Joke time

[Unregistered user]

> A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She
> picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.
>
> The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you
> cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat
> food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat
> food for your cat."
>
> The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back
> to the store.
>
They sold her the cat food.
>
> The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
>
> Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food
> without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to
> eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food
> for your dog."
>
>
> So she went home and brought in her dog

>
> She then was able to buy the dog food.
>
>
>
> The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
>

> The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the
> hole.
> The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
>
>
> The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that
> would harm her.
>
>
> So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
>
>
> She said to the little old lady, "That smells like poop."
>
> The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

[Unregistered user]

.




****************************

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."

******************************

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams :
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done"

******************************

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

******************************
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

*******************************
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

*******************************

I came home one night and proudly announced to me Dad that I had S E X for the first time.
He said "I hope you took precautions?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Did you wear a condom?"

“Nah, but I kept me balaclava on.”

******************************

"Jesus Loves You."

Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

****************************

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

*****************************

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said "Darling you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said,
"That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

[Lildog]

Dog limps into a saloon in the old west and go's up to the bar. Whole bar go's quiet and the Barman asks "What can I help you with"?

Dog looks at him and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."

[Unregistered user]

The Great Equalizer

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan".. All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
Could not be any simpler than that.

These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

[Davey Boy]

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.


The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'


'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'


This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'


'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'


'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'


'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'


'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'


'I used a different cock,' he replied.


The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!

[nekred]

An irishman walks into a bar....Baddadum!....

He sees the place is full except for a single chair at a table for two where another irishman is sittin down.....

he asks if he cans it down the other fellow says sure.....

They have a beer and one asks the other where he is from...
the guy says Dublin.... he says me tooo lets have a pint.... They have a pint.

He asks him what parish the getleman is from and he says St. Mary's the other says "St' Mary's.... well begorrah me to lets have a pint".... after the pint

he asks him what school he went too... he says St. Margaret's.... the other says begoirrah metoo... lets have another pint..... after the pint the one asks what year.... he says 1989.... the other says begorrah me too lets have another pint....

third man walks into the bar and asks the bartender whats up.... the bartender says the usual..... the McGillicuddy twins are getting hammered again....

[Redfrog]

Seniors stuff!


I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"

And that, my friend, is the definition of 'old'!

* * *

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied, "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

* * *

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, and fought diabetes.

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. I've lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

* * *

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

* * *

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

* * *

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

* * *

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

* * *

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

* * *

The Senility Prayer Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference

[colroggal]

A bear and a rabbit were crapping in the woods.
"Mr. Rabbit, " the bears says, "do you ever have problems with crap sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit thinks about it for a moment and shakes his head. "Nope. Can't say I do, Mr. Bear."

So the bear nods, finishes up, picks up the rabbit and wipes his backside with it.

[Unregistered user]

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard, Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says,
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

[bison]

Pants VS Panties....

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'


Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

[Unregistered user]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine
whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized
records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.

I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging
to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with
a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar
chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment.
I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab
onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing
out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw
a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and
was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says

"I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellow that arrived here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"

[Unregistered user]

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours
trying to figure out how to pick it up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are
only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell
and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

----------------------- ------------ --------------
An answer I can understand.
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always
fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"They have to go backwards.
If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

------------------------------------------------------------
And saving the best 'til last ...
Paddy rings his new
girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch
of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers,
and drags him in. She lies back on the couch,
pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers
off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'

[graymatter]

a blonde and brunette , best friends were out doing some window shopping and they walked past a flower shop.
both seemed to slow at the same time and glance inside as what lady does not love flowers .

as they pass the door which is open, the brunette stops and says
" oh no".."oh no ", whats wrong says the blonde, the brunette says thats my boy friend inside buying me roses for the 4th time this week !!

well that great says the blonde.

no , no, you dont understand says the brunette, they always come with conditions.
what do you mean says the blonde.
the brunette replies " I'll be on my back all night with my ankles behind my ears.
the blonde thinks for a few seconds and asks haven't you got any vases.

[Redfrog]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.... He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,.....

.....silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ...........

..... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[Red Bullets]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 Males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Red Bullets]

I spoke to my mother today and told her I think I am adopted.

She replied, "你是白如水稻"!

[Rafter1]

Did you hear about the canibal who passed his mother-in-law in the forest

[fn1949]

I had a fellow ask me how many people work where I do? I replied
" about half of them"

[Strix]

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of
these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance
company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost
'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure
them against fire, without defining what is considered to be
unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process,
the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the
lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer
was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was
sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's
Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN THE U. S. of A. - NO WONDER THE REST OF THE
WORLD THINKS THEY'RE NUTS.

[Unregistered user]

https://scontent-b-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/...85&oe=546BF7FA

[KBF]

Originally Posted by Unregistered user

https://scontent-b-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/...85&oe=546BF7FA

Ain't that the truth.

[avb3]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.

[Unregistered user]

A daughter asked her dad,
"Dad, there is something that my mechanic boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand --
He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick
to check the oil, I will give him such a servicing that --
his motor will cease functioning and his ball bearings will fall off!!"

[Unregistered user]

The lawyer says:
“I have some good news and bad news”

The CEO replies:
“I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says:
“Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are now worth a minimum of $2 million .....”

The CEO replies enthusiastically:
“Well done, very good news indeed ! You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers:
“These pictures are of you in bed with your secretary."

[bison]

At breakfast a husband asked his wife "What would you do if I won the lotto?"
"I'd take half and leave you." she replied
"Here's six dollars, I won twelve yesterday, Stay in touch!"

[stuckincity]

A man came home from work and found his wife sitting on the doorstep with her suitcase; she said she's waiting for a taxi.

He said, "And where are you going?"

The wife said, "I'm leaving you. I just found out I can get four hundred dollars a night for what I give you for free."

The man went into the house and shortly reappeared with his own suitcase.

The wife said, "So where do you think YOU'RE going?!?"

The man said, "I'm going to follow you. I want to see how well you live on eight hundred dollars a year."

[nekred]

I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-Canadian slogans, with a half- burned Canadian Flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me !" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

[stuckincity]

Originally Posted by nekred

I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-Canadian slogans, with a half- burned Canadian Flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me !" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

[Unregistered user]

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.



The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.



They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.



They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.



The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.



The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.



Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.



They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.


And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --



Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

[gerby]

Originally Posted by Unregistered user

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.



The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.



They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.



They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.



The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.



The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.



Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.



They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.


And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --



Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

hahaha that's a good one