Joke time

[Gerry]

Twin bother were named Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, mistaking him for John.
She said to him, "I'm sorry for your great loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe said, "Oh, hell no. Fact is I'm sorta glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing her water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. The hole got bigger every time I used her, she leaked like crazy and it got to be too hard to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was these four tough guys who rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyway. The damned fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl. While they were trying to get into their various positions, she split right up the middle!"
The old woman fainted.

[Gerry]

We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news: The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions.
Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella's mouth drops open and she says, "You must be crazy! I'm on the pill and I don't need to wear a diaphragm." The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm.
"Well, what's the second condition?" Cinderella asked. The fairy godmother replies, "You must be back home at 2:00 A.M." Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2 A.M., then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin, and reminds her that at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella
agrees to be home at 2 A.M.
At 2 A.M, Cinderella doesn't show up....3 A.M., no Cinderella...4 A.M., no Cinderella...Finally, at 5 A.M., Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face. The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, "Where the heck have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!"
Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name, to which she replies, "I can't remember, but it was Peter, Peter, something or other..."

[Gerry]

A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a second".
"Hmmm", the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God. can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."

[stuckincity]

Originally Posted by Gerry

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.


A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report
it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

I gotta pass these around!

[bloopbloob]

A toothless termite walks into a tavern.
He asks, where's the bar tender?.....

[Gerry]

A couple had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, "why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"
He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.
Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "you know dear, I've been thinking it over and I see no reason why we couldn't manage a month long cruise so we could relax and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young."
He smiled, turned around and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms.
Upon returning back home his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on her face.
"Max, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the world."
"I'll be right back," he said.
Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Mr. Wojohowitz sheepishly ordered 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.
The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order then passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr. Wojohowitz, you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, WHY DO YOU DO IT!"

[Gerry]

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

[Gerry]

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in daughter’s bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!!"

[Gerry]

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium --he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

[stuckincity]

When I visited England I was sitting in a pub a small village on the west coast.
There were two very large, very obese women sitting two tables away talking to each other.
I thought I heard a Irish accent and I always wanted to visit that country and was thinking of going over. But I wanted to learn something about that country first, so I thought I'd ask them.
I went up to their table and said, "Excuse me but are you two ladies from Ireland?"

They glared at me, obviously man-hating feminists, and one said in a real obnoxious voice:

"Wales! you f##@&& ole, WALES!"
I said, "Oh I'm sorry, I apologize. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's all I remember.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women growing older.

[tacomama]

Absolutely hilarious....

If "Real People" Commercials were Real Life - CHEVY Millennials
https://youtu.be/15iLHlJPp_0

If "Real People" Commercials were Real Life - Chevy Equinox Valet AD
https://youtu.be/L4eJa_dcGmM

If "Real People" Commercials Were Real Life - CHEVY Hatch
https://youtu.be/9-M5xg2Uyxw

If "Real People" Commercials Were Real Life - CHEVY Malibu Ad
https://youtu.be/xTfS0nAgfuE

[Bigwoodsman]

What do you get when you cross a ginger with a Jamaican?

A gingerbreadmon!

BW

[Red Bullets]

2 cannibals drive up to a gas station, one points to the attendant and says to his buddy, "don't eat those guys, they give you gas!"

[Red Bullets]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fxnzlXFLd8

[Okotok]

Originally Posted by bloopbloob

A toothless termite walks into a tavern.
He asks, where's the bar tender?.....

A baby seal walks into a club. Just gets hammered!

[bat119]

Originally Posted by Okotok

A baby seal walks into a club. Just gets hammered!

A baby seal walks into a bar "I'll have a whiskey"
what kind of whiskey ?
anything but a Canadian club

[^v^Tinda wolf^v^]

https://youtu.be/T5ei9nEWfyU Old but funny!

[Red Bullets]

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve string here!" The string leaves so frustrated he ties himself all up in knots and rubs his ends raw. He decided to go in and reason with the bartender. At the bar the bartender pipes up " Hey, Aren't you the same string that was in here an hour ago?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

[Red Bullets]

..

[Red Bullets]

The Captain of a German ship crossing the Atlantic all of a sudden heard a voice on the two way radio. He heard a distressed voice say, " We are sinking. We are sinking."

The German captain radioed back, "Vhat are you sinking about?"

[Red Bullets]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Red Bullets]

It's only when a man sees a mosquito landing on his testicles that he realizes that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

[German]

Here’s a good joke. https://twitter.com/billdagg/status/...826522112?s=12 Hopefully the link works.

[RandyBoBandy]

Bought a deodorant stick today...

It said 'remove top and push up bottom' I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely.

[RandyBoBandy]

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender greets him and says, "for 5 bucks, I'll show you something amazing."

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

"Wow he's amazing. Where did you get him!?!"

He bartender replied, "there is a genie on the corner, he'll grant you one wish."

The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, "I want a million bucks!"

All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky.

The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, "what's wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!"

The bartender shakes his head and says, "He's hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[tri777]

Originally Posted by RandyBoBandy

..the bartender shakes his head and says, "He's hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?.."

LOL..not many jokes actually make me audibly laugh aloud,
That was a dandy Randy!

[Red Bullets]

So I asked my 95 year old Grandfather," After 74 years of marriage you still call grandmother Darling and Sweetie. What's the secret?"

He replied," I forgot her name 5 years ago but and too scared to ask her!"

[bat119]

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

So I asked my 95 year old Grandfather," After 74 years of marriage you still call grandmother Darling and Sweetie. What's the secret?"

He replied," I forgot her name 5 years ago but and too scared to ask her!"

Thanks for the laugh this morning

[stuckincity]

And then there was the proctologist who came home dead tired after a hard day at the orifice.

[elkhunter11]

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking, Isn’t that obvious?

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day, ma’am,” the game warden replied, and he left.