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Old 01-17-2020, 03:28 AM
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TreeGuy TreeGuy is offline
 
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Default Dodging Bullets: A TreeGuy PSA

It’s been far too long since I’ve shared a TreeGuy misadventure. Anyone want to hear a tale?

I’ll prefix this with a caveat. For those un familiar with me, I’m a mischievous arse and beer tends to accentuate that weird proclivity. Don’t judge, there’s a lesson to be learned here via my interweb follies….

I’m in the oil patch these days. Water transfer stuff to be specific. Often, my 12-hour night shifts mean sitting in a truck alone watching a pump run. Often for days on end.

I get bored, and idle hands tend to do the devil’s work.

I’m very happily married, but one long night way back in the bush this fall, I decided to start a fake Tinder profile to see what all the fuss was about.

Oh boy! For my purposes, it did NOT disappoint. Especially when you use Brad Pitt as your profile pic.

Now I’m mostly evil (in a good way if that’s even possible) and will probably have an uncomfortable conversation with the Boss once I leave this world. However, we only live once and laughter is the best medicine as Reader’s Digest tells us. So, don’t judge.

Long story short, I’d match up with the biggest and ugliest girls I could find. Trans girls (SHOCKINGLY more than you’d expect) were given extra special attention.

Seems entirely counterproductive, no?

Not really. I’d spend hours getting them all hot and bothered to help pass the time. It was pretty easy because obviously, I’m Brad Pitt.
Ultimately, they’d ask for my cell number so they could send me ‘pictures’ of themselves and chat further. Oh my….

I’d of course give them the contact info for my day guys. They’d be getting random texts at 3am from drunken northern BC gals. It defined the true meaning of WTF…. Shift change handovers were hilarious!!!

In fairness though, I think one guy is engaged now. He still doesn’t know…

So, lets’ just say that by now we’ve established that I’m an idiot. I like to consider myself an evil genius, but let’s be real here…I’m not.

Fast forward to this past Sunday. NFL playoffs baby! I started drinking beers at noon. Good times.

Day becomes night. Mrs. Tree eventually goes to bed as she has to work in the morning. I’m on days off.

I check my BookFace in the now quiet house. There’s a friend request from some random chick as can occasionally happen. I accept... Figure I’ll check out her pics then delete. Total creep move I’m well aware of, but we all do it. At least those of us fortunate (?) enough to receive such requests.

I don’ t even get a chance to begin stalking before she sends me a message and wants to chat.

Ok why not I think. What could possibly go wrong? Time for another beer.
What could…possibly…go…….wrong??????

Ohhhhhh boy!

Keeping this tale NSFW and AO friendly will now become difficult. Very…difficult.

She seems nice at first. We have a pleasant and casual conversation for a bit. Then she sends me a picture of her very scantily clad self.

OMFG!

I wish I could share it. You’ll have to engage your imaginations instead, but trust me, it was good. Very, very, vewwwery good.

Which is bad….

I have another beer.

This is also bad…

Turns out this nice girl is actually a naughty girl. A very, VERY naughty girl. Unlike any I’ve ever experienced before. Time for another beer.

We go back and forth in this stupid, harmless conversation for an hour. The alcohol is starting to work it’s magic now. Good judgement has long since left the scene.

She sends more pics. Brad Pitt does too. She definitely approves. His pecker is impressive. VERY impressive.

This is bad, bad, bad...yet kinda fun.

She ultimately sends me a link and asks me to sign up on some seedy site to view her webcam. It requires a credit card. I have one but it’s a JOINT credit card. Hard no. So, I politely decline her invitation and wish her a good night.

Wrong answer.

This is where things begin to come off the rails. Spectacularly.

She loses her feces. Posts screenshots of my wife’s FB page, my Dad’s and my sister in law’s. Gives me 5 minutes to sign up or she’ll share our full conversation with them. F!

My mid 40’s gastrointestinal tract immediately produced an impressive shart.

I tell her to calm her tots da f down because that always works well with upset women. Right? Right????

Nope.

