 32-40win is offline
 
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Default divorce is so sad!!

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings

into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.


They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents,
and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
Their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
Return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... But only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......


And to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
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  #220  
Old 01-05-2014, 10:25 AM
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PUNOGRAPHY

• I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
now a seasoned veteran.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

• This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

• PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

• I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

• I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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  #221  
Old 01-05-2014, 10:27 AM
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Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Newfoundland. She said that since early this morning the snow has gotten nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

Her concern is that if the storm gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.
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  #222  
Old 01-06-2014, 09:18 PM
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HOW TO
SAVE THE AIRLINES
<image001.jpg>
Dump the
male flight attendants. No one wanted them in
the first place....

Replace all the
female flight attendants with good-looking
strippers! What the hell -- they don't even
serve food anymore, so what's the
loss?

The strippers would at least triple
the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere'
going in the cabin. And, of course, every
businessman in this country would start flying
again, hoping to see naked women.

Because
of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't
need a salary, thus saving even more money. I
suspect tips would be so good that we could
charge the women for working the plane and have
them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap
dances and 'special services.'

Muslims
would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a
screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues.

This is definitely a
win-win situation if we handle it right -- a
golden opportunity to turn a liability into an
asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything
myself?

Sincerely,

Rob Ford
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  #223  
Old 01-06-2014, 10:02 PM
Burglecut83 Burglecut83 is offline
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Default Best joke ever

Mtngiant
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  #224  
Old 01-06-2014, 11:28 PM
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3blade 3blade is offline
 
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Her: will you still love me if I get fat?
Me: your in great shape, I'm not worried bout it
Her: but what if I do, like after kids?
Me: that's no excuse for growin ass blubber, besides you have a treadmill I have handcuffs, that'll take care of the prob...BANG...and that's why I won't teach you to shoo...BANG...for f sakes...BANG!
Her: OUCH look what you did!
Me: it's my fault a shell casing burned your forehead while trying to kill me?!?
Her: you're being a dick
Me: no I have one and if you learned what to do with it we would both be happie..BANG

Later..
Clerk: "Another box of blanks! you know she's gonna figure it out one day"
Me: you don't have much experience with blondes do ya
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  #225  
Old 01-07-2014, 06:20 PM
FishingMOM FishingMOM is offline
 
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  #226  
Old 01-09-2014, 06:37 PM
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Funny video, caution- bad language.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-glHAzXi_M
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  #227  
Old 01-09-2014, 07:26 PM
Bearbreath Bearbreath is offline
 
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There once was a farmer who had three daughters and they were all going on there first dates on the same day.

The farmer, being the protective father that he is, decided to meet each suitor at the front door with a shotgun.

Later that afternoon the door bell rang, the farmer answered the door and the young man said 'Hi my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to a show is she ready to go?

The farmer thought he looked harmless and sent them on there way.

Soon after, the door bell rang again. The farmer answered the door and the lad said 'Hi my name's Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going to get some spaghetti is she ready?

The farmer looked him up and down and thought he's alright and sent the kids on their way.

The door bell rang again. The farmer answered the door and the boy said 'Hi my name's Chuck. And the farmer shot him.
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  #228  
Old 01-12-2014, 02:39 PM
rwm1273 rwm1273 is offline
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"
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  #229  
Old 01-12-2014, 03:33 PM
gerby gerby is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bearbreath View Post
There once was a farmer who had three daughters and they were all going on there first dates on the same day.

The farmer, being the protective father that he is, decided to meet each suitor at the front door with a shotgun.

Later that afternoon the door bell rang, the farmer answered the door and the young man said 'Hi my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to a show is she ready to go?

The farmer thought he looked harmless and sent them on there way.

Soon after, the door bell rang again. The farmer answered the door and the lad said 'Hi my name's Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going to get some spaghetti is she ready?

The farmer looked him up and down and thought he's alright and sent the kids on their way.

The door bell rang again. The farmer answered the door and the boy said 'Hi my name's Chuck. And the farmer shot him.
funny as ****
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  #230  
Old 01-12-2014, 04:35 PM
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Zip-in-Z Zip-in-Z is offline
 
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Ice Fishing the brunette way

A brunette wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,


"THERE ARE - NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the brunette moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,


"THERE ARE - NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


The brunette, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.


The voice came once more,


"THERE ARE - NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


She stopped, looked skyward! and haltingly said,


"IS THAT YOU LORD?"


The voice replied,


"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"




.
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  #231  
Old 01-13-2014, 09:36 AM
RBI RBI is offline
 
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All ready done # 207
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  #232  
Old 01-13-2014, 09:58 AM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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One day a lawyer, a doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.

The lawyer said, "Adam and Eve couldn't have lived in the Garden of Eden without some rules, and the Bible tells us that God told them what to do and not to do. So law came first."

The doctor said, "Nope! Before then, God created Eve from Adam's rib - a surgical procedure."

The engineer said, "But earlier still, God brought order out of chaos, obviously an engineering job."

The politician said, "You're all wrong! Who do you think made the chaos?"
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  #233  
Old 01-13-2014, 10:48 AM
nekred nekred is offline
 
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How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she fits into your wife's clothes
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  #234  
Old 01-14-2014, 03:30 PM
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A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry.

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
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  #235  
Old 01-14-2014, 09:18 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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One day, Jesus was walking by the Pearly Gates, when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.

“How did you spend your life on earth my son?” asked Jesus.

“I was a simple carpenter for sixty years” replied the old man.

“And what do you hope to find here in heaven” asked Jesus.

“I hope to find my son” said the man

“Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?”

“I’ll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet,” states the old man.

Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, “Father???”

The old man looks at Jesus and says, “Pinocchio?"
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  #236  
Old 01-14-2014, 09:20 PM
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A minister was completing a sermon on the evils of alcohol.
With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!” With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!” Caught up in the fervor of the moment, he shook his fist heavenward, and bellowed, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!” His sermon completed, the minister sat down to catch his breath.

The cantor stood, and trying hard to keep a straight face, announced “For our closing hymn, let us sing #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.'
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  #237  
Old 01-15-2014, 03:02 PM
Dr. Phil A Dr. Phil A is offline
 
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While vacationing on a ranch, Paul Martin gets thrown from his horse, lands on a rattlesnake, gets bitten and dies because the emergency room at the nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Martin. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself. He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But, I've already made up my mind, I want to be in Heaven," replied Martin". "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it is his Dad, and thousands of other Liberals who had helped him out over the years---Pierre Trudeau, Jean Marchand, Pelletier, St Laurent etc. The whole of the "center Left" was there, everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Martin with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Paul!" "Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Martin, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" Martin takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes like himself, and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like they pulled on the GST and Free Trade promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Martin steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven,"the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Martin is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Pierre Trudeau never prepared me for this!" The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Martin reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste, kind of like Sudbury. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Martin and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Martin, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank booze. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!". The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"
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  #238  
Old 01-16-2014, 04:03 PM
rwm1273 rwm1273 is offline
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You know the romance has died when...

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me asip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her in reply: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
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  #239  
Old 01-16-2014, 04:04 PM
rwm1273 rwm1273 is offline
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One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when, suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, Well, he’s certainly not my husband.

As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, He’s not my husband either.

He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. Wait a minute, she says. He’s not even a member of this country club.
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  #240  
Old 01-16-2014, 04:13 PM
rwm1273 rwm1273 is offline
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.

Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says...
"You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"
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