Best Man Blues, what to do?

Bushleague · #1 03-12-2016, 10:58 PM

So a buddy of mine asked me to be his best man a few months back, the timing was absolutely terrible but because he's a bit of a loner and I figured he had no one else I said yes. The wedding will take place on my daughter's birthday, while I am doing trade school for two months out of town, the weekend before my collage, provincial AIT, and Red Seal final exams... not to mention the 12-14 hour round trip it will take to get from where I am attending school to where the wedding is.

So here's the thing, it turns out he's got 5 other groomsmen coming, and coming up on a month to go him and his fiancé are starting to call me up and make all sorts of other demand, yes demands, of me. They demand that I find a way to skip classes to make it down early for rehersals, they want to micro manage the location of my suit pickup but be pre-embersed for the rental etc... just basically making a tough situation worse. At this point I'm making a huge sacrifice just to be there, even worse, my family is taking a hit for me to go, and its apparently still not enough... Very seriously considering backing out, not sure how big of a dick this would make me, not really sure that I should care at this point, give me some opinions boys.

troutbug · #2 03-12-2016, 11:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bushleague

So a buddy of mine asked me to be his best man a few months back, the timing was absolutely terrible but because he's a bit of a loner and I figured he had no one else I said yes. The wedding will take place on my daughter's birthday, at a point while I am doing trade school for two months out of town, the weekend before my provincial, AIT, and Red Seal final exam... not to mention the 12-14 hour round trip it will take to get from where I am attending school to where the wedding is.

So here's the thing, it turns out he's got 5 other groomsmen coming, and coming up on a month to go him and his fiancé are starting to call me up and make all sorts of other demand, yes demands, of me. They demand that I find a way to skip classes to make it down early for rehersals, they want to micro manage the location of my suit pickup but be pre-embersed for the rental etc... just basically making a really tough situation worse. At this point I'm making a huge sacrifice just to be there, even worse, my family is taking a hit for me to go, and its apparently still not enough... Very seriously considering backing out, not sure how big of a dick this would make me, not really sure that I should care at this point, give me some opinions boys.

Look after your needs first. You are in your last bit of schooling. Messing that up will not be worth it as it buggers with your career.

If he cannot understand that schooling is very important then he should not be considered a friend

HowSwedeItIs · #3 03-12-2016, 11:08 PM

That's a tough one, my gut reaction would be to tell them off but I think the honourable thing to do would be to maintain your commitment to doing it. You should also, however, let them know that you're taking on a lot of pressure to do this for them and you're going to do it your own way. Tell them you really can't take the time off to do the rehearsal (how hard is it for them to have a stand in right?) and you can handle picking up your suit. If they don't like it they can find someone else

That way you remain a man of your word but put yourself under minimal strain- or even get out of it altogether!

Big Red 250 · #4 03-12-2016, 11:13 PM

He doesn't sound like much of a friend that I would want to have. Explain to him what's happening in your life, whats important to you and your family comes first. Then kick him to the curb. Don't sound like him and her are being considerate of you, they are only thinking of themselves.

TBark · #5 03-12-2016, 11:22 PM

Likely your buddy's fiancé doing all the demanding.
Like you, he just has to stand there too, ha.
Heck, I had a Tee time the morning of my wedding, ha.
You will work it out I'm sure.

TBark

sureshot · #6 03-12-2016, 11:24 PM

If he is a true friend he will understand I backed out of my buddies wedding party last year he understood when I explained my reasoning.

Crankbait · #7 03-12-2016, 11:37 PM

everyone has a smartphone, so tell them to do the rehearsal with a stand-in and have someone film it and send you the vid so you know how to walk from point a to point b. the only way I can see the filming of the rehearsal being a problem is if they plan on getting married in a cornfield maze.

Crankbait · #8 03-12-2016, 11:39 PM

if that fails, tell him you have a crush on his soon to be and you don't think you'll be able to handle the awkwardness of it all.

220swifty · #9 03-12-2016, 11:40 PM

Sounds like a typical best man gig to me....

Bushleague · #10 03-12-2016, 11:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crankbait

everyone has a smartphone, so tell them to do the rehearsal with a stand-in and have someone film it and send you the vid so you know how to walk from point a to point b. the only way I can see the filming of the rehearsal being a problem is if they plan on getting married in a cornfield maze.