As usual, this tactic fails me. Perhaps one day it’ll work? Unfortunately, though it means I’ll have to keep upsetting women to perfect it. Hmm. Scientific discoveries involve sacrifice I suppose
.
I immediately report our conversation to FB, but I’ll need to buy some time until they can resolve my dilemma. I can’t delete her from my page though, I’d lose any ability to steer the conversation.

So, I open her link and use a prepaid visa received over Christmas. Obviously, it gets rejected. I take a screenshot and send it to her. I tell her that Christmas was expensive, her site won’t let me in and I’ll have to talk with my bank in the morning.

She’s meaner than a grizzly with a bum paw now. She demands I give her $2500 by 10 am. She pulls up more of my family from FB. Now I’m mad.

F…..ix Auto.

I’ve at least bought myself some time for the FB authorities to do they’re thing. I go outside for a smoke. Gotta calm down and think.

I have three by the time the good ol TreeGuy lightbulb begins to glimmer. Having the survival instinct of a cockroach is pure gold sometimes.

I return inside with a plan. I check her FB. Surprisingly, over 700 friends. Perfect. Time to fight fire with fire no? Where’s Mamma?

Curiously, I notice that nearly all her friends are from overseas. And her English is weak…This is very important.

This is also when God himself reached down from the heavens himself and gifted this half-drunk (mostly drunk) fool with an idea of pure genius. Time for another beer. What could possibly go wrong?

I messaged her back. Time to go all in and roll the dice. I told her to get f’d and I could care less who she sent our conversation to. In fact, I DARED her to do it. Then held my breath.

This is NOT the response she had anticipated. Not at all.

This is when the epiphany happens….

I ask her if she’d like to know what I do for a living. She doesn’t care at first. The price is $5000 now. By noon. She’s meaner than a pitbull s’n tacks now. I persist.

She eventually asks.

I tell her I’m a detective with the Calgary Police Services and would not only be opening an extortion investigation in the morning, but inquiring into her citizenship status.

I’ve never, and I mean NEVER in my life seen an attitude adjust so dramatically LOL!

I kept her on the hook until FB banned her. Mrs. Tree was pizzed when my drunken arse stumbled into bed at 05:15, but I’ll take it as opposed to the alternative!

I’d like to say I’ve learned my lesson, but living life on the edge is kinda exciting! Lol! Please learn from this fool’s follies. There’s a slight chance I was a coal mining canary in a past life…..

As always, stay tuned.

Tree
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  #2  
Old 01-17-2020, 05:09 AM
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Nothing like a good story while drinking my morning java.

Dodger.
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  #3  
Old 01-17-2020, 05:42 AM
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You definitely need to keep that mind occupied, funny as hell though.
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  #4  
Old 01-17-2020, 06:02 AM
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58thecat 58thecat is online now
 
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Tree guy...lay off the booze buddy....gonna end up divorced and paying for it the rest of your life!

Could be made into a movie though....after all you are Brad Pitt
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  #5  
Old 01-17-2020, 07:53 AM
Bigbuckwsm Bigbuckwsm is offline
 
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Pure gold !!
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  #6  
Old 01-17-2020, 08:11 AM
artie artie is offline
 
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It is a good warning for the rest of us do not play with fire.
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  #7  
Old 01-17-2020, 08:14 AM
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bessiedog bessiedog is offline
 
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Buddy!!

Take up

-solitaire

- fly tying

- your a good writer! Start submitting some of your stuff! I’ll guarantee you you’d get published from time to time.

- stay away from dat phone man!



Geeze!!!!
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  #8  
Old 01-17-2020, 08:21 AM
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waldedw waldedw is offline
 
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Easy big boy............ you could end up on the Dr. Phil show or the Jerry Springer show............ not really sure which one is the worst
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  #9  
Old 01-17-2020, 08:35 AM
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CaberTosser CaberTosser is offline
 
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Your Mrs would know that a pic of impressive wedding tackle definitely wasn't yours and that you were kidding. Problem solved!
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  #10  
Old 01-17-2020, 08:38 AM
Wrongside Wrongside is online now
 
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Tree,

Don't ever die or leave this place. Ever. 😂
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  #11  
Old 01-17-2020, 08:44 AM
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Flatlandliver Flatlandliver is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TreeGuy View Post
It’s been far too long since I’ve shared a TreeGuy misadventure. Anyone want to hear a tale?

