Joke Thread

[avb3]

Two guys were sitting in their boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer. One turns to the other and says, 'I'm thinking of divorcing my wife'. The other says... 'why in the world would you want to do that'?

The first fisherman replied... 'she hasn't talked to me in 2 months'.

The second fisherman thinks for a moment, then says...'I'd think about that if i were you'.

[pophouseman]

Originally Posted by avb3

Two guys were sitting in their boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer. One turns to the other and says, 'I'm thinking of divorcing my wife'. The other says... 'why in the world would you want to do that'?

The first fisherman replied... 'she hasn't talked to me in 2 months'.

The second fisherman thinks for a moment, then says...'I'd think about that if i were you'.

Worst joke ever


Now what's the deal with steel wool?

[avb3]

Me missus bought a paperback
Down town on Saturday,
I had a peep into her bag;

'Twas “Fifty Shades of Grey."

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

Her left hand held a length of rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down onto the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!



She struggled up upon her feet
A cuppla minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You would see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.

She stood there nude, just naked like,
Bent forward just a bit ….
I took a pace to brace meself
And stood on her left tit!

Old Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I won't tell no more
What happened on that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned “fifty shades of grey”.

[avb3]

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29..99
Clinton : cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewels
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either..

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[hal53]

AAHHH...little Monica, hard to believe that she turned 50 a fews months ago....it just seems like yesterday that she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees putting whatever she could find in her mouth....time flies.....

[Elk Chaser]

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Lil' Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b***h, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:
And you, Tanya?

" I wanna be Lil' Johnny's b***h!"

[rwm1273]

Originally Posted by hal53

AAHHH...little Monica, hard to believe that she turned 50 a fews months ago....it just seems like yesterday that she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees putting whatever she could find in her mouth....time flies.....

She was born in 1973. She is not even 40 yet.

[great white whaler]

Originally Posted by hal53

AAHHH...little Monica, hard to believe that she turned 50 a fews months ago....it just seems like yesterday that she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees putting whatever she could find in her mouth....time flies.....

What as 4 legs and smells like fish ?

[avb3]

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

[Matt L.]

Originally Posted by avb3

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

'groan'

[avb3]

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing and golfing Maybe you should sell your guns and boat and Golf clubs

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't!"

[forny812]

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
“Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

[Dr. Phil A]

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .
So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[avb3]

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,

"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head
and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your
Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24"WAIST and 36"HIPS.

|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|

When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jesus Christ !".

[BeeGuy]

A taxidermist was driving through Arkanas when he though he would stop at a local bar and have a beer.The locals didn't like outsiders in their bar and when he entered he was greeted with dirty stares and low mumbles.

He went to the bartender and ask for a beer.The bartender looked the man over and than went to get his beer. When the bartender returned with his beer he asked the man "what do you do?"

The man replied "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender replied "Taxidermist? what is that."

The man replied "Well,I mount animals,birds,and fish."

With that said the bartender turned to the other men in the bar and said "It's ok boys he's one of us".