Joke time

[hunterbabe]

bored... anyone tell me jokes lol

["No Choke"Lord Walsingham]

There was an old-timer Coybow who came to believe that gunpowder would make a most excellent curative measure and be very good for heatlh and longevity as well as a blessing from the Lord and great to ensure prime virility. He truly believed eating gunpowder would ensure a man would make a big mark on the world. As such, at breakfast each mourning he'd take a pinch of gunpowder with his cereal.

This Gentleman lived for many, many moons and passed way gracefully, full of years. He left behind a strong legacy propogated by his 11 children (all born of his Wife, his one true love)... He also left a VERY big hole on the crematorium wall!

[hunterbabe]

Originally Posted by "No Choke"Lord Walsingham

There was an old-timer Coybow who came to believe that gunpowder would make a most excellent curative measure and be very good for heatlh and longevity as well as a blessing from the Lord and great to ensure prime virility. He truly believed eating gunpowder would ensure a man would make a big mark on the world. As such, at breakfast each mourning he'd take a pinch of gunpowder with his cereal.

This Gentleman lived for many, many moons and passed way gracefully, full of years. He left behind a strong legacy propogated by his 11 children (all born of his Wife, his one true love)... He also left a VERY big hole on the crematorium wall!

lol

[Red Bullets]

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel on his pants.
The bartender asks, "what's with the wheel?"
The pirate says, "Arrr! It drives me nuts!"

[Red Bullets]

think I saw this on another thread.

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering all
these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.

"When white man found this land, Indians were running it."
"No taxes."
"No debt."

"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."

"Women did all the work."
"Medicine man free."

"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
"All night having sex."

Then Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think
he could improve system like that."

[Red Bullets]

I spoke to my mother today and told her I think I am adopted...because I think I look swedish or scandinavian. I always thought I was different than the family somehow.

She replied, "你是白如水稻"!

[hunterbabe]

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

think I saw this on another thread.

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering all
these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.

"When white man found this land, Indians were running it."
"No taxes."
"No debt."

"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."

"Women did all the work."
"Medicine man free."

"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
"All night having sex."

Then Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think
he could improve system like that."

ya thats a good one

[mooseburger]

Originally Posted by hunterbabe

bored... anyone tell me jokes lol

An old guy was walking by a blacksmiths shop, and being curious decided to go in for a look around, said good morning to the smitty and asked if it was ok to check out some of the stuff laying around, Smitty replied ok but be carefull, some of the stuff in here cause cuts burns n stuff, the old guy replied no problem I been around too long to worry about that stuff,Smitty says ok. The old guy starts looking, picking things up laying them back down,picking things up laying them back down, until he comes to a horseshoe the Smitty had just finished working, old guy picks the Hot horseshoe up, and immediately throws it down,Smitty says Hot? Old guy says NO.. it just don't take me long to look at a horseshoe.

[Fisherpeak]

Two guys walking down the street see a big ugly black dog licking his balls
One guy says"Gee.I wish I could do that!"
His buddy says"I think you better pat him first"

[stuckincity]

Lie Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man.

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life,” St. Peter informed him.

“Where’s David Suzuki's clock?”

“His clock is in Jesus’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

[Fish along]

Originally Posted by stuckincity

Lie Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man.T:sHa_shak lol

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life,” St. Peter informed him.

“Where’s David Suzuki's clock?”

“His clock is in Jesus’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

THIS IS A GOOD ONE

[leeaspell]

***Newfie Job Interview



An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir, he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea" said the Newfie.

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Newfie. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I crapped myself!

[Au revoir, Gopher]

[stuckincity]

Originally Posted by Au revoir, Gopher

What will YOU drive?

[norwestalta]

Lenard goes to the doctor and the doc asked"what can I help you with today?"
Lenard replied" my penis is orange"
Doc has a look and asked"can you tell me about your daily routine?"
Lenard replied" well doc I sit around the house eating cheesies and watching porn"

[stuckincity]

How do you get a sweet old lady to say the "F" word.
Get another sweet old lady to yell "BINGO!"

