Joke Thread

[forny812]

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
“Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

[Dr. Phil A]

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .
So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[avb3]

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,

"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head
and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your
Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24"WAIST and 36"HIPS.

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When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jesus Christ !".

[BeeGuy]

A taxidermist was driving through Arkanas when he though he would stop at a local bar and have a beer.The locals didn't like outsiders in their bar and when he entered he was greeted with dirty stares and low mumbles.

He went to the bartender and ask for a beer.The bartender looked the man over and than went to get his beer. When the bartender returned with his beer he asked the man "what do you do?"

The man replied "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender replied "Taxidermist? what is that."

The man replied "Well,I mount animals,birds,and fish."

With that said the bartender turned to the other men in the bar and said "It's ok boys he's one of us".

[BeeGuy]

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. After making love, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called." she says speaking in a cheery voice.

"Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific...

Great!...

Thanks...

Okay...

Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[BeeGuy]

The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to go over to her place for some "gymnastics". Afterwards, they both fall asleep

When the manager wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is after 8 o'clock in the evening.

He jumps up in a panic wondering what he's going to say to his wife. He tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub them around in the grass. Then he finishes dressing and goes home.

When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the evening?

The man calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon.

His wife looked at him very carefully and when she saw the state of his shoes, she exclaimed: "You liar, you've been FISHING!"

[Alberta Bigbore]

^
Haha

[Pincherguy]

BLONDE PHONE CALL!!
"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth, why did you do that?"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

[Matt L.]

How do you greet a German barber?

Good morning, Herr Dresser!

[FishingMOM]

What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an a$s to pay for it all.

[nekred]

Difference Chris Angel and Britney Spears...

one performes cunning stunts and the other is a stunned (see You Next Tuesday)

[FishingMOM]

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

[KegRiver]

Bear preaching......

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to
find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the
Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to
slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,
Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is
coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts, and an IV drip In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear
from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I
took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, U P
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle
as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not
have been the best way to start."

[rigger338]

Tim, A 5yr Roughneck..... decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon,
he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
...
Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing.... Maybe you should sell your guns, boat & airplane.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't

[MTB_FlyFisher]

Anyone want to go fishing tomorrow morning?

I'm planning on waking up early and hiding 3 slips of paper around the house for the girlfriend to find with the words 'will', 'you', and 'me' on them, so I figure I should have at least 4-5 hours of free time once she wakes up!

[Skybuster]

Why did the blonde have bruises all around her belly button?

Blonde Boyfriend.

[Unregistered user]

Ole the Minnesota Duck Hunter

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to...and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole "The bad news is dat dere vas some
pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic
surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't **** in your eye."

[great white whaler]

its so cold out side ,,,i busted a politician put is hands in is own pockets today

[Iskra]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly thereafter, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, a member of Newfoundland’s Dept. of Mines and Resources reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in Corner Brook, Newfoundland – Jack Lucknow Parsons , a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless."

[jungleboy]

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady.

"I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

" Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

" True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on
immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."