Lol I actually don't own a smart phone, I borrow my wife's whatever it is ( dumb phone?) for the duration of school so I can call her. Havnt owned a cell phone since I got out of the oil patch.

drhu22 · #11 03-12-2016, 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bushleague

So a buddy of mine asked me to be his best man a few months back, the timing was absolutely terrible but because he's a bit of a loner and I figured he had no one else I said yes. The wedding will take place on my daughter's birthday, while I am doing trade school for two months out of town, the weekend before my collage, provincial AIT, and Red Seal final exams... not to mention the 12-14 hour round trip it will take to get from where I am attending school to where the wedding is.
So here's the thing, it turns out he's got 5 other groomsmen coming, and coming up on a month to go him and his fiancé are starting to call me up and make all sorts of other demand, yes demands, of me. They demand that I find a way to skip classes to make it down early for rehersals, they want to micro manage the location of my suit pickup but be pre-embersed for the rental etc... just basically making a tough situation worse. At this point I'm making a huge sacrifice just to be there, even worse, my family is taking a hit for me to go, and its apparently still not enough... Very seriously considering backing out, not sure how big of a dick this would make me, not really sure that I should care at this point, give me some opinions boys.

Just tell them straight up... if they want you to make it, they will have to compromise. PERIOD

There might be room for compromise on your part if you can join birthday and wedding celebrations somehow. It seems like it would make for a good birthday party for your daughter to celebrate together with a wedding.

Crankbait · #12 03-12-2016, 11:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bushleague

Lol I actually don't own a smart phone, I borrow my wife's whatever it is ( dumb phone?) for the duration of school so I can call her. Havnt owned a cell phone since I got out of the oil patch.

chances are they have one and can send it to your email or get them to post it on ao general discussion so we can all see it and then tell you how to go thru the paces all the whilst telling you how to properly handle a fish and properly mount a scope, how to make a proper left hand turn and might even ask you what school has the best power engineering courses.

Bushleague · #13 03-13-2016, 12:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crankbait

chances are they have one and can send it to your email or get them to post it on ao general discussion so we can all see it and then tell you how to go thru the paces all the whilst telling you how to properly handle a fish and properly mount a scope, how to make a proper left hand turn and might even ask you what school has the best power engineering courses.

Too true, I once got the clearances for a valve set on an Arrow C-106 popper off here. Couldn't find them anywhere else... good old AO has the answers to all of life's toughest questions.

RandyBoBandy · #14 03-13-2016, 12:22 AM

Good grief..your career will last you a lifetime..they're marriage will last 7-10 yrs...easy choice mate

58thecat · #15 03-13-2016, 07:24 AM

Don't talk to the bride to be go directly to your buddy and explain all the situation, go from there, take care of yourself first and if he understands that then he is a true buddy, if not move on...

pitw · #16 03-13-2016, 08:13 AM

Do what you can live with as it ain't up to anyone else.

JustBen · #17 03-13-2016, 08:19 AM

Life is too short to worry about the little things.

CaberTosser · #18 03-13-2016, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrLeahy

Good grief..your career will last you a lifetime..they're marriage will last 7-10 yrs...easy choice mate

<------ This. Your schooling/career & family obligations supersede what they want for the big day. I recall doing all kinds of things and spending all kinds of dough on best man duties, gifts and stag party arrangements for buddies marriages that didn't last all that long. Your career is more important than their desires for a complex ceremony featuring all kinds of sacrifices made by others. Would they even do the same for you if requested?

Kim473 · #19 03-13-2016, 08:43 AM

Just tell him the things going on with you and tell him that you can't be best man and you will try to make it to the wedding. Sooner is better.

kingrat · #20 03-13-2016, 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kim473

Just tell him the things going on with you and tell him that you can't be best man and you will try to make it to the wedding. Sooner is better.

X2 if he's a true friend you want to keep he'll understand

rocpilefsj · #21 03-13-2016, 09:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 220swifty

Sounds like a typical best man gig to me....

Yup lol. Suit fittings, rehearsal dinners, bachelor parties, being on call 24/7 for the bride or groom, therapist, referee, wedding coordinator, speech giver, etc. If it was going to be too much for you then you should have declined originally, not a month before the wedding. With that being said check with the groom, women sometimes turn into bridezilla and tend to go a little overboard.

reddeerhunter · #22 03-13-2016, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rocpilefsj

Yup lol. Suit fittings, rehearsal dinners, bachelor parties, being on call 24/7 for the bride or groom, therapist, referee, wedding coordinator, speech giver, etc. If it was going to be too much for you then you should have declined originally, not a month before the wedding. With that being said check with the groom, women sometimes turn into bridezilla and tend to go a little overboard.