[Rumtan]

Peter and James have been friends for more than sixty years. One day Peter says, "James, let's make a pact: whoever dies first will try to come back and tell the other what heaven's like."
They both agree, but none too soon, because the next day James is done in by a sudden heart attack.
Six months later, just when Pete is giving up any hope of hearing from his friend, a voice wakes him up in the middle of the night.
"James, is that you?" Peter asks in amazement.
"You're right, you're not wrong," James answers....
"Well, tell me. What's it like?"
"You wouldn't believe it. All day long, all we do is eat and screw. We get up in the morning, eat breakfast, and screw, then we eat lunch and screw until dinner. After dinner we screw some more. We screw until we pass out, then we wake up and screw some more," James explains.
"Holy crap!" exclaims Peter. "If that's heaven, I can't wait to die!"
"Who said anything about heaven?" a perplexed James replies. "I'm in Nevada and I'm a rabbit."

[fargoni]

Cold nights are a bit warmer if you are with your love partner, and a lot merrier if you set him/her on fire.

[stuckincity]

Just got this in a email a few minutes ago....


Your funny for the day.

Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau attended the Assembly of First Nations annual summer meeting in Whitehorse.
Trudeau said he wasn’t there to speak to the chiefs but to listen. Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Liberal Party back into the hearts of the Canadian people, and how he was going to legalize marijuana, and the many ways that he was going to help the First Nations.
At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd cheered wildly, and then the head of the First Nations Band presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very proud and pleased Justin then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter from CBC later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Justin Trudeau .
They explained that 'Walking Eagle' is the name given to a bird so full of shxxxxxxx that it can no longer fly.

[Speckler]

You might be a redneck if... Your pocket knife is sharper than you are.

[Speckler]

What does the sign read above the toilet paper roll?

Drtwallers ticket!

[Strix]

Chester and Earl are going hunting.
Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog"?
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him".
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.
The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home,
tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f-----g ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".

[Red Bullets]

[nekred]

why was the blonde's belly button all bruised?




...... Blonde Boyfriend.....

[Mayhem]

What kind of bees give the best milk?
Boo-Bees

What's wrinkled and hangs out your underwear?
Your mother

What should you do if you're not feeling yourself?
Make sure you're feeling someone else

What did one testicle say to the other?
Why should we hang when slim did the shooting

Why did the nymphomaniac fail her road test?
The car stalled and from force of habit she jumped into the back seat

[stuckincity]

I remember way back when Reveen the hypnotist got in trouble and had to pay out big bucks.

During one performance, he had the whole audience hypnotized and had them doing whatever he said.
Then he saw a stage hand waving to him and holding up a telegram. He left the audience hypnotized and on his way backstage, he tripped over a power cable and yelled, "Aw shi...!!" and got hit with a big cleaning bill.

[bison]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.



He arrived at her house and rang the bell.



"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.



"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.



"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite



to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."



"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.



"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.



"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"



"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.



"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.



Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.



"The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.



"THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!

[BGSH]

It's a Tuesday evening and i'm bord where i am right now so was wondering if anyone here had some jokes to entertain with...

[Twisted Canuck]

An advertising executive is trying to land a major new account, so he takes his prospective client out for a round of golf and drinks while trying to sell him on their advertising expertise. After a playing a few holes, they are being held up by a party of two women. Intent on showing the client how 'take charge' he is, he tells him he is going to speak them to them and tell them to hurry up or let them play through. He zooms off in the cart, but just before he gets to them he pulls a sharp U turn and zooms back.

'Why didn't you talk to them?' demands the client.
"It was my wife, and the woman I'm having an affair with!' the exec sheepishly replies.

'Well I'll go talk to them then' the client says, hops in the cart and zooms off. Just before he gets to the ladies, he pulls a wicked two wheel U turn and zooms back. He skids to a stop in front of the exec, looks him in the eye, and says 'Small world, isn't it?'

[bison]

MEDICAL UPDATE Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need
A blood transfusion! This is good to know. MEDICAL ALERT Australian Medical Association researchers have found
That patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving
Chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.