I’ll prefix this with a caveat. For those un familiar with me, I’m a mischievous arse and beer tends to accentuate that weird proclivity. Don’t judge, there’s a lesson to be learned here via my interweb follies….

I’m in the oil patch these days. Water transfer stuff to be specific. Often, my 12-hour night shifts mean sitting in a truck alone watching a pump run. Often for days on end.

I get bored, and idle hands tend to do the devil’s work.

I’m very happily married, but one long night way back in the bush this fall, I decided to start a fake Tinder profile to see what all the fuss was about.

Oh boy! For my purposes, it did NOT disappoint. Especially when you use Brad Pitt as your profile pic.

Now I’m mostly evil (in a good way if that’s even possible) and will probably have an uncomfortable conversation with the Boss once I leave this world. However, we only live once and laughter is the best medicine as Reader’s Digest tells us. So, don’t judge.

Long story short, I’d match up with the biggest and ugliest girls I could find. Trans girls (SHOCKINGLY more than you’d expect) were given extra special attention.

Seems entirely counterproductive, no?

Not really. I’d spend hours getting them all hot and bothered to help pass the time. It was pretty easy because obviously, I’m Brad Pitt.
Ultimately, they’d ask for my cell number so they could send me ‘pictures’ of themselves and chat further. Oh my….

I’d of course give them the contact info for my day guys. They’d be getting random texts at 3am from drunken northern BC gals. It defined the true meaning of WTF…. Shift change handovers were hilarious!!!

In fairness though, I think one guy is engaged now. He still doesn’t know…

So, lets’ just say that by now we’ve established that I’m an idiot. I like to consider myself an evil genius, but let’s be real here…I’m not.

Fast forward to this past Sunday. NFL playoffs baby! I started drinking beers at noon. Good times.

Day becomes night. Mrs. Tree eventually goes to bed as she has to work in the morning. I’m on days off.

I check my BookFace in the now quiet house. There’s a friend request from some random chick as can occasionally happen. I accept... Figure I’ll check out her pics then delete. Total creep move I’m well aware of, but we all do it. At least those of us fortunate (?) enough to receive such requests.

I don’ t even get a chance to begin stalking before she sends me a message and wants to chat.

Ok why not I think. What could possibly go wrong? Time for another beer.
What could…possibly…go…….wrong??????

Ohhhhhh boy!

Keeping this tale NSFW and AO friendly will now become difficult. Very…difficult.

She seems nice at first. We have a pleasant and casual conversation for a bit. Then she sends me a picture of her very scantily clad self.

OMFG!

I wish I could share it. You’ll have to engage your imaginations instead, but trust me, it was good. Very, very, vewwwery good.

Which is bad….

I have another beer.

This is also bad…

Turns out this nice girl is actually a naughty girl. A very, VERY naughty girl. Unlike any I’ve ever experienced before. Time for another beer.

We go back and forth in this stupid, harmless conversation for an hour. The alcohol is starting to work it’s magic now. Good judgement has long since left the scene.

She sends more pics. Brad Pitt does too. She definitely approves. His pecker is impressive. VERY impressive.

This is bad, bad, bad...yet kinda fun.

She ultimately sends me a link and asks me to sign up on some seedy site to view her webcam. It requires a credit card. I have one but it’s a JOINT credit card. Hard no. So, I politely decline her invitation and wish her a good night.

Wrong answer.

This is where things begin to come off the rails. Spectacularly.

She loses her feces. Posts screenshots of my wife’s FB page, my Dad’s and my sister in law’s. Gives me 5 minutes to sign up or she’ll share our full conversation with them. F!

My mid 40’s gastrointestinal tract immediately produced an impressive shart.

I tell her to calm her tots da f down because that always works well with upset women. Right? Right????

Nope.