Referee and therapist. Awesome.

big zeke · #23 03-13-2016, 09:39 AM

He is probably going thru hell right now, wedding planning is very stressful and he is just passing on the stress, probably unintentionally. If you back out he is in a tough spot, he might not even recognize that yet.

Let him know you need his help to balance off his requests against everything else in your life. Get him to help you plan out how you'll be able to help remain in the wedding party. Go item by item over his "demands" and plan out everything (sounds like it's right up his alley with the micro manage thing) emphasizing your constraints. He may have no clue about everything else in your life.

If you walk out now you'll probably never hear from him again, and it's a bit of a douche thing to do with a month to go. Skipping a rehearsal is no big deal BTW, you literally stand there and ogle the bridesmaids.

TEJ · #24 03-13-2016, 10:03 AM

Schooling comes first, it'll be with yow forever. If he's a friend that will come around too.

Bushleague · #25 03-13-2016, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rocpilefsj

Yup lol. Suit fittings, rehearsal dinners, bachelor parties, being on call 24/7 for the bride or groom, therapist, referee, wedding coordinator, speech giver, etc. If it was going to be too much for you then you should have declined originally, not a month before the wedding. With that being said check with the groom, women sometimes turn into bridezilla and tend to go a little overboard.

Exactly why I didn't tell him to eff off until I had thought it over. I knew it was going to be a tough go when I agreed to it. The thing is, he knows what I am struggling with to be involved and doesn't seem to care at this point. I get good grades in trade school and can afford the stress and distraction going into finals, but he doesn't know that which is something of an aggravation in light of his behaviour. I realise it probably has a lot to do with the bride but that doesn't make my situation any easyer.

I think I'll lay down a compromise and if she cant live with that then its on him.

CaberTosser · #26 03-13-2016, 10:17 AM

I turned down my oldest pal over an invite to his wedding, they booked for one of those destinations where everyone flies down and stays at the same resort, which throws in the wedding arrangements in return for their getting so many guests to spend money there. The guy owed me money then and he owes me money to this day and I told him straight out that it was a crock of poop to expect me to subsidize his wedding, which is really what those destination weddings amount to. Had I been in position to afford the trip and if he didn't owe me I would have gone, but no freaking way would I attend under those circumstances. If you're not clear with 'the house' you really can't afford to run off on holiday even if it is your wedding, that's not a time-sensitive emergency by any means. If you really plan on spending your life together then does it matter what date the anniversary is? His actions severely damaged the friendship but there's some BS you just can't overlook, with morals like that is it really a loss? Sadly it still seems like one though........

^v^Tinda wolf^v^ · #27 03-13-2016, 10:56 AM

I wouldn't miss any school for anything, I think it was three days max on time missed before they can boot you. The final year and red seal is most important,get them to send you a video of the rehearsal if it's that important to them. I hear you about the brides enthusiasm, when I got married it was all I heard about for a year straight. Boo

troutbug · #28 03-13-2016, 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ^v^Tinda wolf^v^

I wouldn't miss any school for anything, I think it was three days max on time missed before they can boot you. The final year and red seal is most important,get them to send you a video of the rehearsal if it's that important to them. I hear you about the brides enthusiasm, when I got married it was all I heard about for a year straight. Boo

Im in trades school right now and they do not allow many missed hours, its not even days anymore. One guy did not show up until 10am 2 days in a row and that was enough for the head chair to pull him out and warn him he is on the verge of being booted.

Robins36 · #29 03-13-2016, 11:02 AM

Family comes first, work comes second. Friends are third in my books. Work affects family, friends shouldn't affect work or family. Being a tradesman, school frowns on anyone missing time from class. I had a buddy miss 1 day for his grandmothers funeral and he told the instructors ahead of time that the day would be missed and they still had to have the talk with him about missing class time.

fish_e_o · #30 03-13-2016, 11:06 AM

You committed to do it did you think you'd just show up and look pretty? We're you not aware that there are rehearsals before weddings?

go talk to your Prof and tell him the scenario and ask what you can do to keep up to date and do what you signed on to do.