As usual, this tactic fails me. Perhaps one day it’ll work? Unfortunately, though it means I’ll have to keep upsetting women to perfect it. Hmm. Scientific discoveries involve sacrifice I suppose
.
I immediately report our conversation to FB, but I’ll need to buy some time until they can resolve my dilemma. I can’t delete her from my page though, I’d lose any ability to steer the conversation.

So, I open her link and use a prepaid visa received over Christmas. Obviously, it gets rejected. I take a screenshot and send it to her. I tell her that Christmas was expensive, her site won’t let me in and I’ll have to talk with my bank in the morning.

She’s meaner than a grizzly with a bum paw now. She demands I give her $2500 by 10 am. She pulls up more of my family from FB. Now I’m mad.

F…..ix Auto.

I’ve at least bought myself some time for the FB authorities to do they’re thing. I go outside for a smoke. Gotta calm down and think.

I have three by the time the good ol TreeGuy lightbulb begins to glimmer. Having the survival instinct of a cockroach is pure gold sometimes.

I return inside with a plan. I check her FB. Surprisingly, over 700 friends. Perfect. Time to fight fire with fire no? Where’s Mamma?

Curiously, I notice that nearly all her friends are from overseas. And her English is weak…This is very important.

This is also when God himself reached down from the heavens himself and gifted this half-drunk (mostly drunk) fool with an idea of pure genius. Time for another beer. What could possibly go wrong?

I messaged her back. Time to go all in and roll the dice. I told her to get f’d and I could care less who she sent our conversation to. In fact, I DARED her to do it. Then held my breath.

This is NOT the response she had anticipated. Not at all.

This is when the epiphany happens….

I ask her if she’d like to know what I do for a living. She doesn’t care at first. The price is $5000 now. By noon. She’s meaner than a pitbull s’n tacks now. I persist.

She eventually asks.

I tell her I’m a detective with the Calgary Police Services and would not only be opening an extortion investigation in the morning, but inquiring into her citizenship status.

I’ve never, and I mean NEVER in my life seen an attitude adjust so dramatically LOL!

I kept her on the hook until FB banned her. Mrs. Tree was pizzed when my drunken arse stumbled into bed at 05:15, but I’ll take it as opposed to the alternative!

I’d like to say I’ve learned my lesson, but living life on the edge is kinda exciting! Lol! Please learn from this fool’s follies. There’s a slight chance I was a coal mining canary in a past life…..

As always, stay tuned.

Tree
Two words.....Candy Crush
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  #12  
Old 01-17-2020, 08:50 AM
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Stinky Buffalo Stinky Buffalo is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wrongside View Post
Tree,

Don't ever die or leave this place. Ever. 😂
I second that!

I always enjoy a good Tree story. You should cut a deal with Rob, AO could use a good humor column! I was ready to launch my "Adventures with Dave" series, but I put that out of my mind... No one would believe that these things had actually happened.
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  #13  
Old 01-17-2020, 09:04 AM
Wrongside Wrongside is online now
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stinky Buffalo View Post
I second that!

I always enjoy a good Tree story. You should cut a deal with Rob, AO could use a good humor column!
Stellar idea! AOs own version of Patrick McManus...
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  #14  
Old 01-17-2020, 09:16 AM
bobtodrick bobtodrick is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bessiedog View Post
Buddy!!

Take up

-solitaire

- fly tying

- your a good writer! Start submitting some of your stuff! I’ll guarantee you you’d get published from time to time.

- stay away from dat phone man!



Geeze!!!!
I'll second the writing. You definitely have a gift for story telling.
In all seriousness you have saleable skills.
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  #15  
Old 01-17-2020, 09:22 AM
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urban rednek urban rednek is offline
 
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Wink Congratulations!

On passing the exam. Oh, and you might want to start wearing a medic alert bracelet.
That's all.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg oilfield water hauler.jpg (21.9 KB, 96 views)
File Type: jpg medic alert.jpg (19.0 KB, 99 views)
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UADOESNTHUNT seems more appropriate.

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  #16  
Old 01-17-2020, 09:29 AM
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Passthru Passthru is offline
 
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Thanks for the chuckle. 😀
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  #17  
Old 01-17-2020, 09:30 AM
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Grizzly Adams Grizzly Adams is offline
 
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Being widowed and bored, but not really looking for a relationship, I thought I'd do a little browsing, under a false profile of course, Surprising how many women I know came up and they're crazier than loons. Good sense of humor and looking to travel seem to be the common thread, on somebody else's dime of course. Then there was the Transvestite, he, she, whatever, was having her Vaginoplasty imminently and looking to try it out for function.

Grizz
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  #18  
Old 01-17-2020, 09:37 AM
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CNP CNP is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wrongside View Post
Stellar idea! AOs own version of Patrick McManus...
No. Tinders version of Patrick McManus. In fact, the name Patrick McManus shouldn't be even whispered in the context of this whacked out post.
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  #19  
Old 01-17-2020, 09:37 AM
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Ken07AOVette Ken07AOVette is offline
 
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Too good.

It was funnier over the phone though, I could amost hear the whizzle hitting the floor as you were going into hysterics.

Another one to add to the book when you and Huntnstuff collaborate.
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I wasn't thinking far enough ahead for an outcome, I was ranting. By definition, a rant doesn't imply much forethought.....
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  #20  
Old 01-17-2020, 09:41 AM
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CNP CNP is offline
 
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Default PSA for Treeguy

Harmless? Wise up big guy cause I predict that this isn't going to end well for you and your family. Just a story to amuse the masses...…...I didn't find it amusing...
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Last edited by CNP; 01-17-2020 at 09:58 AM.
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  #21  
Old 01-17-2020, 10:01 AM
Grumpy Old Man Grumpy Old Man is online now
 
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That is just Good funny S***. I don't care who you are.
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  #22  
Old 01-17-2020, 10:14 AM
glen moa glen moa is offline
 
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Can I get her number please.
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  #23  
Old 01-17-2020, 10:22 AM
StiksnStrings StiksnStrings is offline
 
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Hilarious! Thanks for the morning chuckle.
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  #24  
Old 01-17-2020, 10:25 AM
WhiteTailAB WhiteTailAB is offline
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Lol this thread delivers
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  #25  
Old 01-17-2020, 10:31 AM
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buckbrush buckbrush is offline
 
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TreeGuy. As always, your story did not disappoint.
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  #26  
Old 01-17-2020, 11:01 AM
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Reeves1 Reeves1 is online now
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by urban rednek View Post
On passing the exam. Oh, and you might want to start wearing a medic alert bracelet.
That's all.




Yer priceless Tree !
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  #27  
Old 01-17-2020, 11:11 AM
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Albertadiver Albertadiver is offline
 
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Moral of the story?

Switch from Beer to Whiskey. Knocks you out much earlier in the evening. A passed out Tree can do no harm!

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  #28  
Old 01-17-2020, 12:05 PM
JD848 JD848 is offline
 
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She may have had more then one FB account under different names and one day you maybe meeting up with a 280 pound tranny and now your the mamma on your days off once she finds out your the water truck driver and it could be someone on this site, you never know who lurks on the dark side of the web.

We may just read one day, water truck driver badly abused in many ways. Timber as the TREE comes down.

Good story though, had a good laugh.

All in good humor

JD.

Last edited by JD848; 01-17-2020 at 12:11 PM.
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  #29  
Old 01-17-2020, 01:12 PM
midgetwaiter midgetwaiter is offline
 
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Ah yes. Two guys worlds away sending each other pictures of other people over the internet. Truly a classic endeavour. It’s a common scam, the person you were talking to was not the one in the pics you got.
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  #30  
Old 01-17-2020, 04:22 PM
Jim Blake Jim Blake is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CNP View Post
Harmless? Wise up big guy cause I predict that this isn't going to end well for you and your family. Just a story to amuse the masses...…...I didn't find it amusing...
THIS!! JMO, but it sure seems you don't have much respect or value for your Marriage or Family!! Very sad.

In my opinion it is such a disgusting, bizzare thread it should be removed.

Jim
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